Forum Replies Created
March 10, 2014 at 8:40 am #52580
Thank you for your response.
It’s not like our life is void of conflict, we have a heartfelt conversation every couple months that tend to sew up our relationship; but there probably is an amount of tension that I blow off- I let go because I don’t feeling like dealing with the blame game. He’s kind of nit-picky about the way things “should be” so I just go along with it most of the time, even if it bothers me. I don’t know if this is a cause of my general disregard to our commitment. It is surely a reflection of my dislike of confrontation.
To hear that our life will never be the same as before is frightening, but I get it. It just can’t be the same if we expect to grow stronger. I need to figure out why our relationship wasn’t working for me. This will take a lot of honesty about things that are hard to confront.
I’ll do my best to embrace the lessons that will come from my actions and these circumstances.
Thanks for your thoughts.January 11, 2014 at 5:54 pm #48943
I think that drugs have the potential to calm your nerves or let you relax when your mind becomes overwhelmed with stresses.
That being said, when you always turn to weed during stressful times, you are avoiding the problem, and this avoidance becomes the habit that is hard to break. You will forget how to deal with stress.
Both with family and work, you will need to learn how to think through your problems, make rational decisions, and have perspective of the situation. Being stoned does not allow you to do that in real time.January 11, 2014 at 5:37 pm #48941
To live life wholeheartedly.January 11, 2014 at 5:33 pm #48940
Life intended for you to be many things, but certainly not a “loser.” Being a loser means that you have already lost, but clearly you are still fighting. Relevant Cliche: You may have lost some battles, but you have not lost the war. Think long term here.
You seem to be a strong, gentle-hearted person that is fighting to have a decent life, yet you are constantly being ridiculed for being nice, being used for selflessly spending your money, and being downsized for caring. True friends do not treat one another they way your friends have treated you. It’s time to have perspective on your situation and realize that your on-off girlfriend is toxic to your life. TIme to move on.September 6, 2013 at 11:59 am #41845
I definitely wanted to share my experiences with you because they are very similar.
I just recently graduated college with the hopes of getting a job that would be motivating and awesome and perfect. I would have a difference in the community that would align with my goals of teaching nature and being outside. Expectations, expectations. They set me up for a false sense of reality…
When I did get a job (very thankful for, of course), I went in there feeling like I was going to make a difference. Instead, 75% of my day is answering phone calls, 10% dealing with people, and 15% making programs for kids (like i wanted). The red tape in our organization prevents new ideas from being implemented, so you’re set in the monotony of the typical workday. It can be depleting to your sense of worth and motivation to do the job.
From month 1 to month 3, I felt that general uneasiness you were referring to. This job did not provide the challenges that I needed to fuel my brain. I declared to my friends (not to my parents, thank goodness) that I would be quitting and farming/traveling instead. “Gotta travel while you’re young.” What an amazing life that would be, huh? I could just break my lease, take my dog with me (right?), and quit.
And the friend that I trust the most just straight up told me: “you have unfinished business here. you started something, and you should finish it. there was a reason you were so excited about this job. find it out.”
Digest that advice as you will.
So, I wanted to talk about some of the things that you pointed out:
Your teacher told you to look at your motive in order to find your purpose. If I, as an observer, looked at your motive, this is what it would be:
” It had respectable timings, that allowed one to have a personal life; it was not a high pressure job at all; it was with a non-profit, which I thought would give my work some sense of greater meaning. And the offer I was made was considerably higher than what I was getting in my old job.
You weren’t doing it only for the money. Money was an added bonus.
You had high expectations of this job, but it didn’t turn out to be as great as you imagined in your mind.
Expectations, Expectations… think about the power they had in determining your satisfaction with the job.
You say that your tasks are not difficult or complex–maybe that’s the issue. Because you aren’t challenging yourself, you feel anxiety. Ask your supervisor how you can have more responsibility. Or join with other co-workers to find how what they do and how they do it. Set your eyes on a goal at work and do small things to gain trust in your co-workers at your non-profit. And have faith that groups like your own have the potential to change the community–that’s important. Just find a tiny part of your job that you might enjoy, and don’t be afraid to tell your co-workers what you would like to see in your future. Chances are, they have probably been in a similar situation, and they can give you advice.
