Hi Tectonic Tranquility,

In searching for my own answers I came across your post and I sympathize with your predicament. I’m curious. Are you a stay at home mom? Or is it just that he isn’t home much at night? That can be very isolating. I work evenings and my husband works days. It hasn’t been an easy way to raise a family for either of us. He only recently admitted to me that he always thought I was cheating on him after work at night. (I’ve never cheated on him or even been remotely close at that). I was repulsed that he held onto that belief about me for all these years.

My husband and I were also 17 when we started dating. At 34 we have a 13, 11, and 9 year old and are headed toward divorce in very slow fashion. He moved out almost 3 months ago, but for us the damaging fights that slowly increased in regularity had gone on for years. Even now we both say how much we love each other, but we just can’t seem to identify and get over this wall in front of us.

I have found a ton of amazing resources and advice during this process though. Many of which I think could have saved our marriage if I had found them during the time that our arguments were escalating.

You would be right to work on yourself and learning how to fulfill your own needs during this time (Admittedly way easier said than done). A book by Pema Chodron called “When Things Fall Apart – Heart Advice for Difficult Times” has been a true gift to read when I feel hopeless. You are doing what I did with my husband, which is grabbing tighter and tighter as he slips away and allowing your loving embrace to turn into a gripping hold. One of my favorite quotes from the book is, “only to the extent that we expose ourselves over and over to annihilation can that which is indestructible be found in us.”

Also, check out a podcast called Relationship Alive with Neil Sattin as its host. These are also available on You Tube as well  https://www.youtube.com/user/neilsattin. Just read through the topics and pick one you are drawn to. Some personal favorites for me are #69 with Hedy Schleifer, #86 with John Gray, #4 with Terry Real. These podcasts will change everything you thought you knew about men and relationships and give you something relistic to think about and work on throughout the day.

Due to these podcasts and my application of their advice I have been able to put the brakes on our fighting and slow down the pace of our impending divorce. We can have conversation and neither of wants to have a relationship with anyone new. We just want to be better friends and co parents for our kids. In the meantime we’ll see if we can find a way to love each other again, but the only way that will happen is if I learn how to fill up my own cup and take care of my own needs and take the pressure off of him.

We live in a time when we expect more from our spouses than ever before. We want them to be our lover, best friend, confidant, and to fulfill our every need and want in life AND do it for oh say um 50 years. That is just not going to happen without some growing pains. Unless each of you learns how to fill your own cups (as he’s doing at work) and allow it to overflow to one another. What would it look like to him if you took a community class? Take a pottery class or learn how to garden. What could you do that would stimulate growth and self love in your own heart that might make him say, “wow… that’s different. What is she up to?”

I know I don’t know your personal situation well and there’s always a chance he does have feelings for this woman and exploring that possibility is painful. Also, he may be totally committed to this project as a way to move your family forward financially and he may feel stunned that he isn’t being appreciated for it. (Men need to feel appreciated for their efforts).

I hope this helps you bit… but seriously check out that podcast. Good luck on your journey!!!