Dear anita,

I think it was a misunderstanding, I did never say that a forum could replace a therapy. I was just genuinely wondering, because for me it seems you use some professional methods. You are doing a lot for this community and your dedication shows you are a very kind-hearted person. Wish you all good in life!

DeJana

Thank you, anita

I see what you mean with „harsh and blunt“. I choose the wrong words with the point of exaggerating my expression (do you know what the term for this in literature is called in English?). I agree with what you wrote.
He does not give his criticism in a rude way. In fact this is the way a lot of articles advice for: give your opinion, explain why you think like that, how does it make you feel. He does it calmly, explaining himself. But unasked and way too often. And I don’t agree with it because I have different values.

He does value human emotions, of course the post I wrote is just a Fragment of his personality. For example he offers emotional support for a few friends with addiction. He seems to be the only person some of those people can talk freely to and when someone relapses or doesn’t answer calls for a long time my boyfriend gets very sad and concerned. He can be the one person to call at 2 am to save you and he will be there and do his best.

I completely agree with you on the part with the kids. How confusing will it be to them to have this and that upbringing at the same time? And I fear his criticism when he disagrees about upbringing, I don’t want my children to witness me as a weak woman.

May I ask, anita, are you a professional? It is great you are active here for so long and I hope it brings you joy and retrospection for your life too. One of the best things in life is to get to know others, it is what I like about working in a hospital. To get to know people I would otherwise never meet. People are wonderful.

I find it interesting when reading other post you answered that you use some methods like paraphrasing the persons statements. On the other side you don’t leave you posts with open question, but give your straightforward opinion, which I find untypical for a therapist.

• This reply was modified 3 years, 3 months ago by DeJana.

Yes, I think it is not the one or the other. I had thought a lot about the topic of criticism. From this relationship I learned to value criticism a lot. It is important for me now to look for the people who can be blunt and harsh to me when needed, because sometimes we need to get things said and friends are often way too polite in order to keep peace and don’t hurt feelings. Every person reacts to criticism negatively, often in defensive manner. But we should know to listen to the constructive criticism given to us and people who care to give it are important.
So I am thankful to my boyfriend, because he indeed taught me important things, gave me some very good advices. Really.
I learned to ask bluntly for feedback and advice, something I never did before. Small stuff like asking a good friend for a feedback how does my apartment smell. Or why do I failed an exam and what should I do differently. I asked my new boss if she can give me feedback of my work, because she never praised or criticized me. Or even asking my parents if I should break up with my boyfriend.
It is way easier than guessing people’s thoughts. I do it the opposite way too now. I told a good friend of mine who was single that she had bad breath often. I tried to be as discreet as possible and needed a lot of strength to do it. She thanked me later. And has a new boyfriend now, maybe fixing this issue has a finger in it? I told an colleague that she makes certain mistakes after I heard some other people at work gossiping about her, but not giving her any feedback.
And I wish to be told those things too, directly.
But the way my boyfriend criticizes in everyday life is not healthy and I tried communicating this very often. He believes, especially dealing with household and material things, to have found the right way. Example:  he has a philosophy of not having a scratch on his car and keeping it pristine clean. I have a philosophy of being comfortable. Once we were on the beach. He did not let me sit comfortable of play with the sand, because there will be sand in the car afterwards. Before I enter the car I should control the folds of my clothes for sand. The sand is made of small particles which in a microscopic way damage the seats of the car. Those particles get everywhere. This microscopic damage accumulates with time.
My philosophy is: I go and play in the sand and don’t care. Before I go in the car I remove visible sand from towels and clothes quickly. If there is sand in the car I vacuum it later. Done. And if microscopic damage accumulated with time, which happens with almost everything, I don’t care much too. I just don’t notice those things or when I do they don’t bother me. I don’t expect my car to look new after five years.

I want to show we have different philosophies. A lot of his critique goes in this direction. I don’t agree with his philosophy and don’t want to be told how to do things of which I already have an opinion. He says he spend a lot of time thinking about developing strategies to not damage objects and keep stuff clean. This, in his eyes, gives him right to criticize me, because I don’t seem to think about that stuff at all. I tell him that not thinking about this stuff is also an opinion. We just disagree.

