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Stay or leave a relationship? Feel disgused with myself

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  • #166510
    DeJana
    Participant

    Dear fellow people,

    I am seeking your advice here on a situation that makes me rethink live. I apologise for my mistakes, as I am not a native English speaker. And I thank you for helping me and for your time!

    I feel disgusted with myself for ending a relationship of two years, what my partner describes as giving up.

    We lived together for half an year in an one room apartment which lead to a lot of stress. I moved out on my own before two months and since then I feel a lot better and relaxed.

    My partner, lets call him F., thinks it is good to have some distance now (not living together, but the town is small and we still live 10 minutes apart) ,but we should analyse where the relationship cracked and work on it and that with time we can grow strong together. He wrote pages on the relationship, analysing and concluding that it fell apart because we moved in that one room apartment together (he is studying psychology) He says my wish to break up is because I am traumatised of the experience and driven by fear, being way to pessimistic about us.

     

    I myself dont know what is right or wrong and that is why I am seeking an advice here.

    1. is a lonely person, with no family support, which makes him feel afraid of loneliness. He is very emotional and I find him quite unstable. Other people also find him strange in the way of not noticing the boundaries of others. Thats why people reject him often.

     

    An example: After I moved out he started seeking a room in a shared flat (typical living situation of students here). He complains not being able to live alone, being sleepless in the apartment as it brings memories of me. But not being able to live alone is not something caused by me and I find it unhealthy. He says he cant live alone as it reminds him of living together with his mother, who was silent and not affectionate. So he HAS to live with other people. He looks for a room with others, but I suppose as people notice he has this nervous, active personality he gets rejected even from people who know him and have similar interests with him, as they prefer sharing their living space with someone more “normal”  and comfortable (there are a lot people applying for a room here, so they really have a big choice)

     

    There was also a lot of fights between us. The following situation led to me moving out. I was invited at a party and F. was supposed to come later. I thought he will write me a message so I kept my phone close (he didn’t know the address). He called me instead and asked why I didn’t write a note with the address, as I was supposed to. I said I taught he will message me when he is back home (he knew which street it is), a small misunderstanding and then I told him the number. After 10 min he calles me back yelling: why am I so stupid not to know he will forget the number when I tell him on the phone (the number is 45, not long) ,why didn’t I write him a message, I should sit and meditate over my communication skills. I canceled the conversation and he continued writing me messages in the same tone and saying I am doing that because I don’t want him there. At the end he said that if I don’t apologize he will put my stuff out on the street. I got angry, went there, packed some stuff and moved out to a friend of mine, before finding a room on my own.

     

    I am a 22 y.o. good-looking female and for me it is not hard finding a partner. But I dont have a lot of friends and I am more on the introverted side- in opposite to F. I feel the best living alone.

     

    As I find that relationship exhausting I broke up with him. He then says that I am doing exactly as the others- being comfortable and I should really wait to see how the relationship turns out now as we dont live together in the extremely small flat anymore and we know each other so good to know where the flaws of the other person are.

     

    What bothers me most is the energy F. put in this relationship. How much he worked analysing and even in the times when I was extremely down he tried to ¨develop¨ me to fight against my fears, always told me I have to talk with a therapist. In a lot of ways he is a lovely person and I feel so disgusting leaving him and telling him that I can imagine being a good friend of him, but I dont feel I want a relationship. And I really do mean it, because I don’t want him out of my life

     

    What I also dont like in the relationship is is the fact we are not equal. He always tries teaching me what the right thing to do is and as he is also way more emotional then me I tend to hide feelings and not make decisions(and he wants me to) as I often fear his reactions which are way beyond mine and which i sometimes dont understand(he is a lot more sensitive than I am)

     

    I am myself not sure. Maybe I should hold on him, as he puts so much effort, is lovely and loyal and really wants to be with me. And maybe he is right that I am way to pessimistic.

    On the other side I am young and there are a lot of fish in the sea-as bad as it sounds…and maybe there is a person out there who is more stable, also wants to be with me and I feel more comfortable with him… I met a guy recently and I dated him for one day, he was very interesting…

     

    I was never in a relationship that long before. One says relationships are hard work, but I don’t know when it starts being unhealthy and when is it worth it going further?

