First, I’d make sure you are in a good place to really listen to her. Something I did for a long time was to listen to people, but then I would take on the problems as my own. Be there for her, without judgement and understand that you cannot fix another person. Only they can take that step. The more you can reflect her words into something that she can relate to and understand, the more likely she will start to feel better and the more you will understand one another. First and foremost, make sure you are taking care of you. All the best, my friend. 🙂

I know what that feeling is like. I’ve struggled with anxiety of many years. Something that helped me over the years to separate my identity from the anxiety. For instance, instead of saying I’m anxious, acknowledge you are having anxious thoughts. Our gut level reaction is something we can’t always control. How we react to them is something we can. Try it out. It’s helped me separate my own pervasive thoughts as thoughts, rather than as my identity. It also allows you be more objective and not create even more stories that often fuel that anxiety. Take care and know you aren’t the only one out there with those thoughts! All the best 🙂

Hi Fred,
I had a conversation with someone this morning about anger. We were talking about why people get angry. Why do I get angry? First, let’s acknowledge that it is a human emotion to feel angry. Don’t deny yourself that! I think the real question (and I think you allude to this) is what we are actually angry about.

The other day I got angry with my cats. They knocked over something and it broke. I yelled at them and felt angry. After a short outburst, I asked myself, why did I let myself be angry about something so silly as something being knocked over? Is that what I’m really angry about? I began to realize that it didn’t have anything really to do with the cats. Cats are cats and they behave like cats. Sometimes they knock stuff over. What I was angry about, was my expectation as to how my cats should act. After all, they should know better, I told them to stay off the table before! We have to let go of control.

I suggest you start seeing your girlfriend this way (not as a cat) but accept her for who she is. I know I did this with my wife. After all, it’s not really about what she is doing, it’s your reaction to what she’s doing. Only when we accept things just as they are, can we then come from a place of love, rather than anger.

Best of luck my friend,
Shawn

Hi Mariposita,

I used to feel this way a lot. In fact, it got so bad I actually got out of my car and started yelling at a complete stranger for being so rude. It took a while, but now I look at it as something very revealing. I was under a lot of stress and pressure at the time, and it really was the straw that broke the camel’s back. Perhaps there is another reason why you are reacting so strongly.

Sometimes I still mildly react when people that cut me off or make a rude comment. Mostly, it just doesn’t bother me much anymore. There are many ways to work on this. One suggestion I have is to label it something else. Is it really an injustice? When I think of the true definition of injustice, I don’t think of a stranger being extremely rude. Next, simply ask yourself, are they really treating you poorly or are you reacting poorly? You’ll never see him/her again and this is a small moment in time. A stranger really should have no power on how you feel about yourself. As @justfabulous said, it’s not about you.

All the best,
Shawn

Hi Matt,
I thought I’d share something that may help you because it’s helped me. For so long, I held in so much pain and resentment towards others who had wronged me. Their actions had complete control over my emotions. A first step that I suggest is to actually experience those feelings you have- actual emotions (i.e. sadness,anger) rather than intellectual interpretations of emotions (i.e. jealousy, self-doubt, self-worth). Sometimes we come up with stories in an attempt to justify or explain how we are feeling. Another suggestion I have to to acknowledge them as someone who made a mistake and acted from what they knew at the time. Simply that. No more, no less. It’s helped me to remove my own biases towards that other person and acknowledge them as a human being. You will get authentic power from that. I know it hurts and you have the right to hurt. But, the more you can actually experience the pain, the easier it will be to move on and feel better about yourself. That’s just a start. All the best, my friend.