Hi I’m going through something similar right now except no abuse. I have been with my husband over 20 years and married over 13. I love him with all my heart and wouldn’t want to spend my life with anyone else. Lately though I can’t get my ex off my mind. He looked me up and messaged me recently and my heart stopped. We were young and I gave him a piece of me Nobody else can have and I can’t get back. I think for this reason I will always have love for him. I thought I was over him because it was over 21 years ago so why can’t I stop thinking of him now. I’m upset with myself for having him on my mind.