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ChauParticipant
Hello Heclat
Thank you. Agree relationship is about two people and we both contribute to what it is today. I cannot think for her part as this is her growth journey, I can only think of my part as a person, on how to grow and how I can improve, so that I am better able to love someone in the future.
Thanks for sharing your story, it takes courage and determination to continue with a relationship which involves hurt indeed. I will work on myself and hopefully she does, we can see if we will both on the same page when we meet a few weeks later.
Have a great evening on your side.
Clara
ChauParticipantDear Anita
Indeed this is morning time for me on my end.
Things often bubble up at night, I will definitely share again, how things unfold in the coming weeks
Have a restful night Anita
Clara
ChauParticipantDear Anita
Thank you, I will take some time to sink in this.
Need to practice how to maintain a strong state of mindClara
ChauParticipantDear Anita
When you say trust in (you), what specifically are you talking about?
trust in myself on what?
Clara
ChauParticipantHi Anita
I think i need to meditate and establish the awareness and skills of catching myself. May be I should add meditate to my homework list.
Yes indeed I am suspicious of her. I have been sensitive and I think that stressed her out as well.
Two days ago i ran into her, We exchanged an awkward hi and I saw her faced turned weird, i think upset and anxious and didn’t know how to face me? But from that facial expression I knew very clearly she was suffering. Weirdly that night I felt better, knowing that she is just suffering and may really need some time to think over things.
But I guess the overthinking came back again, and it is scary
It is difficult to rise over my own feeling and have the space to empathize her. It’s just day 5(?) and a lot are still going on in my mind all the time.
But may be that’s the way out for us, or may be that’s the only way out for me also, operate out of love and empathy for another person.
Clara
ChauParticipantHi Anita
I have already booked an appointment with psychotherapist next week. I think your insight may be able to facilitate the process and I will bring this up in the session as well.
The issue is how to catch myself when I want to overreach and blame her.
If she is coming back to me after a month agreeing that we can restart or resume our relationship, then I will try to change things a bit. But I am also feeling insecure that she will only want to break up with me, which is entirely possible. Although we did say this is a ‘break’ hoping for a restart, not a ‘break up’. Probably this is the first lesson of what needs to be changed, to not overthink of what we have talked about, unless otherwise proven or spoken. And be a bit more confident with the person that I have been with for 5 years.
I have assigned some homework for myself this month, to go therapies, and I may go to a yoga retreat and do some detoxing. I hope I can come back to her with a fresh mental and physical state. Or come back to her and any potential future partners, and to myself.
Chau
ChauParticipantHi Anita
this is an aha moment for me when i read your reply. Fist thank you for taking time to review so many of our past messages, to find a pattern that I didnt realize or put a name to it. Once u said it, it all made sense that I probably did something to wear out the relationship, may be over react when she goes out, may be other so called insecurit. Situations with her previous partners excaerated things for the first year of our relationship indeed. but once i get to know her better I feel more secure and the situations fades, that was when we had those few years of happy relationship, we moved in together etc
I never initiated a break during those time. But i think what I have been doing and thinking and feeling, eg blaming her for not coming home early and reacting, or may be overreacting sometime, stressed her our and wear out the relationship
this time, when i first knew she didnt have much feeling for me, my initial reaction was shock and upset, subsequently i said it might be good to have some space between us to see if she has feelings or are they only clouded by daily chores, she thought it was a bit too extreme and we didnt do it. after a month of trying, i got insecure becoz she mentioned her not feeling much, and she had to be on tip toe all the time
we found continual interacting not helping, when i raised the problem again, she said may be we could try taking a break
I let myself cry this morning, knowing that I have a part in it(everything that happens in a relationship has i though) and own that part feels heavy and difficult, i guess that is what the tears are about
thanks again for digging them out. for paying so much effort in this
Clara
ChauParticipantHello Helcat,
Let me get back to your questions.
We kind of went through a lot of discussions before we reached to this temporary break. We agreed to review this a month later.
I think somehow, i proposed this initially but we decided it it too much, we tried for around a month but eventually we feel we had a bit too much negativity, and we decided to take a break. I asked about the time frame, and whether we completely not contacted, and she said a month and may be not contacting is best, as we had some expectation mismatch(i expected her this, and she expected me that) while we were trying
i don’t think culturally it is that bad, I live in Hong Kong, so it is not THAT bad in here being gay. Just that being a chinese, there are still taboo etc which makes it harder for gay couples.
I keep telling me that she will honour our agreement, while deep down I have a lot of insecurity bubbling.
I can expect this will be a difficult month
Best wishes
Chau
ChauParticipanthi Helcat
thanks for replying but I think I didnt present it too well. We have been in a serious relationship for 5.5 years, we live together and shared some very percious moments together, about a month or two ago i raised the million dollar question” do you still like me” to which she responded with silent, that is the beginning of this almost two months long discussion of where we should go, how and if we should salvage our relationship etc
we decided to take a one month break and review it afterwards, we agreed to not contacting during this month also
on my way to dinner, just want to clarify this first. will get back to you on the rest of your questions later, thanks so much for your care and kind words!
Clara
ChauParticipantHi Anita,
No rush. I saw you posted a message in my last thread and sorry for missing that out!
Yes i was having some problem back in 2016 as well. It’s great to read what I did and how I have grown since then. I was re-reading my posts about my current partner, it does seem things go back in circle and looks like something didn’t really change.
Anyways, thanks for your good advice as always.
Have a good restful night
ChauParticipantHello Anita
The last post i had was October 18, 2018 at 5:43 am#231665 . See if that helps?
yes, i checked and it was almost 6 years ago, this is the person whom i eventually date, for 5.5 years now
There are some psychotherapist around, just that I am unsure which one to go to, but i will bear emotion regulation skills in mind when I look for one
Chau
ChauParticipantDear Roberta
I do find myself feeding those negatives. I think my lesson for this month is to deal with my insecurity, which has been affecting me for a while. I am sensitive and sometime overthink, and I believe this may cause stress to my partner also.
I am thinking to go therapy to clear my minds and see what insights I can get.
Thanks for the books recommended, will look into it
Chau
ChauParticipantHello Helcat,
Thanks for replying. It’s complicated and I am in constant battle between asking myself to stay positive and letting myself grief and cry. Now I think on top of those disappointment and feeling of rejection, I am also trying to grief about the lost of the relationship that I am used to, the one that I wished for in this particular relationship. I think i might to adjust to a new mode of relationship, if we were to get back together.
Thanks for your wishes and love, I can feel this all around in tiny buddha community 🙂
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