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CTParticipantDear Melissa
Two months is still a short time in the grand scheme of things. You were together for a long time, you invested in the relationship and you had plans for the future. You loved your boyfriend and when someone you love so much hurts you it’s natural to feel a lot of mixed emotions. You may feel betrayed, abandoned, and rejected. You still feel all these feelings of love towards them even though they hurt you and that creates a lot of conflict internally. These are feelings you need to acknowledge and accept. That they may well be there for a while and that’s ok but you’re only human.
I’m still fresh from my breakup, just over a month and I have been up and down like a yo yo however the greatest thing I’ve learn is that it’s actually forced me to look at myself and the things I can do to be happier in myself. I really like this great quote by Christine Caine ” Sometimes when you’re in a dark place and you think you’ve been buried you’ve actually been planted”. It’s incredibly difficult but now is the time to focus on you. Is there something you’ve always wanted to do but never managed to do because you were thinking about him? Are there things in your own life aside from this you’ve always wanted to change? Now is the time to look at them
These questions of reaching out and telling him, how do you think they would affect you? Are you trying to seek answer when you have them already for closure? Don’t spend time caring about someone who clearly doesn’t feel the same about you. If you don’t get the response you want you will only end up being more hurt.
About finding someone else. It’s easy for others to be judgemental. Do what you think feels natural to you but bear in mind if your heart is not fully healed it may be very difficult to accept someone else. It may not be fair to the other person if your ex is still on your mind so much.
I wish you all the best, I’m sorry you’re going this pain right now
August 14, 2015 at 12:04 pm in reply to: Feeling lost and hopeless after my girlfriend broke up with me! #81838CTParticipantJust wanted to share an update in my progress. I’ve been mainly focused on work over the last couple of weeks. Been socializing a lot with friends. They have been amazing and really looking after me. Most of the time when I’m occupied I don’t really think about the relationship I’ve lost but nights, mornings, and weekends are very difficult. Some days it’s as if I wake up and feel it’s just been a bad dream and that were still together. I’ve been feeling less hopeless about the future, although it has been very difficult getting used to being on my own again. Forward planning becomes really important so that time alone isn’t spent wallowing in days gone by.
She text to ask me how I was doing a week or so ago and I didn’t really know how to respond. Felt like saying to her I’m really struggling and miss her immensely but didn’t want to seem weak and pathetic. I kept quiet and just asked her when she would be free to take her stuff back. She agreed a date and then cancelled on me saying she’s stressed at work (she’s just started her intern year) and that it would be too difficult and could I ask our mutual friends to drop stuff off. I felt like saying to her, I’ve been telling her for the past year the intern year is horrible and may be now she would understand why I’ve been the way I have. But again I kept my mouth shut, I prefer to take the high road.
Friends helped to take things back today. Feel a great sadness in my heart, as if over 2 years of a relationship got packed away in 20 minutes. I would have liked proper closure, I wasn’t about to go over and beg, I’m better than that but would have like to have had the chance to say goodbye properly. Either way I guess sometimes we create our own closure.
CTParticipantLeeya
I’m sorry to hear that you are hurting right now. It sounds as if you have clearly been mislead or that he has changed his mind during the course of the relationship. He sounds as if he has some issues that he needs to work on. When a relationship ends it can often feel as if you do not have any control over the situation especially if the other person is the one breaking up with you. It’s probably come as a big shock to you and your emotions are all over the place.
Remember it’s ok to feel depressed after a difficult breakup. There’s often many unanswered questions. It is a difficult time. It may be difficult to see this now but if he dragged the relationship out for a much longer time then it would be far worse if he didn’t feel the same way.
CTParticipantThinker
You are right it’s not easy, acceptance is always difficult but remember everyone must take ownership of their problems just like you have done. We cannot expect others to solve all our problems, that’s not how life works and it’s not how the world works. As a caring person you probably feel like you want to help all the time but in the long term this only creates more problems for the people you love and care about.
August 2, 2015 at 9:48 am in reply to: Feeling lost and hopeless after my girlfriend broke up with me! #81059CTParticipantAdam
I think it takes an incredible amount of courage to admit your insecurities on any kind of social media. People only want to hear good things all the time. I wish you all the best for medschool. Remember don’t let anyone tell you that you that you can’t do anything. There will be times ahead where you worry about whether you have made the right decision, but stick it out, this is normal for the vast majority of medics. I will pray for you. I wish you every success and if you ever need any advice let me know.
