How can I help my girlfriend feel better?

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This topic has 8 replies, 7 voices, and was last updated 9 years, 11 months ago by Tracey.

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October 7, 2014 at 10:56 am #66088

B.B.
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Hi all.
My girlfriend is feeling pretty down lately. We even broke up for a while a couple of months ago, because she thought that our relationship was making her feel miserable (6 years together). We got back together and were happy and well for a couple of weeks, but then that surfaced again, manifesting in her finding interest in another guy. No cheating, but she realised what’s happening and that only made her feel more miserable and she put a lot of blame on herself (even though I didn’t). We’ll see how this will play out, but she’s still my best friend and the person whom I love the most and I really want to help her through that, regardless of whether she decides to be with me or not in the end.

She has told me that she constantly feels demotivated, she doesn’t want to do anything for herself or simply do any activities. She also told me that she doesn’t like or love herself and realising all that I mentioned is a vicious circle that makes her feel even worse. The worst part is that she feels desperate, helpless and she victimises herself, which also doesn’t help getting out of said vicious cycle.
Now, in theory I know what to say, I’ve read a lot on this site and other places, I know what I would tell myself, but I realise how difficult it would be to break out of those feelings of hopelessness and helplessness even internally. If it’s coming from someone else (in this case me) it would be even harder. She’s not the most self-aware person anyway, so it’s a tough fight for her and I just want to help.

Any suggestions? 🙂
Thanks in advance.

October 7, 2014 at 12:22 pm #66092

Matt
Participant

B.B.

A few things came to heart as I read your words. The first is that you can’t help someone that isn’t prepared to be helped. Their hand has to be reaching out already, they have to be sick and bored of their swamp. Convincing her to reach out won’t help her long term, it has to blossom from within her.

When/if she does reach out, don’t do the work for her. Don’t go shopping for her, don’t do the research for her, don’t give solutions to her. Instead, offer to explore with her. Shopping together, perhaps. Not telling her “try going for a walk someday” or “you should do yoga”, and instead “let’s get outta here, go see a forest”. Etc. A cheerleader, not a savior. Willing/enthusiastic/gracious to walk alongside her, but not take steps for her. She perhaps needs those leg muscles to stretch and strengthen.

With warmth,
Matt

October 8, 2014 at 3:05 am #66112

Phil
Participant

B.B.

Can’t help but recognise a few of those symptoms in myself recently. My depression and lack of enthusiasm for anything had come from a long period of stress building up within my body over time, this affected my thinking which in turn was starting to affect my relationship. It is not easy to recognise this in yourself and sometimes very difficult for others to see what the issue is too. By chance my wedding anniversary had come up and my wife booked us into a Spa for the weekend. Was the best thing. Time away from the usual surroundings in the middle of no where, nothing to do but have massages, swim, sit in the sauna and steam room and spend a lot of quality time with my wife. It completely relaxed me and gave me focus, perspective and energy again, which I did not expect. Not saying this is your solution, but something to think on.

🙂

October 8, 2014 at 3:33 pm #66137

B.B.
Participant

Thank you for the replies guys.

We decided once again that our relationship is going nowhere (at least for her) and I can’t be happy in the relationship if she isn’t.
If she needs a friendly shoulder I can be there, but after all of this we’ll probably need to stay away from each other for some time. Not because there are any feelings of resentment or the like, it’s just going to be better for us emotionally.

October 9, 2014 at 12:17 pm #66160

Todzilla
Participant

The best help you can give her starts with you acknowledging to yourself that you’re not responsible for her happiness.

October 17, 2014 at 12:59 pm #66391

Shawn McKibben
Participant

First, I’d make sure you are in a good place to really listen to her. Something I did for a long time was to listen to people, but then I would take on the problems as my own. Be there for her, without judgement and understand that you cannot fix another person. Only they can take that step. The more you can reflect her words into something that she can relate to and understand, the more likely she will start to feel better and the more you will understand one another. First and foremost, make sure you are taking care of you. All the best, my friend. 🙂

October 17, 2014 at 1:25 pm #66393

Sann
Participant

Sorry to hear it didn’t work again. It’s a brave decision to look for your own happiness.
I hoppy that you both become happy, and that she finds the will to be happy, because that is quite essential.
I have been in the same state for so long. I wanted to do everything, only become happy or loving myself, no i couldn’t imagine that. That slowly seems to be turning around, which i’m very grateful for, but still, it might me a long way to go. My partner also tried to support me and to help me incredibely much, and now i start to see, that it must have been very frustrating and hopeless for him, that he never could reach me. I think it might have worked contrary, that the more he tried to help me, the more i would resist it. Because, as said before, the wish really has to be within yourself, to change and to be happy.

Out of my own experience, i would like to ask you to be really mindful about yourself, and your own needs. Don’t forget your own boundaries and be clear about them. You seem to be so willing and wanting to help her, please don’t make the mistake of forgetting yourself through that. Because that won’t make none of you happy. And by caring about yourself, you might be giving her the example (even if she is not aware of it at the moment, she might pick it up anyway)

October 21, 2014 at 2:28 am #66547

Tracey
Participant

Hi just noticed this post and wanted to stop by to say that you are a very thoughtful person. Not many guys would go looking for insight online to be able to help there partner or ex partner, so give yourself a massive pat on the back for that!!
If she hasnt already went to her Doctor that would be the first port of call. She sounds depressed 🙁 I would definately make that the first bit of advice to give her. Then her Gp could advise and help.
You have been through a lot with the sounds of things, be good to yourself also. Its easy to forget about yourself, but it is something that you need to remember. Chin up you are a good person 🙂

Take care and remember look after yourself 🙂

January 5, 2015 at 10:44 am #66395

B.B.
Participant

Thank you for the support.
As you said, the first thing one should do is taking care of himself, and that’s what I’m going to be concentrating on.

However, I’m currently trying to deal with my response to the situation and since it’s not really relationship-oriented (apart from being a consequence) I decided to create a new thread over here.
I’d appreciate any wisdom that all of you might have for me.
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