Forum Replies Created
January 21, 2023 at 6:18 pm #414191
Thanks for your post I appreciate the advice a lot!
I think it all comes from deep rooted loneliness to be honest, like my siblings have partners/are married, I only have a couple good friends who both have partners as well and I feel like a burden on all of them as I am the “single one” and basically outside of them I have no one.
I have been putting myself out there a lot & doing my best to flirt and attract people and pick/choose whose right & not right but I’ve always had this massive underlayer of loneliness that’s incredibly difficult for me to manage and I grapple between deleting dating apps for a break vs not deleting them because I can’t take myself off the market so to speak.
Maybe I need to just get off them a while & try find some sort of purpose on my ownJanuary 21, 2023 at 5:57 pm #414190
Thanks for your continued advice & responses, apologies for my delay in reply has been a tough week/month and just been going up and down.
In response to your posts, your analogy does make sense to me.
I think my parents sometimes see the emotions I may be going through or the disappointment I may be going through they really feel it & live it with me which I think it exacerbates the problem to a degree because it makes me feel a certain degree of pressure that is on top of what I already feel because I sort of feel like I am responsible for other peoples feelings as well and have to fake how I feel.January 17, 2023 at 5:49 pm #414015
When I say my parents are stress heads I mean that they are natural worriers about their kids/life in general and they so much want what’s best for me and my siblings that I guess they can be overly invested in our lives. I think they have natural levels of stress that’s probably been passed down to me as a product of them and I have had discussions with them about this.
Sometimes I find it difficult to express to them that sometimes how much they actually care is almost a bit suffocating as I feel like if I choose the wrong partner or make a wrong move ultimately I will let them down so I guess that adds a further layer of pressure in my mind I don’t need when I date someone as I should be just concerned with getting to know the girl not about what my parents will think or whether I will make the right decisions etcJanuary 17, 2023 at 5:42 pm #414014
Thank you for your response it’s greatly appreciated!
To answer your question, my father is not the alpha male type that I have grown up around socially. I think that alpha male type of impact has been largely a social thing for me.
Where I would say my family has impacted me is probably culturally, the expectation is like go to school -> get a job -> further study/university -> get a full time job -> get married/have kids etc etc so although there may not be direct pressure from my parents and they would support however long that process takes I think by default there is a lot of perceived pressure that if I don’t get all this sorted by a certain age or at the same time as my cousins/friends then I am letting my parents down or my family down. They don’t necessarily say things to place pressure on me but you can “feel” it’s there even from my wider family as well as I am the only single one also with all my cousins either engaged/married with kids or with a partner.
So in effect sometimes I feel rushed to find a partner and there is a battle between staying patient & trying to find someone quickly to release some pressure and end the loneliness I have.
There’s a lot of factors that probably go into it, the “alpha male” social impact, cultural pressure within my family & a lack of trust in myself which stems from repeat rejection to be honest.
I have never had a relationship but I have never had a girl openly say “I like you” or something to that effect so when interest is shown there’s always seeds of doubt in my head. For example what usually happens is all the signs will be there and then there is a sudden backflip which leaves me confused & unsure of how to approach these things differently in future.January 16, 2023 at 8:20 pm #413934
I apologise for my posts making you confused as I probably have explained it poorly.
I have definitely suffered from low self esteem/anxiety from when I was a child, I think what I was trying to say is that it wasn’t really until my young adult life that I really understood what those emotions were/where they came from.
Growing up around these groups definitely has made me question myself and my approach to life/dating as a result of rejections etc. I was the more quiet natured one within these groups & seeing these alpha male types have success with women and then on the flip side repeatedly getting rejections because of “no spark”, “no connection” etc or seeing girls go back to these alpha male types after rejecting them initially and me never getting second chances really has made me think that the way I am is not good enough to attract a spark within a girl.
It feels like as I said having things like a good family, stable career, good morals/values, being down to earth, making people comfortable/laugh & being laid back is still not enough to get a girl to take the chance on me.
Do you think that I need to be more alpha male or whatever the term is to maintain a girls interest, do women feel just a down to earth guy who seems stable is boring?
I feel pressure to sweep a woman off their feet straight away otherwise at the drop of a hat they’ll lose interest. Does it take time to develop feelings or should it be quick?
It’s probably confusing because I am at a point of thinking what else can I really do & I feel like giving upJanuary 16, 2023 at 5:09 pm #413928
Thanks again for your reply I appreciate your help!
I think it does ring true to a large extent. I think I never really “fit in” to this group I think I was in this group because growing up I was quite a good/successful sportsmen so I landed myself in that group as a result but I would say I was also a floater who spoke to everyone at school for example and found common ground with most people. So I think I was respected in this group purely because I was a nice guy end of the day.
In regards to bringing the female dynamic into this, I have always known deep down I am just down to earth/genuine but because of the group I am within and seeing them be successful at a bar/club or whatever with women that it planted a seed that I have to act more like this type of character to attract a woman.
