Anita,

I was thinking about telling her but I am worried. I don’t want to stress her out more.

Maybe I should tell her. It’s hard to tell her without breaking out in tears. The last time she asked if I was depressed and I said yeah. And I started to cry.

And the photos came out great. If I could post on here I would but I don’t think I can post photos.

I’m sad right now honesty.

Andy

Anita,

We have discussed therapy. Is it depression? I go through cycles. I feel really good then feel really low.

I didn’t look at her when they walked by I just kept in conversation with my friends and tried not to show anything.

You’re right with the feel the pain and move on.

I went to my car and cried a bit because I just felt less of what I am.

The day got somewhat better after that. I remember my art was going to be put around school and that the art director wanted me to take some of his classes.

Then I went to Disneyland and took some photos because I’m a photographer. With a friend.

I wanted to talk to my mom about my depression but I feel as if it’s a burden because she is going though her cancer stuff.

Today I feel just neutral. Not high or low. More low than high I guess. Empty. But not too bad.

How are you?

Andy

Anita,

I had to turn down a job offer so I could go to school in the summer so i could transfer sooner.

For some reason that decision stressed me out.

I’m unsure about my moms cancer situation. If it’s spread or not.

Healing my heart still. A dream about my ex last night didn’t help me.

It’s only been 4 months since she started dating that new guy.

See them at school and it’s hit or miss if it effects me or not.

I just need a push sometimes. On some days because I can’t stand the emotions.

Andy.

I have another update.

Today at school I had to go to the library for some homework. In the back of my head I knew I would see my ex so I was scared as I walked because I didn’t want to see her and her new boy like I did before.

So on the way back to class, I walked into the building. I saw a pair of eyes looking at me and through everyone bustling around the campus I noticed it was hers. As she stood with her new boy looking at me.

Myself didn’t notice it at first but I feel as if she was looking at me for a while. I was walking with my friends laughing and smiling as we talked and walked to class.

Instead of feeling scared and hurt after seeing her, I felt okay. I sat in class feeling an overwhelming sense of confidence although it was on my mind.

I felt proud of myself. Because I took a major step in my own confidence. I thought I couldn’t face her but I feel like I can now.

It was weird. But I saw her again after class with her boy and she looked somewhat distressed. Maybe she wasn’t but it looked like it. Myself again laughing and smiling with my friends.

I feel proud of myself.

Andy.

Anita,

The first part of your answer, was that to me or her? I haven’t started dating yet or anything. In fact, I like being single right now. It’s not bad. I’d rather be where I am, and deal with what I’ve been through then where she is. I don’t think she’s grown as much as I have personally. I tend to believe being single for a while is good. If you’re happy being alone you’ll be happy being with someone also. Which is where I’m getting.

And you’re right about the giving up. I guess I should just drop everyone who’s hurting me. Like you said, maybe I’ll figure it out in therapy.

Andy.

Hello everyone,

It’s been a while. An update. I still remain in no contact with my ex. She was still liking my pictures on Instagram so ultimately I blocked her. I felt it was right so I wouldn’t have to see her name pop up on my phone and trigger anything.

Since then I’ve taken things day by day. Some days are extremely hard and some are good. I am strongly considering therapy. I believe giving an identity to my feelings will help me and be the final push of letting go. I believe I might suffer from depression.

I feel mad, sad, happy, confused, jealous and many others along the lines of that. And for some reason I feel like karma somehow needs to come around. But that’s just my mad, sad and confused self talking.

It’s gotten somewhat easier. I’ve put a lot of the heart ache on hold as I just found out my mom may have cancer again. So I’m focused being positive support for her.

Hopefully therapy works out for me. I’m excited.

Andy

Anita,

I avoid talking with my friends because I already have and j feel like it will make me look weak and they might annoyed. They’ll just say “Get over it already.” Or something. Maybe not directly but in there heads they will.

It’s easier to talk to you and it is helping. We’re super close. We know everything about each other and he’s been through the same thing as me. I guess I just haven’t reached out enough to him about him.

Andy

Anita,

Yes. We’re actually close again. Almost like s brotherhood that never was lost.

Andy