Koala,

When your boyfriend continually pushes you away in order to avoid difficult conversations, and then never apologizes or takes responsibility for his behavior, he is building a wall between you and your connection/intimacy.  The more he does this, the taller the wall becomes and the harder it is to break it down.  You can do and say however much you want that you accept him as he is and that you love him unconditionally.  But you can’t fix what he has broken.  Only he can do that, by taking responsibility and doing the things that need to be done, having the conversations that need to be had.  You can’t help someone who doesn’t want your help.  I appreciate your wanting to help him.  But he needs to help himself first and acknowledge what is going on for him.  What is he afraid of?  Why does he continually push you away?  Until he is honest with himself and can tell his truth, you’ll never be able to break down that wall.  No matter how hard you try.

You said that you are a strong independent woman away from him.  Maybe that’s what you should focus on now.  Being the strong independent woman you are, with or without him.

Good luck!

Take Care and Many Blessing to You!

Dawn

Hi Maria,

A person who is abusive to you will continue to abuse you as long as you accept it (that’s just his habit).  Abuse, apologize, be nice, honeymoon phase, and then abuse again.  It’s a very bad cycle.  And one that can only be broken by someone who is willing to take responsibility for his bad behavior/choices.  You are so young and have so much in life to experience.  It would be sad for you to accept this as “normal” or settle for this type of relationship.  NOONE deserves to be abused.  And often, the abuse escalates until your life is in imminent danger.  I would hate for you to put yourself into that kind of situation for the rest of your life.  If your parents know about this behavior, along with his other “bad habits,” I can see why they don’t approve of your relationship with him.

Stay away.  Get away.  Don’t accept this behavior as normal or okay.  It’s definitely not!  Be safe!  You sound like a sweet person who just wants someone to love her as much as she loves him.  ACTIONS SPEAK LOUNDER THAN WORDS.  If he isn’t continuously trying to take care of you and help you feel safe and secure, then it’s not the right relationship for you.  If he’s not taking responisiblity for his abusive behavior and getting help for it, then he’s not healthy enough to be in a good relationship.  Try to become a little more independent.  Make some new friends.  Find some new hobbies.  Surround yourself with people who lift you up, not make you feel badly about yourself.  Date other men to see what you like and don’t like in a potential partner.  Give yourself options/possibilities.  This man doesn’t sound like he’s a good one for you (or anyone) if he’s constantly hurting you, emotionally and/or physically.

YOU DESERVE BETTER AND MORE!!

Take Care of Yourself!  I wish you peace and happiness!

Dawn

Jeff,

When I cry, it means something is speaking to my soul.  I hope that’s true in this case for you.  And that my words are somehow helping you discover more about what you want and need in your life.  I’m happy that you communicate regularly with your kids.  That’s the most important job you’ll ever have – to be a parent and good role model for your kids.

It sounds like you have already started working on yourself.  Give yourself credit for joining a gym, trying to remain healthy, cooking well for yourself.  Those are things that many people don’t do.  Don’t minimize any effort you make for yourself.

As for coming up with 5 good things about yourself…  I don’t know you at all, but I think you’re brave for even posting your challenge.  If you’re somewhat shy, it’s probably difficult to put yourself “out there” and be open with others.  So I commend you for feeling safe enough to do that here.  It sounds like you make an effort with your kids.  Some/many absentee parents are completely absent from their children’s lives.  It sounds like you are a stable presence, even if it’s not as often as you like.  And you’re seeking therapeutic help, talking to someone regularly that can help  you see your situation more clearly and help you ask the right questions while trying to find your own answers.  There are many people who refuse to face themselves honestly.  I commend you for that too.

As for your friend at work, you can try to maintain some contact/connection throughout the medical issue.  Maybe he would appreciate your support.  You can always look for other opportunities for connection: at the gym, in a running club, cooking class, anything else you’re interested in.  You can explore first and decide later.  You can always change your mind if you decide something is not quite right for you.

As for your girlfriend, if part-time isn’t good enough for you, then you have the opportunity to speak up for yourself, state your needs/wishes/desires, and then see if there’s any way to come to some sort of compromise.  Relationships are give and take by both people.  If one person always gives and the other person always takes, the relationship is unbalanced.  There should be equal amounts of both based on the needs/demands of family, work, responsibilities, etc.  It’s not equal on a daily basis, but should be equal overall over time.  If your girlfriend is not willing to give to you in ways that she could, but chooses not to, what does that say about her commitment to/love for you?  It doesn’t sound like you’re demanding any thing out of the ordinary.  You should be able to have the whole cake, not just the crumbs or leftovers.  Only you can decide if what she’s currently giving (or negotiating to give) is truly enough for you.  I don’t think that one person should be expected to fulfill all of your needs, but s/he should be able to fulfill some or many of them.  Especially if those needs are simple, basic, and ways that will show her love/care/concern for you (like a daily text, call, etc.). We all have responsibilities and stresses in our lives.  Your girlfriend should be your Safe Haven, the one person that “has your back” and helps you feel like everything will be o.k.  If she’s not that for you, then that says something else.

