April 15, 2018 at 1:32 pm #202539
hello. I want to begin by saying that I’m in a very healthy and loving relationship of 11 months with a wonderful man but this post isn’t about him , and that’s why I need help ! A few years ago while Separated from my now ex husband , I began a relationship with a man that turned into a very passionate and toxic relationship . We saw each other on and off for a few years , every time we broke up was for valid reason and my intense love for him would have me turning on my heel and accepting him back even when he seemed a little pushier than I would have liked and there were some warning signs . We shared some tramatic events which bonded us together further because I felt no one else would understand what we had gone through . To me the timing was never quite right and we never got the “ real shot “ I was convinced we deserved . When we finally got that shot however everything blew up for the worse and that emotional injustice is something I can’t get over . He sexually assaulted me one night in my bed while I slept and I loved him enough to make excuses for his actions , even though my gut was sick and knew the truth . Enough people loved me enough to help me realize my own self worth wasn’t worth compromising for someone I loved but that never actually closed the chapter for me . Even after therapy and a new healthy relationship with someone that truly respects and loves me , I still miss my ex and think of him often . I don’t know how to get over that love and I know how messed up that sounds . Those boundaries were very clearly crossed and there is no going back ! A relationship with him would jeapordize every other one I have from family and friends and even my children . I know it’s not worth that risk but I still can’t get him out of my head . I dream about him , it haunts me but not in the way you’d expect – I miss him . It felt like he died , or the version of him I was in love with did , and I had to learn to mourn him and not see him cold turkey . I wanted a future with this man , I was crazy in love and while I really love my boyfriend now it’s different somehow even though he is incredible. I know I can’t lose him and I feel guilty for thinking of my ex and wondering how he is . I almost went to see him a few months ago , I convinced myself I could have a casual drink and then chickened out because what I felt driving to meet him I knew it wouldn’t be casual . I hate that someone can have that power over me even after all of this time . I wish it was over and resolved and feelings were gone . And that’s why I’m writing this. For so many reasons I cannot share These thoughts and feelings with anyone in my life , and I want to scream ! I thank anyone who read this to the end and who may offer some advice . It feels nice to just get it off my chest , it’s been sitting there suffocating me lately .April 15, 2018 at 2:52 pm #202547
I am confused. A few years ago, you got involved with a man who sexually assaulted you? Now you are involved with this loving man for the last 11 months but cannot stop thinking about your ex husband? Or you cannot stop thinking about the man who assaulted you?
If it is the ex husband, how long have you been divorced and not been in contact with him?
If it is the abusive boyfriend then how long has it been since you been in contact him?
For either case, my guess is that you never really been emotionally out on your own since your marriage. You jumped right into this abusive guy and now with this loving guy.
You don't know how to be able to stand on your own two emotional feet without a man. I think that whatever the attraction this abusive man is for you, it is a piece that needs to be examined within yourself. What about this ex that you miss? What qualities does he have that you long for and that your current boyfriend does not have?
MarkApril 16, 2018 at 6:44 am #202625
Something intense is drawing you to your ex boyfriend. Maybe that something is in those traumatic events that you mentioned, “We shared some traumatic events which bonded us together further”. If you would like to explore what it is that is drawing you to this man, will you share about those traumatic events that you shared with him?
anitaApril 16, 2018 at 6:50 am #202627
You have done well by sharing your feelings through this platform, and I would like to comfort you by letting you know that your feelings are heard.
When you are feeling misery, please do not keep the trauma in your heart and instead vent it out, it will indeed help you to feel better. We all have times in our lives where we feel stuck and unable to move out from a whirl of negativity but know that you are stronger than you think and you will be able to pull through this.
I see that you are overthinking, and about a certain person which is not allowing you to move out from your current spot to continue threading your life path.
Take your time, and when you are comfortable, step out from this trap that you have set for yourself. This trap has prevented you from going further. It will not be easy, but try your best to take your mind off this guy and focus your energy on what is positive and meaningful instead.
You can do it. You are strong. You are independent. Do not forget that.
JunApril 16, 2018 at 7:46 am #202641
This will get better. It will take a long time (a LONG time!!) but I promise you.. when your username is “Survived40” you will look back on this man and feel bad for him and sorry for him. Or be shocked that you ever fell for someone like him. Or shocked that he is uglier, sadder, more entrenched in his abusive personality, sick or even in jail.
And the new man in your life (whoever that is at the time) will simply look better and better. And you two will go through your OWN traumas together, and victories, and life experiences. So that you will say THANK GOD for blessing you with what a good nice partner is supposed to look like!
InkyApril 17, 2018 at 7:13 am #202799
Thank you for the kind words and I really hope I am survived at 40 haha . It feels like a lifetime of uphill daily battles to get past all of this , but it does help immensely to have support through this forum ! I appreciate itApril 17, 2018 at 7:17 am #202801
thank you so much for your response ! Sometimes that’s the best healing is having your voice heard without judgement . I absolutely do overthink and it’s an overwhelming swarm of emotions and thoughts that need an outlet ,I’m so glad I found this forum to be able to express myself and have such positive support and feedback !April 17, 2018 at 8:11 am #202817
I am glad you seem better.
Continue telling yourself kind words – like the things we tell you.
Let these affirmations resound within yourself until it is part of you.
You can do it. We are all trying.