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    To Shawn and jenuwren21:

    Thank you so much for sharing your stories and advice.

    And to all who’ve chimed in: I’ve found the advice here to be helpful and effective. I still have a long way to go, but I can honestly say that the anger is subsiding and thoughts of my ex and our marriage are no longer all-consuming.

    Thank you again, everyone.


    Thank you for sharing that, Anonymous. That’s got to be tough. I’m sure it’s very helpful for your son to see you acting in such a positive manner. I hadn’t thought about forgiving her being a precursor to forgiving myself. I’ve told myself I forgive myself, but I still carry a sense of shame for my part in the failure of the marriage, as well as for theanger and cruelity I lashed back at her with, so I guess I haven’t.

    Anyone, you raise two points I struggle with. “Forgiveness is the trait of the strong.” I know you’re right about this. Part of my shame and guilt in the whole process is having to admit how weak I’ve been. But it is well past time to be strong and move forward. I also tend to reflect on and analyze everything to death, and never really give my mind a break.

    I think I really need to be working on how to let go of anything that needs being let go. But I’ll get there.

    Thanks so much!


    Thanks, Anonymous. Can you clarify this part? I think some words got a bit mixed up? “It is a well known suggestion that you pray for the person you feel you need to forgive (because you are in pain from the resentment) but you can’t. It is usually suggested that you give it 1-2 weeks daily.”

    When you talk about “my side”, do you mean my part in the failure of the marriage, or in my continued dwelling in it? A lot of anger stems from me being all to willing early on to acknowledge my part of the failure of the marriage and how my actions/inactions led to it, and resistant to doing the same for her. Later, when I came to more fully understand her roll not just as regards the affair, but her actions/inactions throughout the marriage, I let myself be angry. Really angry. And I just sort of stayed there.

    Even so, I’ve had time to think on what everyone here has shared, and I think I am starting to free up a bit. For example, I’ve recited the affirmation Anyone shared, and I think I feel some movement. I think I just need to acknowledge there’s not going to be an instant fix and to commit to taking the actions I can each day to disengage my mind from the situation, and trust a genuine peace will come in time.


    Thank you all so much for support and suggestions. There is much here to take to heart and I thank you for taking the time to share.

    Jamie, I will take a look at The Reality Slap. It sounds like it will be very useful.

    Anyone, I’ve been trying to get into the habit of doing daily affirmations without much success. But yours, “I forgive those who have hurt me and peacefully detach from them,” speaks to a core need for me and may be just what I need to make it a habit.

    The Ruminant. Wow. I don’t think I’ve ever read anything that I feel has described my problem so clearly and completely before. This part especially: “So in a way, you’re actually attacking yourself constantly. It’s like a rehearsal or obsession over the potential threat. So inadvertently, you’ll actually never reach the state of feeling safe through these exercises.” And this, which I haven’t really been doing at all: “Be more loving to your own tender heart. It has been through a lot and it needs to heal. Your mind also has been working overtime, so it needs soothing.”

    I think what you’ve said is exactly right if I understand. I felt so hurt and betrayed by her actions, I’ve determined I won’t let her do that to me again, so I constantly replay what happened as well as act through new scenarios as a defensive measure. In a sense, I’ve been caring for myself strictly from a place of conflict and defense, and it’s time to do so from a place of peace and growth. I need to give myself permission to do that. Your words bear more reflection and thought, but I think you shot to the crux of the problem in a few paragraphs in a way months of therapy failed to do. Thank you for that insight.

    Adam and Inky, I’ve gotten so used to seeing my ex as the villain, I have lost sight of the person. Your words will help me move to a more centered place in my thinking, I hope.

    Anonymous, I like that quote about resentment. I’m going to make a desktop wallpaper out of it as a daily reminder.

    Steve, the forgiveness is hard. My struggle is with it as a chicken-and-the-egg kind of problem. Do I need to really feel a sense of forgiveness before I can say it, or is saying it a needed switch to release the feeling?

    Thank you all so much.

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