Can't stop dwelling on ex and on failed marriage

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    Haha, how “weak” you’ve been. That’s funny! You’ve not been that, at all. You’ve just been using your strength in the fantasies, self floggings, and so forth. Its clear that your strength runs deep, goofy. Weak. Hahaha. Squinting in front of the mirror, perhaps?

    With warmth,

    PS: Nice name!


    Dear Matt,

    I found your post while googling the phrase “I can’t forgive myself for my failed marriage”. Your story struck a chord, and I wanted to tell you of my experience, which might change the way you think about your ex. I got married to a lovely man when I was 23. By the time I hit 25, I was bored with him and I started an affair with a colleague. Thus started the most awful turbulent period of my life, as I descended into chaos. I drank heavily, started smoking, put on weight. Looking back, I think that I was actually suffering a mental breakdown, but no-one could help me, as I wouldn’t let them. My husband was heart-broken. He waited for me for a while, until he met a woman who helped him, and he eventually told me that he would wait no more. I didn’t want him, but I didn’t want anyone else to have him. By the time I realised what I had lost, it was too late. This all happened many years ago (I’m now 55) but I have never forgiven myself for my appalling behaviour in my 20’s. When I think back to that time, it is almost as though I was someone else. I tore up my life and severed family ties as a result – not just with my husband. My Dad died a few years later, and I honestly think his death was significantly due to the effect my behaviour had on him. A few years later, I meet another great man, and we have been together for 25 years. However, I still have dark periods when I play my actions over and over in my mind. It may be that your ex does think about her actions with regret. In time, she may gain the courage to tell you this to your face. I only wish I could have apologised when I had the chance.

    All the very best to you.

    Shawn McKibben

    Hi Matt,
    I thought I’d share something that may help you because it’s helped me. For so long, I held in so much pain and resentment towards others who had wronged me. Their actions had complete control over my emotions. A first step that I suggest is to actually experience those feelings you have- actual emotions (i.e. sadness,anger) rather than intellectual interpretations of emotions (i.e. jealousy, self-doubt, self-worth). Sometimes we come up with stories in an attempt to justify or explain how we are feeling. Another suggestion I have to to acknowledge them as someone who made a mistake and acted from what they knew at the time. Simply that. No more, no less. It’s helped me to remove my own biases towards that other person and acknowledge them as a human being. You will get authentic power from that. I know it hurts and you have the right to hurt. But, the more you can actually experience the pain, the easier it will be to move on and feel better about yourself. That’s just a start. All the best, my friend.


    Wow powerful. Thank you for sharing.


    To Shawn and jenuwren21:

    Thank you so much for sharing your stories and advice.

    And to all who’ve chimed in: I’ve found the advice here to be helpful and effective. I still have a long way to go, but I can honestly say that the anger is subsiding and thoughts of my ex and our marriage are no longer all-consuming.

    Thank you again, everyone.


    What can I say. I know this is a five year old topic, but aside from its age it’s still rather relevant today. I was married for 3 years but together with her for 10. It was a rocky relationship as we got deeper in to our time together. I got too comfortable too quick. Then on New Year’s Day of 2018 her New Years wish was to move out on January 1st. She already had someone in mind in terms of whom she wanted to date even before leaving me. She was able to work out the logistics with her parents to move into one of the 4 homes that they owned. I was left to my own vices and myself as a dog. It was the worst feeling ever. My alcohol consumption sky rocketed from there and at that point I decided to move back from Arizona to New York. The adjustment has been less than desired to say the least. I’m currently living with my mom and resolving my alcoholism issues with naltrexone. During this time it’s been an unimaginable challenge to try to NOT think about her even though she so quickly “moved on”. When we got married she never took my last name, which I don’t mind but then one day a couple of weeks ago she had the audacity to contact me directly and said in a paraphrasing manner that be boyfriend calls her Theresa Rebecca. As if!! Are you frackin serious?!! What kind of a sick joke is that not only to rub that in my face but to even joke about the fact about her changing her name even if it was a joke I’m trying to heal and that comment was completely out of line and I should have said something, but since then I didn’t. Anyways, the reason why I’m posting is because I can’t go to public establishments or even do something without my mind wandering off and thinking about all of the great times we had together and how my heart is still lingering for her even after all of this. I don’t know what to do. Any advice would greatly be appreciated. Thank you so much.

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