Take care
CTParticipantThinker it’s great that you have taken the time to work on yourself and the inner problems you have. Sometimes with others acceptance is the key. You can lead a horse to water but you cannot make it drink. You are distressed by their unhealthy ways of dealing with problems but you can only advise to the best of your ability. After this it is up to them to reach their own conclusions. Ask yourself, do you expect others to behave, think, and act in the same way as you may do? Each person is different, people have to make mistakes themselves to gain insight into their own shortcomings. Accepting this and realizing that you actually have very little control over others is key. You can facilitate growth by being nuturing and understanding but you cannot force it. Everyone must go on their own journey just as you have done.
August 1, 2015 at 12:26 pm in reply to: Breaking up after 2 years and don't know how to cope… #81011CTParticipantTroubled spirit
I’m sorry that you are going through all this pain right now. It can’t be easy having to face her and her mom everyday. Whilst you are still hurting it can often be difficult to be objective about the situation. You obviously said what you did for a reason. Did you really see a future with her? Or are you looking to piece things up because you you really see a future with her or because you are emotionally investing and don’t want to lose her?
It’s normal to feel the way you do right now and you sound like a very considerate person for letting her and her mom stay with you, however you also need to look after yourself and your boys. Remember you cannot be responsible for other people’s actions, if can only be responsible for your own. Her not wanting to work on things says more about her than it does about you. I am too learning this the hard way after breaking up with someone I’ve been with for the last 2 years.
It’s hard but you have to have some distance from her. Give it a shot at having a reasonable discussion with her. Get things off your chest. If you really want to make things work, suggest ways in which your relationship could be different or healthier rather than just suggest you get back together. Remember that self worth comes from within not from somebody else.
August 1, 2015 at 12:02 pm in reply to: Feeling lost and hopeless after my girlfriend broke up with me! #81010CTParticipantThanks for your reply Adam
I’ve had a weekend of reflection. Saw some good friends who had got married and have had kids whilst I went back to medschool. I’ve realised that they aren’t happy either. You are right, every one seems happy on the outside. Especially if you look at social media. No one posts that they are struggling with their mood or that they had a difficult day at work.
I’m being to be more grateful for the things I do have. Yes I still experience up and downs but I feel as if I am privileged to be a doctor, to try my best to make a difference to people lives. I think things could always be worst. I could have found I’m going into a mundane desk job on Monday instead of going into the hospital.
You’re right about the whole career thing. It will never “leave” me, it is one of the things I actually have control over. although I have had a rollcoaster of a few years at medschool I can say it was worth it. Sometimes it is difficult to see but I know in 5 years time I will be grateful I put the work in. Good luck with medschool, remember to enjoy the journey.
July 31, 2015 at 5:20 pm in reply to: Feeling lost and hopeless after my girlfriend broke up with me! #80970CTParticipantThanks for your replies. Adam I wish you every success at med school. It is tough but my advice is to enjoy the process. You will never get that time back again when you can have fun with your friends without the responsibility of the job.
I think you are right in saying that may be from her perspective she cannot see the clearly through the chaos of the last year. I have been going to counselling recently and I have now started to realise that there are many things that I cannot control or influence. Her decision is one of these things. I’ve actually been a few long term relationships on and off for the last 13 years. I know when something is worth holding on to and the bad relationships. I guess I’m so cut up because I feel that this one is worth fighting for. I’ve made mistakes in the past and given up perfectly good relationships because I felt there was more out there. She is inexperienced. Although she is late 20s I am the first serious relationship she’s ever had. I’m not sure she realises beyond the honeymoon period we have to keep working to keep the romance going. Marriages are built on hard work. But I cannot do the work alone or give her the insight to realise what the grass is like on the other side.
Tay I fully understand the pain that you are going through. I understand the sense of betrayal. I keep asking myself how can someone who says they love me just abandon me like that. I’ve always supported her through med school. But then I realise now that this is so much more than that. I cannot be responsible for the way that others feel. Yes I’ve made mistakes but we all do in relationship. Maybe the right person is the one who will stay with me through the good times and the bad.
Thank you all for your kind words. I know in my head that things should improve with time but right now I’m really struggling with my feelings. Waking up feeling like there should be someone lying next to me, missing my best friend, not having her to come home too after a hard days work, nights and weekends are the worse. I can’t seem to let go at the moment.
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