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  • in reply to: Family strife #185285
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    Participant

    Hello Marco,

    I really feel for you, and can empathise with how horrible and impossible a situation this is.   That said, I cannot praise you enough regarding your immediate stance not to accept the exclusion of your wife from family gatherings.  You are a minority gentleman in my opinion.

    I can’t offer very much advice I’m afraid, though I find myself in a similar situation with my partners adult (24 year old), son so I can empathise if nothing else.  My partner unfortunately accepts his sons demands to exclude me, and I feel very hurt daily.   Only just today we were laughing together so hard our tummy’s hurt…..and then the regular call came through which ended the laughter abruptly and sent him scurrying upstairs to chat in private while I sat on the same spot with my tummy now sank to the bleeding floor, (I get angry at being excluded and silenced by his daily torture calls).  Please don’t end up where we are!

    I searched “family problem solving” help :/ pathetic eh.  I found advise that asked you to visualise what your ideal outcome would be, and act only in ways that would enable reaching that goal.  Don’t get caught up in an emotional or blame game.  And don’t ever belittle what you and your wife/direct family are going through within your home due to this.  If someone had asked me for advice on how to deal with this situation I would have advised them not to be so wrapped up or involved inside such a negative situation.  I would probably have suggested that they be glad not to have to communicate with such bad minded people and to see this as a result.  But this isn’t such an easy one is it? I would never have considered how much this would evoke feelings, or how there is no real moving on or away from the problem.   Left, this will affect so so many situations.  Very sad.

    I initially advised my partner to somewhat belittle his adult sons request to exclude me from any future get togethers.  I suggested he tell him in a light easy manner that he should call as soon as he was in a better mood.  Or…tell him he was sad that he felt this way, and that he hoped he would change his mind as he’d miss him dearly, (we had just moved in together after 4 years of being a couple).  That our door would always be open and we hoped he’d change his mind, but attempts at separating a couple for every visit was unreasonable and simply wouldn’t work.  I’ll never be sure but I feel what he did….plead and begged him to like me…..only made matters much much worse.  Don’t do that, it likely won’t help. :/.   In my case I believe the problem stems from deep rooted jealousy.  As a single father, my partner was much more available, generous and giving, (4/5 holidays per year and lots of cash on tap in exchange for company).  I suggest you try to figure out what the real cause for your sisters disapproval is, and handle this delicately with the aim to fix it.

    Your sisters seem to be behaving like a little pack.  Try to speak calmly with them individually and maybe ask them how they would feel if you were doing this to them in a reversed situation?   Their attitude, or dislike seems to have been a growing problem over time?  It will no doubt take time to undo this.  I can’t see any easy fix I’m afraid.   Keep things positive with the family members who do accept your wife and you together though.  Focus on maintaining that.  Hopefully soon your sisters will realise that only they are missing out through their own bad choices.

    Lastly always understand how your wife is feeling, and know that no matter how strong she acts, this is an attack on her self esteem.   Speak to her honestly about how you feel.  Trust her to understand and give you her advice.  Child or adult, it’s never nice to be so publicly excluded and disliked within a family.   Most especially if you feel it’s unfounded and very unfair.  Tell her not to be like me and grow resentful and angry. I’ve changed and it’s ugly.  I hope she can stay true to herself.  I’m afraid frustration has gotten the better of me now.

    I wish you and your family all the very best, and the outcome you hope for yourselves.

     

    Below is a link that somewhat brought me to your post! Maybe it will help.

    25 Questions to Help Solve Problems That Seem Insurmountable

    in reply to: Am I the abuser :/ #118617
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    Participant

    Peter thank you so very much for taking the time to write this reply.
    “When I read your post, between the lines, I heard a longing for authentic relationship with another and so it is my intention that the following quotes might help you use this experience as a doorway to becoming” this is very true. I will read the books you suggest might help. Thank you again.

    Anita thank you so much also for again taking the time to reply. It does feel as if I’m on my own and up against all of them. I can’t understand why on earth they would be so interested. Or why I ended up getting so involved with defending myself part and not seeing it for what it is. Downright unacceptable behaviour from all of us

    in reply to: Am I the abuser :/ #118602
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    Participant

    Ashley every one of your points is so valid. I know I will struggle to ever feel safe and trust this man. I don’t feel I deserve such lack of concern. And in my head I know these people don’t dislike me for nothing. I believe he tells them how sad he is but omits the part where his sadness is because he’s walked out on us again to avoid being honest or decent. One of his sons is not so involved and came to visit recently. We had a lovely time together. It saddens me as this could be what it’s like with all of our family if we could just stop the hurt and lies. I really can’t blame them as I have called (and he takes my calls in front of them ha) so they’ve heard me upset and wholly frustrated at my partner. I don’t help myself and I most definitely can be a nag! Id hate to have to listen to me on a rant.

    in reply to: Am I the abuser :/ #118601
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    Participant

    I remember when we met he told me his ex was his best friend. I told him I understood his situation and it wouldn’t bother me as I was very much still friendly with my ex and infsct was happy to be honest and say I cared for him. Not in an “in love” way obviously. Almost immediately he began to show jealousy issues and I pulled away from all contact so as to help his insecurities. I recall taking pictures of my whereabouts to help ease his panic that I was where I claimed. The abuse on my part started when I began to resent what was happening with me when all he talked about was his ex. Back to the psychological projection theory. Im a really sensitive person and would ask him if he was messaging her all the time? And then thinking I was doing the same and getting upset. There were many upsets over this kind of thing and I would get annoyed and whine at him for far longer than any normal adult should. Then he promised it would stop…(which it didn’t)..but I knew it hadn’t so would question him (this is where it becomes me that’s nagging and causing fights and making him miserable in his mind). We had so many upsets I have no idea why we both stayed. I don’t know if this is only in my head but I got on great with all of his family, his mother, 2 sons and brother. But around the same time he voluntarily stopped contact with his ex, he began to call his family up and cry to them about our fights. So whilst he lived with me and I had no one to confide in at the risk of making my family resent him…..he would be bawling his heart out with anything he could to make them pity him. There is no black and white…..I’m aware he’s been hurt and damaged way before I came along. But I’m now in a place where he accepts he has done wrong but instead of finding a solution he just keeps doing the same. Every day they call each other and every day he speaks to them in private. His son refused to see me back in January and he kept this from me until I finally forced the truth out of him in September! I don’t understand why he would want to create all of this mess. He says he lacks the ability to stop and consider these things until it’s too late. He promised one evening recently that it would stop but the very next morning did the exact same thing, (took a quick call saying he’d call back then waited until I was gone to do so). It shouldn’t be that big of a deal I suppose but it’s so hurtful. I’m not included in anything they do together and if I complain I’m trouble making and crazy and do I expect him to stop seeing his son or his brother :/. It’s really silly that I tolerate it but I do nonetheless.
    Anita my abuser part is that I cause these arguments by complaining. He feels that our whole relationship has been difficult because of my trouble making and moods. I don’t agree with it but then maybe I’m fooling myself. Maybe I’m the narcissist so much so that I can’t see it.
    What was interesting though was I was offered a fantastic job/pay with my ex recently and my partner didn’t sleep for days over it. But I’ve been told I’m crazy and abusive for being hurt at him diluting our relationship with his ex for years.

    I guess I posted this partly because I’m confused and aware that I can be very sensitive as well as single minded and demanding of the truth when I smell a rat. But also because if You all think I’ve been ridiculous for feeling hurt over this stuff then I’d welcome your opinions. Harsh or not. Suiting me or not :).

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