Hi Kkasxo,

I agree with shelby. Congrats on going and getting involved. I can related to seeing couples being all couply whilst your stood there and then the emotions just hit you like a tidal wave. That happened when I went on a night out around two weeks ago now (although the last two weeks have felt like two years) and it didnt ruin my night but lead me to have a little cry before deciding it was the best time to go to bed and id stopped having fun.

It will get easier, cocktails may have been a contributed to it suddenly feeling overwhelming.

You are strong and you can do this! What are the plans for tomorrow? Is it the day they exchange vows? (I have little experience with weddings). Although with my ex his cousin proposed to his girlfriend of 6 months or a year and all I could think was why isnt that us? am I not good enough? Idk if that’s relate-able, anyway, sending hugs and encouragement that you’ll get through it and feel stronger for it ,

V

Hi Shelby,

Sorry for the late reply I watched a film I bought a week ago to distract me that has sat on the side, it distracted me but now I’m back to wondering how my ex got on over the past few days. Did he have a good night out with friends? Is he feeling any better? I can’t not care. He’s off to his parents, who I haven’t talked to because I’m avoiding it. On one hand I feel like I should be responsible and apologise for breaking up with their son, on the other hand its a private matter. Any thoughts/advice for that?

“well done if you can get through a novel! I currently have 6 books waiting to be finished!” – I found that I started filling the empty void in my soul by buying books, in the last three weeks I have accumulated 10 books that I haven’t actually started to read. I adore going around charity shops as it gives me a purpose and gets me out the house. However, its too easy to buy stuff I never needed (like a tray that has a cat lying in a hammock on it) – I need to be watching my budget, but i’ve been kinder to myself until I feel okay (for example I missed a few lectures on thursday and felt awful about it, but instead of letting my mind overthink about it I just told myself what I would tell a friend “youll catch up at the weekend its fine”).

“I don’t know why the time comes up as early on the posts, it’s the same time where I am as where you are.” – ah good good.

“Btw, your phone breaking could have been the best thing to happen you this weekend! Sometimes I wonder would it better altogether if the power is taken out of my hands altogether!” – yeah its definitely helped. However, I have been weak to social media (may or may not have checked my exs fb or instagram more than I care to admit – even though I know he barely uses it).

“Also, you tried a new society? That’s fantastic. I will not do anything new at the moment, I can’t even manage some things I’ve done before even, like going for dinner! However my therapist says the only way to combat fear and anxiety is to keep doing things as you’ve always done. The more I crouch away from things, the bigger the anxiety gets. So he says, the more I face the fear, the smaller it gets a shrinks back.” – I agree with that. The more of your fears that you can face the more free you will feel (I have found that it works well if you have a therapist though as you can tackle things then have someone to vent to about it). So I agree with your therapist (: I spent a lot of my first year in my own head, avoiding people and scared of rejection, but also scared of being accepted (a strange mix I know). I have promised myself that this year I will join one new society.

“Fingers crosses! Thinking of Kkasxo at the wedding today, hope she gets through it ok and kudos to her for getting the courage to go.” – same, I hope her next update is telling us she had fun and really enjoyed it.

I love how we are all so invested in each other and cheer each other on (: It’s wonderful.

I keep seeing so much negativity online that this website has been such a lovely place to come to.

– V

Hi Shelby,

haha it’s fine (: I know what you mean, there’s a lot of things that my ex helped me with that are practical/tech related and now I need to find a youtube video or how to video that tells me how to complete a task step-by-step haha

Shelby,

Next to our posts at the top in the light gray stripe that has the date and time in it, on the far right on some it says “report reply” and others it says “edit”, if you could edit the post (if it is possible) so it says ”

Shelby, Kkasxo ,

So in terms of my breakup I will go into detail, I have been hesitant because I feel like by talking about it its real if that makes sense (for example, referring to him as an “ex” is weird and hits me with a wave of nostalgia, loss etc all at once).

I broke up with him because I felt like I had become an anxious person and my issues were affecting the relationship to the point where I felt like I was becoming toxic.

The reason I am going through heartbreak is because I feel like I could fight for the relationship if I really tried. I hate that after years of issues that I dont feel like I have the energy in me for such a serious relationship, I need a break.

I didnt want to break up, I wanted a break (maybe 6 months or something) but he either does a relationship or friends.

Could this have been avoided? Yes, if we had communicated properly, But ultimately I feel like the stress of life just made me lose myself and Idk how I went from “lets get married” to “meh” in 6 months. Im devastated because we nearly had our happy ending, he had ordered an engagement ring yet I found that out on the night a few months ago where I broke up with him.

I think i’m healing quicker than I expected because I almost have subconsciously emotionally left the relationship before I ended it.