I see how much this person loves me. I see his eyes glow when I am there. He tells me I am the one for him, he wants to have children. He believes we will find a solution to those problems. He agrees that his hoarding bothers me and tells me he will deal with it. And I decided to give it a try and move in with him. Well, It has been ten months and things don’t seem to change. I am tired and feel uncomfortable at home.
I don’t want to loose him, but I am unhappy and feel stuck.

Something bad happened to me last year and I got confronted with my mortality for the first time. I spent months in the worst mental state I was ever in my life.

Now I feel impatient and not ready to compromise with who I am. I feel so strongly that there is just one chance to live and I want to be myself. I put a lot more effort in my friendships and family, think a lot more of who and what matters in my life.
The conflict with my boyfriend is that he matters to me and that I matter to him. But living together does not make me shine but willow. Or he makes me shine just when we have some distance.

• This reply was modified 3 years, 3 months ago by DeJana.

Dear Anita

Thank you for your advice. The problem is I see this behavior of him with other people too, which makes me believe that maybe the issue is not just with me.
His relationship with his mother is strange. They seem to criticize each other the whole time. He constantly fixes stuff in her home or gives unasked advice. His mom seems very defensive. She brought her car to be repaired in a service, although my boyfriend enjoys repairing cars. This made him very upset, but I do understand her. I always hide stuff from him. An example: the drain in the kitchen got clogged. The last time it got clogged we had a huge fight, because he started lecturing me about how I don’t use enough water to wash the dishes. Of course it is just my fault, because he never washes the dishes. Like, not a single time since we live together. But I think I do my share and try not to clog the drain. But it happens, it is an old house and the neighbors complain of the issue too. So after half an year the drain was clogged again. I panicked and tried to fix it alone not so much because of the drain but in fear of his critique when he comes back. I really get very anxious telling him stuff like that.
I hide how much a particular thing costed, even if if I bought it with my money. I even started hiding a job I do two days a month, because he won’t like it.
And I see the same with his mom. She avoids asking for his help, keeps him in distance, doesn’t share her emotional issues and vents about him to me.
Another situation: a cousin and good friend of him has depression. He lectured her about half an hour or longer how she hast to cycle to work and this will help her depression. She says she doesn’t enjoy cycling in a big city because she is afraid of the traffic. Then he continues a loud monologue about how good cycling is, how she should stand against her fears. He means good, but I just looked at his cousin there, sitting, feeing extremely uncomfortable and small and not saying a word anymore. I think he made her feel a lot worse. It was not a conversation but him lecturing her for a long time in front of me.
I noticed his cousin felt a lot better spending time with me. We cooked together, went exploring the city, talked. I think she felt accepted and comfortable. And I believe this is what makes people gain strength and push themselves, knowing that someone’s likes them as they are, you are more comfortable to grow as under criticism.

I tried communicating how his critique feels to me. He answered that he is trying and he doesn’t even say half of the things that bother him. If this is his trying I don’t feel good about it.
It lead to the next problem and the same I had in the previous relationship. When I share my fears and emotional burdens with a man, he starts trying to fix me. The relationship gets a parent-child dynamic. How do I solve this problem in relationships? I don’t want to be fixed. I want to be accepted, to have a base, that let’s me grow.
I don’t believe my issues are so unique, every person has some baggage.

Thank you, Anita!

F. has being doing therapy for a long time and very intense. And he has been working on a lot of stuff over himself too. I agree he got better in dealing with anger during the time I know him and often he apologizes to me after a fight for being too angry.

I can also openly tell him what I find wrong with him and he often listens. But when I talk to him it is about psychological stuff: my fears, his fears, development. Even though he also agrees that we should focus on more positive stuff. Sometimes it is really nice indeed.

And I did a lot wrong in that relationship too – I am more of a loner and ignore people sometimes, it is also not nice.

I`ve tried to explain to him that for me it is normal not to answer messages regularly and share everything on social media- it stesses me out. He needs a lot more attention then I do.

But in his therapy he is focusing on organisational skills and self-esteem.  And even after he apologized it does not mean that it didnt suck the life out of me.

I remember once we went hiking together. He got so angry on the way, because no car stopped and apperently we didnt pick the right rode(we wanted to hitchhike) so we had to walk. For an hour we walked in front of me and didnt talk. Even when we reached our goal and he relaxed my time was still ruined