To thank those that gave advice at the time and for anyone in posterity who may see this and benefit from it:

Now, 8 months later, the situation is exactly the way we had aimed for. The crush is gone on both sides, and we remain good friends. That includes my wife and Liz as well. We often see each other and do stuff together as one would do with friends.

So what the subject line of this thread states is possible, and probably not even all that hard to achieve in many cases.

The keys to getting here in our case were the following: totally open and honest three-way communication; trust on all sides; a clear goal; patience/time; some “abstinence” during the hot phase. I also spent a few hours talking to a therapist. It was somewhat useful and I don’t regret the money spent but I don’t think it was essential, or instrumental. Regarding the abstinence: in the two months following the initial post here, the infatuation was at its most intense and disturbing. There came a moment where I was no longer willing to tolerate it and I told Liz that we needed time out again (we had already inserted a 3-week period of radio silence after the first month), at least a month, maybe more. It was five weeks eventually when I felt we could try seeing each other again. The infatuation was still there but it was much milder then and it continued to weaken and dissipated about four to five months after the initial outbreak.

Thanks to all of you for your input.

• This reply was modified 9 years, 8 months ago by Axel Curiosity.
• This reply was modified 9 years, 8 months ago by Axel Curiosity.

Big Blue, you are simply not reading the situation right. She didn’t quit because I had a thing for her. She quit because SHE had a thing for ME. I only started getting a “thing for her” after she had already quit. Considering loving two women at the same time and in the course of it perhaps also promoting friendship between them came naturally to me. I don’t have to defend my thoughts, do I? I thought the point of this sort of forum is to look at what is, and then deal with it constructively instead of judging. Judging doesn’t help me, you know? The women and the man involved in this scenario are also extremely unlikely to descend to the lows of seeking revenge in court. Revenge for what anyways? Nobody has been violated. All three, as far as I can see, are doing their best to deal with the situation with sincerity, openness and caring for the others. And finally, I thankfully live outside the US with its absurd workplace and divorce laws so the possibility of emails between me and Liz being used in court to my detriment is zero.

Matt, sure. But we didn’t cross any lines in that sense while she was still working with me. At least I didn’t. I didn’t have a crush on her, and wasn’t (and still am not!) sexually interested in her. Although obviously I came to depend on her in other ways. She was no longer working with me when we had that meeting at her apartment. She isn’t working for me now and won’t be anytime in the near future. I have no intention of putting my marriage at risk. I am trying to lose the infatuation. Which isn’t as easy as I wish it were. I am not sure if you saw my longer post in response to Big Blue above but I am trying different things to change the way I think and therefore feel about her. Right now we aren’t talking about much at all as I followed your advice. I suggested to her that we watch the stuff we do online and by phone, reduce it to instances when there is something to share, but don’t connect just to connect. She thought it was a very good way of looking at it and hasn’t been in touch since. I am in no hurry to break the radio silence. If I break it, it will indeed be only when I have something to share with her that I genuinely feel will help her with her own struggle.

• This reply was modified 10 years, 5 months ago by Axel Curiosity.
• This reply was modified 10 years, 5 months ago by Axel Curiosity.

Hi Big Blue, thanks for your thoughts. You are right about the not thinking clearly. Since I posted the original post, I have started to look for approaches to make the thinking clearer. One approach is to analyze scenarios. There is only one scenario in which Liz and I indulge in our crush, and where the outcome might be positive. And that would be for my wife to encourage or allow an “open relationship”. Well, my wife isn’t, and even if she were, I understand from reading about the topic here and there, that open relationships in the majority of cases do not work well and can lead to aggravation and heartache as well. So this scenario needs to be discarded. All other scenarios are negative, anyway. So, I am thinking more clearly now than a couple of days ago. That doesn’t completely get rid of the infatuation though. Another approach I am using is to direct my thoughts away from “what could be” with her, and from the loss I sense right now, toward the positives in my life and to getting back to the life I actually want to live. Which of course includes a my beloved wife. I try to guide my thoughts toward rekindling the love I feel for her and superimpose that on the infatuation with Liz. This, too, does its bit toward reducing the infatuation.

You suggest a sort of mechanical solution, namely to completely sever the relationship with Liz for an extended period. Although I won’t rule that out either, I am still reluctant to do that. For now, we have agreed on a 3-week break, and, as Matt suggested, to carefully watch our communications, to make sure we aren’t connecting just to connect. For the past 36 hours or so we have had no contact. It sucks but I can see that this, too, does its bit.

Perhaps in three weeks we will find that the period wasn’t long enough. I suppose we’ll “double the dose” then.

Where did the 6 months you suggested come from? Your personal experience? Data from mental health literature?

Matt, good advice. I agree that the key is my intentions. Letting go, accepting that this isn’t for me, etc would certainly end the problem effectively. I have been oscillating between a state where that acceptance prevails and a state where the desire has had the upper hand. At times where I was nearly letting go, Liz could sense it and relaxed. At times when the butterflies were out in force, she became apprehensive. It’s amazing how just a little gesture, an emoticon or a few words on Skype or email can communicate what’s happening with one of us, and how that loops back to the other. Although we now can only see each other once per week when she comes visit us for a weekend afternoon and dinner (she has already found a new job) we are still in touch daily by email, Skype, phone. I wonder if completely breaking off all contact for a while would help me settle my intention firmly and release the butterflies.