Hi anita,

I’m back at this post, nearly two months after posting. Tonight I’m telling my husband about the affair. My other man is on board. I’ve been seeking answers, seeking permission to leave, seeking seeking seeking. In these past two months I’ve had tender moments of honesty, with both men in my life. I feel light after these moments. Then I go back to thinking about how I can un-entangle myself, while not telling my husband the truth. I’ve tried twice already. I tried to get out, without giving him the whole story. It’s not working. Not just for the situation, for but my psyche either.

I carried a dark secret for 35 years. I let it out, then immediately replaced it with another. No matter which path I take, to stay or to go, I will forever be wounded if I hold on to this secret. I can’t. Tonight I rid myself of secrets, lies and shame. I’m terrified. But it’s the only way I can feel that light again. I don’t know what will happen. I’m not holding on to any outcome. But tonight, the secrets end, forever.