hello. I want to begin by saying that I’m in a very healthy and loving relationship of 11 months with a wonderful man but this post isn’t about him , and that’s  why I need help ! A few years ago while Separated from my now ex husband , I began a relationship with a man that turned into a very passionate and toxic relationship . We saw each other on and off for a few years , every time we broke up was for valid reason and my intense love for him would have me turning on my heel and accepting him back even when he seemed a little pushier than I would have liked and there were some warning signs . We shared some tramatic events which bonded us together further because I felt no one else would understand what we had gone through . To me the timing was never quite right and we never got the “ real shot “ I was convinced we deserved . When we finally got that shot however everything blew up for the worse and that emotional injustice is something I can’t get over . He sexually assaulted me one night in my bed while I slept and I loved him enough to make excuses for his actions , even though my gut was sick and knew the truth . Enough people loved me enough to help me realize my own self worth wasn’t worth compromising for someone I loved but that never actually closed the chapter for me . Even after therapy and a new healthy relationship with someone that truly respects and loves me , I still miss my ex and think of him often . I don’t know how to get over that love and I know how messed up that sounds . Those boundaries were very clearly crossed and there is no going back ! A relationship with him would jeapordize every other one I have from family and friends and even my children . I know it’s not worth that risk but I still can’t get him out of my head . I dream about him , it haunts me but not in the way you’d expect – I miss him . It felt like he died , or the version of him I was in love with did , and I had to learn to mourn him and not see him cold turkey . I wanted a future with this man , I was crazy in love and while I really love my boyfriend now it’s different somehow even though he is incredible. I know I can’t lose him and I feel guilty for thinking of my ex and wondering how he is . I almost went to see him a few months ago , I convinced myself I could have a casual drink and then chickened out because what I felt driving to meet him I knew it wouldn’t be casual . I hate that someone can have that power over me even after all of this time . I wish it was over and resolved and feelings were gone . And that’s why I’m writing this. For so many reasons I cannot share These thoughts and feelings with anyone in my life , and I want to scream ! I thank anyone who read this to the end and who may offer some advice . It feels nice to just get it off my chest , it’s been sitting there suffocating me lately .