With experience dating I know that I can’t attempt to be like the alpha male because it is not who I am but where I get confused is….just because I am not that typical “alpha” does not mean I am not manly or a “nice guy”, I have control of my life & am stable and I believe I am emotionally intelligent but a lot of rejections about having no spark etc have led me to believe I need to “play games” or whatever in order to keep a woman interested despite people such as my close friends partners telling not to do that & keep myself genuine and wear my heart on my sleeve as I usually do.
But I am starting to feel that this emotionally in tune side of me is weak to women or it doesn’t help ignite sparks or create attraction in me. I am not weak when I say emotionally in tune, what I mean is I am not afraid to show interest/express a feeling/listen to others/help those in need because I care. I am also levelheaded & not sporadic with my emotion despite the anxiety I have suffered. The anxiousness happens mostly when I am on my own in my own thoughts.
Basically the feeling is like this silly sort of analogy….I am like a book you pick up, read the blurb and the review and it looks pretty good nothing wrong with it at all, you start reading and have a good impression of the story but eventually it bores you and you put it down & never got back to it.January 15, 2023 at 8:31 pm #413891
Basically I think I have always had a degree of anxiety coming from my parents as they can be stress heads and probably for me mainly within large group settings I have in the past struggled to really “find my feet” and be comfortable in my own skin enough to just relax and be myself which stems from low self esteem.
I do not believe people would really ever think upon meeting me that I have suffered from those type of things but I guess if I can explain it best it would be that I grew up around a very “alpha male” type of group and within sporting environments where sort of oneupmanship was a theme and a “boys club” type of vibe. Me personally I would describe as an introverted extrovert, like an onion type of analogy you have to peal back the layers to get to know me more and more but I am not necessarily shy I just need to warm up/get comfortable. I don’t think this really fit in with these types of groups even though I was respected by pretty much the whole group.
I think entering into adult life and throwing women into the mix of this dynamic perpetuated my anxiety & worsened my self esteem as the narrative in my head has become “you have to be an alpha male type” to get the girl otherwise eventually just being my natural down to earth laidback self will be too boring. So therefore because of this I struggled to really feel comfortable to be myself early on in dating but now it has changed.
I still have those thoughts and when things like this happen that’s sort of the line of thinking I instantly revert back to but I always try to be myself no matter what & I realise this opens me up to feel rejection quite heavily & self doubt ensues.
Where I am at now after the latest disappointment is basically even when you match values, future outlook, common interests etc etc and the boxes on both sides are being ticked it seems that I am not ultimately worth the effort for a girl to really seriously pursue. they don’t have a bad opinion of me, I think its the opposite but I am starting to believe whilst I may be thought of as a good guy, I am not quite good enough. Yes, maybe I haven’t met the right girl but I feel like for literally none of the women I have dated to really ever mention they even half like me in that way makes it hard to believe that will just change.January 15, 2023 at 7:25 pm #413886
I want to just move on from this girl but it’s hard because I know there was at least something and it was just completely out of the blue and I know from experience that it’s pretty much dead in the water & to be honest I don’t want to risk putting myself out there again as much as I want a partner just for the same thing to happen and they don’t feel a connection to me. I don’t know whether I am supposed to go faster or slower, whether I need to physically escalate faster etc etc.
Basically feels like being down to earth, pretty much easy going in nature, having a stable job/family, being fit/healthy & having basic good morals/values is still not enough for someone to take a chance on me, what is it that I missing?
Oh I should of been more clear, the trip was just like a 4 day trip interstate with my best friend and his girlfriend which was pre-planned prior to meeting this girl. She had said she felt completely like herself around me and was more than happy to continue seeing me when I got back etc etc, affection was there. The only real sign of her going cold was when she ultimately mentioned it and I was a bit like to myself “what happened in 3/4 days”. I don’t regret reaching out after giving it a few weeks to breath to tell her that basically I think she’s a great girl whose worth the effort to get to know better if she’d ever be open to it again. I didn’t do it in a desperate way, I just told her what I thought of her (ie good values, good outlook on the future like my own, kind) & that it would be a shame given we were both comfortable etc to not get to know her better so I just said there’d be no pressure other than getting to know each other better & if she wasn’t into the idea ultimately I’d respect it. So without saying exactly what I said that was the gist of it so I hope even though she just reiterated what she had said to me previously I hope she still would have a good impression of me & know I was genuine & had right intention.
My work is busy but I am lucky where I am that it has the right amount of work/life balance and I tend to start earlier in the day if I am going to have a long day so I don’t get home late, and I would make the effort to spend time with a partner as they would ultimately be my priority.
I was only using Hinge which I just deleted, tinder & bumble I didn’t like for different reasons. Tinder wasn’t really my vibe & Bumble I really had no success so I just thought I’d pick one and stick to that so I picked Hinge.
I think before I deleted Hinge just the other day I had about 180ish matches over the course of last year when I had re-downloaded it. Usually the match doesn’t reply after a couple messages or if I happen to get into decent conversation with them I take it off the app & it might progress to a date from there. I can tell more so now with experience which girls I would be keen to meet pretty early on & I have been told that I come across the same in person as I do via message which they say is easy going/nice/good to talk to but maybe slightly quieter natured but not in a bad way.