     

    My father advices me to leave the relationship, but my father doesnt know F. and was already once divorced, often telling me because he accepted too much.

    My friends are mostly single and not living in the same town, so the cant be very objective, even if they are ready to listen to me at 2 a.m.

    • This topic was modified 6 years, 7 months ago by DeJana.
    #166520
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Diyana Zlanatova:

    You wrote: “One says relationships are hard work, but I don’t know when it starts being unhealthy and when is it worth it going further?”-

    The relationship you described with F has been unhealthy because the hard work he is doing is not about what is wrong with his own thinking and his own behaving but with yours. His analysis is about what you are doing wrong and what you should do to fix it.

    You wrote: “He says my wish to break up is because I am traumatised of the experience and driven by fear, being way to pessimistic about us” and he tried “to ‘develop’ (you) to fight against (your) fears…(you) should meditate over (your) communication skills”-

    He is not confronting his own fears about living alone, does he? And he is not working on his communication skills.

    It is an unhealthy relationship because he is not looking at himself.

    Adding to this, it is abusive to call you “stupid not to know he will forget the number…” and to threaten to put your stuff out on the street.

    It is clear to me that this relationship has been unhealthy and that it is impossible for any woman to have a healthy relationship with F.

    anita

    #166538
    DeJana
    Participant

    Thank you, Anita!

    F. has being doing therapy for a long time and very intense. And he has been working on a lot of stuff over himself too. I agree he got better in dealing with anger during the time I know him and often he apologizes to me after a fight for being too angry.

    I can also openly tell him what I find wrong with him and he often listens. But when I talk to him it is about psychological stuff: my fears, his fears, development. Even though he also agrees that we should focus on more positive stuff. Sometimes it is really nice indeed.

    And I did a lot wrong in that relationship too – I am more of a loner and ignore people sometimes, it is also not nice.

    I`ve tried to explain to him that for me it is normal not to answer messages regularly and share everything on social media- it stesses me out. He needs a lot more attention then I do.

    But in his therapy he is focusing on organisational skills and self-esteem.  And even after he apologized it does not mean that it didnt suck the life out of me.

    I remember once we went hiking together. He got so angry on the way, because no car stopped and apperently we didnt pick the right rode(we wanted to hitchhike) so we had to walk. For an hour we walked in front of me and didnt talk. Even when we reached our goal and he relaxed my time was still ruined

     

     

    #166542
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Diyana Zlanatova:

    It is a good thing that he is attending therapy and I hope it is indeed helping him. Unfortunately, he needs a whole lot more help and more work. According to your original post he does focus on you being the faulty party to the relationship, and calling you stupid, then threatening to put your stuff out is troubling. His intense anger, described in both posts, is troubling.

    You wrote: “I did a lot wrong in that relationship too – I am more of a loner and ignore people sometimes, it is also not nice”-

    you are not perfect, I have no doubt. No human is. If you were as perfect as can be, in a relationship with him, he would still have the troubles he is having. If you were perfect, you wouldn’t be in a relationship with him, I am thinking, because you would know it is not good for you.

    The parts in the relationship that make sense, the sensible moments of insight and good work, those were good moments. Unfortunately, those moments in time are surrounded by a lot of bad moments, no-sense moments, unhealthy moments and lots of them, as I understand the situation.

    People often think that unless they are perfect, they cannot be certain that a relationship is bad for them. Problem with this thinking is that people can never be perfect. And so, by this illogic, a person can never evaluate a relationship to be unhealthy.

    anita

    #166606
    Eliana
    Participant

    Hi DeJana,

    Wow, this man is emotionally exhausting and draining. I am glad you left. I don’t know if his fears of loneliness, and rejection issues started in childhood, but he is toxic and it is an unhealthy relationship. He is studying Psychology, so in a way, it makes him feel superior in some odd way, thus his constant “over thinking” and analyzing. He doesn’t want to “fix” himself or resolve his issues, so he wants to “fix” you and others, thereby alienating people. Until he gets these issues resolved, I would not have any contact with him. If you were to go back to him, things, would remain the same and get worse.

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