The Permanent Part of your life is YOU.  You have to decide what you want and what’s important to you.  And then figure out the best way to bring those things/people into your life.  You will always have your kids.  Your girlfriend may or may not stay in your life (Yes, You have a choice in this too).  But you should never have to settle for less than what you desire.  I believe that we can have everything we desire.  It may not come in the fashion or form we imagine.  But if the desire is great and the intention is pure, somehow, someway, sometime it will arrive.  Don’t close yourself off.  Just try to be open to the many possibilities that you never even imagined.  You, hopefully, will be surprised and delighted in the ways that life can bring you joy.

Thanks for responding to my first post.  I really appreciate knowing that I’ve helped in some way 🙂

Again, Take Care and Many Blessings to You!!

Dawn

Hi Jeff,

I’m new to this website so  this is a first for me responding.  Hope I can be helpful.

I understand your frustration.  It’s difficult when you want more connection than your partner does.  When you’re willing to put more time, energy, and effort into your relationship than your partner does.  What do you do?  Even though I’m still currently married (although I don’t know for how much longer), I have experienced the same feelings of discontent, loneliness, lack of attention and validation from my partner.  I use to question how committed he was to our relationship given that he wasn’t giving the same amount of energy to “Us.”

After several years of “working” on our relationship, I finally  decided to start working on myself instead.  Instead of giving so much energy to my partner, I began giving to myself and exploring the things that contribute to my own happiness.  I have a good job which I enjoy.  So I began cultivating new friendships there.  My new friends have been able to provide a great deal of emotional support to help me figure out what I want from a partner.  I’m able to talk to them and get support from them in ways that I was unable to get from my spouse.

In addition to new friends, I began spending time and energy cultivating new hobbies that bring me joy and happiness.  I have always loved to dance.  So I learned a new one.  I started taking lessons and going out dancing with other people who share my passion.  I have met so many wonderful people and had so much fun that I wondered why I didn’t do this sooner.  I guess I wasnt ready before.  I have made so many great connections that it fills me up in ways that my partner never could.

I also have begun meditating and listening to positive podcasts, and You Tube videos/audios.  I’m trying to learn how to focus on the things I want in my life, rather than the things I don’t.  I’ve always been a more optimistic person, but these have helped me gain more clarity about how I want my life to be.  I am now dreaming and imagining a life that I want, rather than focusing on the life that I have, a result of all my previous thoughts and beliefs.  I am learning to spend more time and energy on the thoughts and things that bring me joy, and trying to leave all the rest behind.

I have kids too.  I don’t know how your relationship is with them.  I’m sure it must be challenging to see them every other weekend.  Do you communicate with them regularly?  You didn’t say how old they are.  But I know that time passes quickly and they won’t be in the house for long.  I can’t believe mine are teenagers and almost out of the house.  So I would recommend that you try to cultivate as best a relationship with them as you can given the distance between you.  What lessons do you want to teach your kids?  What kind of role model do you want to be for them?  What do you want them to learn about love and life?  How do you encourage them to become the best version of themselves?

ARE YOU THE BEST VERSION OF YOURSELF?  You can’t teach anyone else how to do that until you figure out how to do that for yourself.  And you’re never finished with yourself.  We’re all “works in progress.”  That’s the challenge and beauty of life.  You’re always given more opportunities to learn and grow and evolve.  To dream and imagine and do.  I hope that you will do this, if you haven’t been doing this recently.

I shared all of this with you, not to “figure out” your relationship, but to help you figure out  yourself.  A good relationship should feel healthy and expansive and joyful, rather than making you feel badly about yourself or doubtful and insecure.  And acutually, noone can “make you ” feel anything.  That’s why it’s so important to make yourself happy first.  You can only do that for yourself.  But if your girlfriend isn’t willing to put any of your needs ahead of her own, I don’t think that that’s the kind of girlfriend you want or deserve.  We all deserve to be loved and cared for in ways that make us feel special and important in someone else’s life.  And if your partner isn’t doing that for you and isn’t willing to make any changes, then maybe it’s time to look for someone else who will.

But while you’re looking for someone else, YOU have to do this for yourself FIRST.  Love yourself, care for yourself, find and do things that bring you happiness and joy.  FILL YOURSELF UP.  Because unless you’re full of your own love, you don’t have much to give to someone else.

Only you can answer if you should stay or go.  I always say try to resolve things if the relationship is worth it.  However, noone can create or maintain a relationship on their own.  It takes two.  So if your partner isn’t willing to do any work or put in much effort, that’s a big clue.  Good relationships take 100% effort from both partners.

I hope that this has given you some things to think about.  And I hope that I’ve encouraged you in some way.  We all deserve to have someone special in our lives.  But the most important person to ever do that for ourselves is MYSELF.  I hope that you fill yourself up and create much happiness and joy in your own life, with or without a girlfriend.

Take Care and Many Blessings to You!

Dawn