Plus, there are always opportunities to set goals in your personal life. Sit down with a cup of tea and some good music, and write down your personal goals. And keep them with you at work so you can try to implement them whenever you can.
With all these voices inside your head, it’s difficult to find clarity. I understand. But one thing that might be proving difficult to you is your transition from a “miserable” job–one that you constantly thought about after work–to one that doesn’t require that extra headache. Your previous goals were to just get through the day–survive. Now what are your goals? Maybe you’re struggling with what to think about, what to surround your life with, and who. This can lead to anxiety and a lack of fulfillment. With extra personal time, you have the perfect opportunity to set goals and stick to them. To find friends, and to learn with them.
You’re in this situation. Although your work environment has the potential to be fulfilling, work is an externality. The lack of fulfillment has nothing to do with your working conditions, its your perceptions of them. Because reality doesn’t add up to your preconceived expectations of your situation.
My suggestions are to make your office or working environment as comfortable as you can. Open windows, get plants with pretty pots, bring snacks to treat yourself, bring artwork to hang on your wall, do nice things for your co-workers, stay organized, ask for responsibility, get dressed like you will succeed, and stay positive. Outside of work, set goals for yourself that you want to achieve–and do them. Surround yourself with positive people and positive energy.
And a note on expectations… It’s okay to want the best from everyone and every situation–that’s human nature. But as soon as you are okay with everything, then everything will be okay. So try to let go of expectations and you’ll see the possibilities.August 29, 2013 at 6:14 am #41381
Your story really resonates with me because I felt like although I was loved as a child, I did not receive the important lessons about loving and accepting yourself. It’s hindsight that makes you realize how detrimental that can be to your self-confidence, which determines how your perceive the world.
This false personality that you portrayed when you were younger was the barrier that allowed you to hide your true desires–and it hindered your ability to felt truly loved. If you had put yourself out there–yes, that’s called being vulnerable– then you would have reaped the rewards. The rewards may not have been acceptance by others. But you would have had confidence knowing that you are who you are…If they don’t like you (and let’s be real it was grade-school, everyone has something to say about everyone) then that’s just their opinion.
It’s not that simple though. To assume it to be that way would be undermining your very feelings right now. And your feelings are justified.
You said that vulnerability is weakness. That’s what so many people grow up to believe. If you expose your true self and you have imperfections (the universal caveats that everyone hides), then you are seen as weak, less than, and not enough. Unfortunately, that idea leads men and women unstable and insecure. In fact, many people turn those insecurities into hate. Hate towards others that are weak, and hate towards themselves for ever feeling that way. You haven’t turned to hate, though. You aren’t at that point. Instead, you have decided to recognize this trait in you (the fear of vulnerability) is something that you can overcome. How do you get past it? By being vulnerable. Daring Greatly by Brene Brown is a fantastic book about this. You can also watch some Ted Talks by her to get the ideas flowing. Vulnerability is tough, Chris. It’s okay to be where you are.
You’ve battled an eating disorder. You’re a survivor. You mentally and physically worked through something that is easy to give into. Have confidence in knowing that you are on your way to a healthier you. And that’s enough.
Okay — So how do you find out who you really are?
Michael Singer (author of the Untethered Soul–please read this enlightening book) wrote:
“There is nothing more important to true growth than realizing that you are not the voice of the mind – you are the one who hears it.”
How many voices have you heard in your mind telling you that you are inadequate, not enough, misunderstood, unproductive, struggling, rejected,and unloved. Then you have the other voices that says that it’s okay, that you’re working towards something, that you need to stop worrying about others perceptions of you. There are a million different voices in your mind, and you interpret those voices are who you are.
Those voices aren’t you because of the simple fact that you hear them. You can tell yourself anything right now. It’s not the voices that matters.
“People go through many changes in the name of “trying to find myself.” They want to discover which of these voices, which one of those aspects of their personality, is who they really are. The answer is simple: none of them.”
There is no need to resist that voices that are negative or demeaning. If you try to push it away, you are just giving it more energy –and inviting it to stay. So, then the way to live your life is by developing a perspective. That is, to be aware. Yoga and meditation take you there.
Singer writes that “the day you decide to be more interested in being aware of your thoughts than you are in the thoughts themselves – that is the day you will find your way out.”
I think you’re on your way. We all are.