Hi anita

Thanks for your continued advice & responses, apologies for my delay in reply has been a tough week/month and just been going up and down.

In response to your posts, your analogy does make sense to me.

I think my parents sometimes see the emotions I may be going through or the disappointment I may be going through they really feel it & live it with me which I think it exacerbates the problem to a degree because it makes me feel a certain degree of pressure that is on top of what I already feel because I sort of feel like I am responsible for other peoples feelings as well and have to fake how I feel.

Hi Tee,

Thank you for your response it’s greatly appreciated!

To answer your question, my father is not the alpha male type that I have grown up around socially. I think that alpha male type of impact has been largely a social thing for me.

Where I would say my family has impacted me is probably culturally, the expectation is like go to school -> get a job -> further study/university -> get a full time job -> get married/have kids etc etc so although there may not be direct pressure from my parents and they would support however long that process takes I think by default there is a lot of perceived pressure that if I don’t get all this sorted by a certain age or at the same time as my cousins/friends then I am letting my parents down or my family down. They don’t necessarily say things to place pressure on me but you can “feel” it’s there even from my wider family as well as I am the only single one also with all my cousins either engaged/married with kids or with a partner.

So in effect sometimes I feel rushed to find a partner and there is a battle between staying patient & trying to find someone quickly to release some pressure and end the loneliness I have.

There’s a lot of factors that probably go into it, the “alpha male” social impact, cultural pressure within my family & a lack of trust in myself which stems from repeat rejection to be honest.

I have never had a relationship but I have never had a girl openly say “I like you” or something to that effect so when interest is shown there’s always seeds of doubt in my head. For example what usually happens is all the signs will be there and then there is a sudden backflip which leaves me confused & unsure of how to approach these things differently in future.

Hi Anita

Thanks again for your reply I appreciate your help!

I think it does ring true to a large extent. I think I never really “fit in” to this group I think I was in this group because growing up I was quite a good/successful sportsmen so I landed myself in that group as a result but I would say I was also a floater who spoke to everyone at school for example and found common ground with most people. So I think I was respected in this group purely because I was a nice guy end of the day.

In regards to bringing the female dynamic into this, I have always known deep down I am just down to earth/genuine but because of the group I am within and seeing them be successful at a bar/club or whatever with women that it planted a seed that I have to act more like this type of character to attract a woman.

With experience dating I know that I can’t attempt to be like the alpha male because it is not who I am but where I get confused is….just because I am not that typical “alpha” does not mean I am not manly or a “nice guy”, I have control of my life & am stable and I believe I am emotionally intelligent but a lot of rejections about having no spark etc have led me to believe I need to “play games” or whatever in order to keep a woman interested despite people such as my close friends partners telling not to do that & keep myself genuine and wear my heart on my sleeve as I usually do.

But I am starting to feel that this emotionally in tune side of me is weak to women or it doesn’t help ignite sparks or create attraction in me. I am not weak when I say emotionally in tune, what I mean is I am not afraid to show interest/express a feeling/listen to others/help those in need because I care. I am also levelheaded & not sporadic with my emotion despite the anxiety I have suffered. The anxiousness happens mostly when I am on my own in my own thoughts.

Basically the feeling is like this silly sort of analogy….I am like a book you pick up, read the blurb and the review and it looks pretty good nothing wrong with it at all, you start reading and have a good impression of the story but eventually it bores you and you put it down & never got back to it.

Hi Helcat

I want to just move on from this girl but it’s hard because I know there was at least something and it was just completely out of the blue and I know from experience that it’s pretty much dead in the water & to be honest I don’t want to risk putting myself out there again as much as I want a partner just for the same thing to happen and they don’t feel a connection to me. I don’t know whether I am supposed to go faster or slower, whether I need to physically escalate faster etc etc.

Basically feels like being down to earth, pretty much easy going in nature, having a stable job/family, being fit/healthy & having basic good morals/values is still not enough for someone to take a chance on me, what is it that I missing?

Oh I should of been more clear, the trip was just like a 4 day trip interstate with my best friend and his girlfriend which was pre-planned prior to meeting this girl. She had said she felt completely like herself around me and was more than happy to continue seeing me when I got back etc etc, affection was there. The only real sign of her going cold was when she ultimately mentioned it and I was a bit like to myself “what happened in 3/4 days”. I don’t regret reaching out after giving it a few weeks to breath to tell her that basically I think she’s a great girl whose worth the effort to get to know better if she’d ever be open to it again. I didn’t do it in a desperate way, I just told her what I thought of her (ie good values, good outlook on the future like my own, kind) & that it would be a shame given we were both comfortable etc to not get to know her better so I just said there’d be no pressure other than getting to know each other better & if she wasn’t into the idea ultimately I’d respect it. So without saying exactly what I said that was the gist of it so I hope even though she just reiterated what she had said to me previously I hope she still would have a good impression of me & know I was genuine & had right intention.

My work is busy but I am lucky where I am that it has the right amount of work/life balance and I tend to start earlier in the day if I am going to have a long day so I don’t get home late, and I would make the effort to spend time with a partner as they would ultimately be my priority.

I was only using Hinge which I just deleted, tinder & bumble I didn’t like for different reasons. Tinder wasn’t really my vibe & Bumble I really had no success so I just thought I’d pick one and stick to that so I picked Hinge.

I think before I deleted Hinge just the other day I had about 180ish matches over the course of last year when I had re-downloaded it. Usually the match doesn’t reply after a couple messages or if I happen to get into decent conversation with them I take it off the app & it might progress to a date from there. I can tell more so now with experience which girls I would be keen to meet pretty early on & I have been told that I come across the same in person as I do via message which they say is easy going/nice/good to talk to but maybe slightly quieter natured but not in a bad way.

Like I don’t doubt these women think I am a good person/nice to talk to etc etc, I can’t really remember any dating experiences having ended on bad terms to be honest as I may have mentioned I typically just accept things and don’t burn bridges particularly if I happened to like the girl just in the hope it might change sometimes but that’s wishful thinking in pretty much all cases from my experience as I have never had a girl really change their mind or get back in contact unless I randomly make it happen.

It sounds like I get friend zoned a lot, which is probably true but I don’t even think it is specifically “friend zoned” because if I am/was interested in a girl & that conversation comes up I usually just respect what they say but don’t really entertain the idea of really growing a friendship but I’ve definitely talked to girls I have dated from time to time on social media months after we’ve dated but they are very brief exchanges and I would not say we are “friends”.

This might not make sense but it feels like I am pretty much in-between a friend and a romantic connection. Like I think people see potential in me as a partner & more than a friend & I have been described by girls as someone they’d take home to their parents but then there’s not enough of a connection or spark for them to put in the effort to get to know me better on a deeper level or be patient even when things are going really well & there’s really no need not to explore something. I understand you can’t force a connection and I would never do that but gee it feels like I tick boxes but there’s one I don’t tick and that is basically what stops everything.

Now I am utterly confused, exhausted and drained as to how I am supposed to go about it anymore. I should be myself which I try to do but it feels like ultimately I’m really not worth the extra effort for a girl.

Hi Anita,

Thanks for your response much appreciated!

I would say that the grooming of myself is not the issue as I have been raised to always present myself well in that regard – not in a superficial/self-centred way but in a “take pride in the way you present” way so I don’t believe that’s a problem as I am often complimented for the way I dress/smell/appearance.

I can definitely improve areas such as continually working on my self esteem/self worth & trying to not take it as personally as I do sometimes it’s just beaten me down over a long period of time I guess