Yeah I just think I have always felt the pressure not to let people down and always act correctly or perfectly to make other people’s lives easier….even if that meant me suffering.

I don’t actually drink to the extent of being drunk if my partner is not there, just because I feel it makes me vunrable and puts me in an unsafe position. When my boyfriend is there he will make sure I get home safely etc because I do tend to blackout.

I think the reason I have struggled with this so hard, is because about 5 years ago I had gone to a wedding, again with free wine and got too drunk and acted in a similar way and hurt my boyfriends feelings, after that I told myself I would drink that much and lose myself again. Obviously after 5 years of drinking with no issues I let my guard down and drank a bit too much. I think that’s why it hit me so hard, because I didn’t learn enough from the first time!

Wow

I had never thought about that. I did quite frequently get told off for things that were minor. This was for two reasons. Firstly I think very differently to my family, so sometimes I would as questions or say things that would be misinterpreted due to their lack of understanding and not understanding my intention. Also my sister was out of control to the point where my parents had no control over her. This lead to me getting screamed at a lot because as my mum could scream at her for her big things, she would scream at me for my little things. I was always having to take a back seat, as I was a child who never fought back or said no.

I had to be the good child because my mum always already had a bad child.

Dear Anita

I think want I meant is, an outsiders opinion on my relationship shouldn’t matter to me, as they don’t know what happens behind closed doors and what they think or say when i’m not there has no ability to actually change the heath of our union.

Me & my partner have a great deal of open communication and trust, so it shouldn’t matter to me if my friends & acquaintances think we are perfect or not.

In fact I don’t believe any relationship can be perfect as humans all make mistakes along the line, the only real mistake would be not to learn and grown from them. I have learnt from mine, I just need to let go of the guilt, stop wishing to go back in time (as it is impossible), move on and be the best me in the future.

On a side note….. I have been doing guided meditations first thing every morning for the last two days, getting good exercise and my intrusive thoughts and anxiety have been far more sporadic, which is good news. Plus I have my appointment with the GP tomorrow, so let’s hope they help me too.

It hard for me to pin point and exact time that fear kicked in, because I have over thought for as long as I have been conscious.

My Mum says even as a child I was very emotional and self aware and that’s how I remember it to.

What I do know is I hate for things to be imperfect, out of my control or unfinished.

I would say true anxiety didn’t kick in till I was a teenager, but worrying and over thinking things had always been an affliction of mine. Depression kicked in during secondary school too. With a very strong feeling of being isolated, different and missunderstood by everyone arounds me.

It was when I went to university and met my partner that I finally felt understood.

I have always worried or over though about my future and my past for as long as I remember.

You are right, I know you are & sometimes I do have moments of clarity. But with in a flash my mind becomes cloudy again, I feel sick to my stomach and I become depressed.

I need to stay in the now! You are right. I know time will make this easier as well, I need to stay strong, but I am struggling.

I’m also scared that my GP will just ignore me like the last time I tried to get help, but I really need it this time, I recently suffered from every symptom of a nervous breakdown for about 10 days. I was so ill.