Peggy, selfless love is what I aspire to see one day in me.

Now, with also all of this, there’s only selfish love, and it’s kind of twisted.

Bringing up a person to the table in order to have only my needs met or my needs met it’s not that fair. It’s natural and certainly a wonderful feeling, but I have to love myself first.

And that’s the trashy part

I’ll try to be as synthetic as possible.

1-aloofness, apathy (my special friend), boredom, shallowness, too much sensitivity/weakness, moodiness, complaints, constant talking and stupid gossip. The absence of passion, depth and engagement are particularly venomous, as I struggle with them constantly

2-always had them. I am a very funny and extrovert person whenever I want to. I also easily track other people emotions and perceptions. And I’m kinda assertive

3-superior no. Just different often. It’s like trying to connect a fossil with a Wi-Fi hotspot so to speak.

Peggy, as for the body mass I’ve never been more than 63 kgs. I’m tall 1.87 meters. Based on the whole calculations, I should be around 70 kgs. That’s kind of hard for me, as I have an extremely light and flexible bone structure. Right now I’m weighing 56 kgs.

Sex drive is also absent because of the already described proto traumas, the horrible state of the gay community and probably bodly difficulties.

I don’t want to be dependent on someone. I think that romantic love It’s some sort of very selfish act

Peggy, also observing the evolution of my behaviour in these days is reinforcing that all of this is just a symptom- who apparently took also form of an habit.

Can’t say that I control food intake yet, but at least knowing that it is not the main problem is somewhat helping, although we are far from a concrete solution

Anita, snake mode is gulping down food just like a snake. With a very short time for munching it up.

Peggy, as for the image, I do know that it’s distorted and doesn’t want the best for me, at least biologically speaking. As also said by Anita, these things do creep on you and stick around. Especially when you try to ignore them. You can try to face them, but the fear of them being right is so atrocious. They are somewhat protecting you from something, that maybe will never exist, but they are a defence. You don’t want the image to go bad. You want that body as skinny as it can be

Anita, I did it, sideways.

The whole rape thing is comprehensible, but I truly don’t click with it. I’m the first one who force feeds his animals in order to prevent their death (and for animals such as snakes and lizards it’s very common to have illnesses that bring a starvation response). Of course, the thing is done after severe analysis and when everybody is certain that the only option remaining is the forced feeding.

Same happened to me, as I was frequently visited by doctors that were also extremely worried. I don’t know what caused my response, but I don’t condemn the actions that others imparted on me. Without them I wouldn’t be here Now, for the worse or the better.

For the power thing, as said before, I consciously subtract power from myself, so it tries to go into other rivers. As said before, I’m fully aware that the whole fat phobia is just a symptom or a incarnation of something bigger.

Something I don’t think is truly brought up by external enemies, but the fact that I constantly repress myself. Now, if the repression is caused by external forces is Something that I don’t know yet.

I don’t know how to get more in depth into This, maybe I’m not getting the point that you are trying to make.

Feel free to ask more in-depth question if you continue to find discrepancies

Ho Peggy, really thank you, I’d don’t know what to say!

For the “eating to live” I find it very sterile and difficult to relate to. Mainly from a somewhat spiritual viewpoint (but also a scientific one) food is such a complex and beautiful thing (both biologically-with all the bodily responses- and spiritually, as you integrate within you something that was other and that helps building you) that I find it really hard to reduce it in such a simple affair.

What I’d like to do is reaching an equilibrium, and try to experience nutrition in the best way possible.

As for my purpose, I do have thousands of passions, which are always sunk by my self sabotaging behaviour. Somethings become too complex, or they just appear too complex, and I give up.

Maybe I have to find the mastery behind that.

I also have to point out that in the few meditation sessions that I’ve experienced, I reached points in which I understood something, something far deeper than everyday life. It was complete union, and a somewhat eternal consciousness. They are just moments of bliss though, as our life and ego bring us back. So maybe there is a purpose for all of us. Seeing and admiring the incredible wonders of our universe, it would be unwise not to exploit them fully. But I’m getting too philosophical hahaha

Btw, thank you for the reply. Hope to share ideas and hope with you and all the others, it’s kinda helping me

Thank you for the replies. I appreciate that immensely.

My relationship with food changed over the years. When I was very little, I just refused to eat. I don’t know exactly why, my mother always says that I wasn’t interested in it at all. I was really fragile and small, easily prone to disease (and for two times I almost died for two big bacterial infections, one bacterial fire in the lungs and one very strong tonsillitis). I grew up with my paternal grandma, as my parents worked from 8 am up until 7 pm. She was, as all Italian grannies are, very fond of the food. She didn’t like to cook, but she was amazing at it. And growing up, I started to see food as a normal thing and a pleasure thanks to her. What I’ve noticed is that I truly respect food, maybe it’s an italian cliche, but for us the food and everything that floats around it are almost sacred. That relationship is now distorted, and I do acknowledge perfectly that it’s just an escape route, like a hole in a container that gets rid of the gas in excess. Probably because it’s something material, something that has a more earthly relationship with me, easier maybe to control.

In regards of the looks, I’m a very aesthetically centered person. I don’t think it’s shallowness, but I’m truly captivated by beauty, and I’m an active seeker of it. My concept of beauty is extremely wide, but unfortunately in the human, physical range it’s very standard. The not-so-good for our mental health standard. I really want to know why I can’t truly separate the material and immaterial beauty from a male (process that is basically automatic for everything else that comes in contact with me) but still, it remains a thing that has its own gravity.

As for the feelings, yes, they are always suppressed. I think that my whole life is suppressed. I always have the clear sensation that, because of my own decision or mindset, I’m not truly living. It’s a golden cage, but still a cage. Maybe I don’t want to open it up, or maybe the external factors are playing a big part here. Or it can be both. So yeah, the capability to control and gain power, as well as try to express some kind of discomfort fits in the whole thing.

The problem is that , as Anita said, those things creep up and they are truly detrimental.  Sometimes I really question them, as they are only stupid thoughts that want to achieve something that it’s the exact opposite of what they propose. But they become habits, and the fear of their absence, of not listening to them, becomes very, very powerful.

What I also want to know is how to avoid the birth of this whole fear. Maybe it’s society, maybe it’s just anxiety that wants to take a more material, recognizable body.

Anita, thank you for your reply. Know that I’m with you, as I truly get what you mean. Peggy, thank you for the insight, I hope to start to walk down some path that will lead to some kind of mastery. Don’t know how, but maybe I will.  Thank you again for your attention. If you want to discuss this further or have questions, feel free to ask.