Like I don’t doubt these women think I am a good person/nice to talk to etc etc, I can’t really remember any dating experiences having ended on bad terms to be honest as I may have mentioned I typically just accept things and don’t burn bridges particularly if I happened to like the girl just in the hope it might change sometimes but that’s wishful thinking in pretty much all cases from my experience as I have never had a girl really change their mind or get back in contact unless I randomly make it happen.
It sounds like I get friend zoned a lot, which is probably true but I don’t even think it is specifically “friend zoned” because if I am/was interested in a girl & that conversation comes up I usually just respect what they say but don’t really entertain the idea of really growing a friendship but I’ve definitely talked to girls I have dated from time to time on social media months after we’ve dated but they are very brief exchanges and I would not say we are “friends”.
This might not make sense but it feels like I am pretty much in-between a friend and a romantic connection. Like I think people see potential in me as a partner & more than a friend & I have been described by girls as someone they’d take home to their parents but then there’s not enough of a connection or spark for them to put in the effort to get to know me better on a deeper level or be patient even when things are going really well & there’s really no need not to explore something. I understand you can’t force a connection and I would never do that but gee it feels like I tick boxes but there’s one I don’t tick and that is basically what stops everything.
Now I am utterly confused, exhausted and drained as to how I am supposed to go about it anymore. I should be myself which I try to do but it feels like ultimately I’m really not worth the extra effort for a girl.January 15, 2023 at 3:12 pm #413880
Thanks for your response I appreciate it greatly.
I did make the decision over the last few days to delete my dating app accounts after this latest rejection as I think I need time not so much to get over it or “to find myself” but more so as a break from dating as I was going on the app and for example didn’t feel any urge at all to message anyone new/swipe on anyone new just because I feel a bit scared to fully let myself out there again.I am the type that wears my heart on my sleeve so I probably feel the weight of rejection a lot heavier in some cases.
Unfortunately because of family/work I can’t move away from where I am now, I have been making a conscious effort on being myself more and more in these situations but the feeling is very much like me being myself is good enough for 5/6 dates but nothing beyond that as that is usually when it stops.
I am not afraid to say to a girl how I feel or what I want etc, I am always conscious of the vibe & consider things like not putting pressure on the girl/communicating with them so I think my approach is relatively ok but I am questioning it a fair bit now like I need to like “make moves” be more “smooth” etc to try find some sort of extra edge.
It’s like I am good enough to get some repeated dates with a girl but ultimately they never see me worth long termJanuary 15, 2023 at 3:04 pm #413879
Thanks for your response much appreciated!
I would say that the grooming of myself is not the issue as I have been raised to always present myself well in that regard – not in a superficial/self-centred way but in a “take pride in the way you present” way so I don’t believe that’s a problem as I am often complimented for the way I dress/smell/appearance.
I can definitely improve areas such as continually working on my self esteem/self worth & trying to not take it as personally as I do sometimes it’s just beaten me down over a long period of time I guessJanuary 15, 2023 at 2:58 pm #413878
Appreciate your response greatly!
I have been seeing a therapist for a while now when I realised the extent of the anxiety/low self esteem & instead of suppressing it I have decided to tackle it head on & I have come a long way. It has changed from things like “what did I do wrong”, “what is it about me etc” to now knowing deep down I have all the attributes to make a good partner & that I am a good person but it just feels like there is indeed something missing as all that good stuff (ie genuine, down to earth, stable career/family life, fit/healthy) does not seem enough for people to pursue past a given point.
As far as the people I have dated, it has been a mixed bag as generally I give people a chance. I definitely think those that are early 20s probably don’t look for/value those things and are more superficial (which at that age I don’t expect them to have figured out what they want).
This last girl I dated in particular felt like it had all the makings of something good. Same age, same upbringing, same morals/values, agreed on our outlook for the future, laugh a lot together, both were affectionate with each other (apart from being fully intimate together – this I prefer to take slow when it’s someone of potential), she had said to me she felt completely comfortable & fully like herself around me. In the week leading up to her telling me her feelings hadn’t progress enough as they should have by that stage she had been calling me out of the blue to see how I was, she reciprocated that she wanted to continue hanging out/seeing me then 4 days later she said that. I accepted it as there’s not much else I can do & I was away on a trip for a week so I thought I’d give myself time when I’m back to look at it properly before acting on anything else. I thought she was worth the effort given the connection to tell her what I thought of her in the hope it might do something (even though realistically I knew it wouldn’t), she sort of just reiterated the same thing “I think you’re a great guy but…”.
This situation is symptomatic of what happens to me, I would say though 90% of the time when I sit back and look at the different situations I can admit it was coming or understand the “no spark” etc. This case here there was really no sign of that until she told me & I’m confident I did everything I could in the most genuine way possible it’s just got to a point now where I am starting to believe maybe it’s something about me that I am missing something that evokes some spark in a girl beyond thinking I’m a good guy.
I am unsure how to change my luck from “you’re a great guy who ticks the boxes but no spark” to having that spark, when you hear it enough you go from thinking about it from a point of view that “they just weren’t the right one” to well hang on maybe I am like too down to earth for my own good that I’m not actually attractive.