Currently I keep wanting to call him, go to therapy etc and work things out but I know that I would be doing it because I feel awful for hurting him and I know that if we are reunited then it has to be when I have learnt to live again and after ive worked on myself. But im also questioning the decision every day.

I hope this helps clarify things.”

That would be helpful.

“Im extremely lucky that the people I surround myself with are true genuine and caring people.” – that’s wonderful! (:

“find a new tribe!” – I find that I am someone who has many friends from different walks in life which can at times feel like I dont have any because I’m not part of some big group (I am aware though that thats my inner child worrying though and its irrational).

“I am supposed to be staying at a friends tonight. She as a small baby which is a distraction but she also suffers with severe anxiety herself at times and really gets it.” – a baby will definately be a distraction haha I’m sorry to hear that she also suffers from severe anxiety as well, but at least you can ride the rollercoaster together and understand where each other comes from (:

I’ve tidied my room a bit and just got some food. I’m currently avoiding the kitchen because there’s a big spider hiding somewhere haha In addition to this somehow I have applied to about 20 jobs which I’m proud of myself for being I get a lot of job anxiety but it would help me feel more in independent. I hate living off savings because I every bit of money I spend I can’t earn it back. I’ve even applied to be an elf in a grotto! Which I would genuinely love (:

Btw if you cant edit or remove the post its fine (: It’s not like I’ve said anything on hear I wouldn’t say to anyone in real life.

,

V

• This reply was modified 5 years, 6 months ago by Victoria.

Shelby,

“I do hope you are doing ok today. You seem to be a lot more grounded that you possibly realise, I admire your resilience. ” – thank you, I think im coming across stronger than I am because some days I have to force myself out of the bed, the only reason I haven’t caved and called my ex is because my phones broken and I’m trying to distract myself to avoid feeling lonely or getting in a what-if spiral. My hangover has lifted which is good, I don’t think I have drank so much in my life before! The night was okay but I’ve decided to depart from that group of friends because the guy I had a short fling with (I dont even think I even call it that..probably just two one night stands) was there and they were making a big deal about him getting off with another girl. In all honestly there fuss seemed to convince my brain I cared more than I really did. The only reason I got a bit upset is because he put his friends in this awful position of defending is actions and well, put his friends in an awkward position.

Ive decided now I can think clearly, that everyone in the group only knows me because I hooked up with him and I dont really have anything in common with them. I spend half my night listening to his friends tell me why he didn’t like etc and all I wanted to do was dance! haha I am growing and finally realising when a situation or person is toxic and having the strength to leave even though it may make me have no friends for the short-term and creates anxiety over being uncertain.

“pain and anxiety for me has eased this afternoon” – That’s brilliant! Do you think the anxiety you’ve experienced in the morning has eased? I find that there are some times of the day when I am more susceptible to feeling anxious and ive found once you’ve recognised when those times are you can prepare for them. My anxiety can creep in on an evening when no one else is here so to prepare for that I ensure I’ve eaten or that I close the curtains so my brain doesn’t realise its night time haha

“I feel therapy is really important and more people should avail of it if they can do so. But at the moment I feel that everyone is saying it’ll only take time to heal.” – therapy is rather helpful, but at times depending on where you live/your finances it can take a while to get and you have to be invested in the process. But if you get access to it I would advise going, even just for one session. The only reason I ended up in therapy is because my university offers it but before then I didnt seek help because I felt like I wasn’t anxious or depressed enough – which is silly. Also in the UK we have the NHS who provide 6 weeks of therapy but the waiting list can be really really long which is another reason it is easy to justify not going, because you seek help then feel like you’re just a statistic rather than a human being. If you can afford it, private therapy is the best.

What have you got planned for the rest of the day/tomorrow then?

Shelby,

Oh my you sound exactly like me! That made me laugh, I too am an obsessive overthinker and its even worse when there isn’t a clear step-by-step rule book that promises I will defiantely feel better and I will have solved heartache at the end, or if there is it probably says I will feel better in 6 months but I want to feel better now (I too am impatient) .

“Pandora’s box has been opened but I want to put it all back in and never open it. But he said you can’t put Pandora back in the box. So I replied ‘Great, so basically I’m screwed’ ” – this is EXACTLY how I feel, Im frustrated that the damage has been done and theres no way you can just see them for an hour where everything was content (before everything blew up).

“When I breakdown I question am I bringing it on myself by ruminating.”  “If I’m less anxious and in less pain for a few hours, I wonder have I gone into denial mode.” – I think all of this is how you are dealing with loss, like I say everytime you breakdown or cry its your bodys reaction to grief and in turn its healing your heart.