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Between anorexia and bulimia

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This topic contains 35 replies, has 3 voices, and was last updated by  Peggy 2 months, 2 weeks ago.

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  • #302131

    Edoardo
    Participant

    First of all, hi! My name is Edoardo and as you can guess English is not my first language, so I apologize for eventual errors in this post, I’ll try to improve my writing skills. And sorry, but this will be long.

    I’ve been following this site for a while, but only now I decided to actually use it for good. This is mainly caused by the not-so-healthy situation that I keep pushing on myself.

    I’m 19 years old and I’m a fairly good looking guy, but my mind says otherwise. Or at least, it wants to improve something that doesn’t really need any improvement. But I have to start with the basics.

    I’ve always been a somewhat strange child. People always say that I’m far too young for being this mature, but knowing my brain, I tend to disagree. Insecurities always ruled me, especially as a child, because I’ve always been monstrously introspective and analytical. At a very, very young age I discovered that I wasn’t quite like the other boys, as my sexuality began to show itself very, very soon. That of course created an enormous pressure and for years I tried to repress and hide this part of me, that I considered (also thanks to the society around me)  a literal disease.  This all happened while still in elementary school, I was like 8 or 9, and lasted up until 14 when I fell (finally) in love with a guy. Guy that of course wasn’t on my same side, so it was kind of painful (but as you’ll see later, very helpful).

    Since that event I lived in fear and insecurity, constantly bashing myself for everything and, most importantly, not doing anything about it. The first years of my life forged my own, omnipresent demonic friend: the fear of efforts and to leap out of the comfort zone. As a kid, I usually spent time alone studying various topics, reading encyclopedia after encyclopedia, while ignoring the other kids. Growing up, the things worsened, as I became more and more apathetic and numb (this void, old friend, is what is fueling also the entire process that is driving me into writing this post) and people around me became far, far meaner.

    My mother (who has a very unpleasant and childish personality traits : materialistic, highly competitive, prideful, self-righteous and, most importantly, extremely prone to complaints) decided to put me in a private school (for elementary and middle school) because I live in an area of the city (in which there’s a school, and you should primarily go in that school if you live in that same neighborhood for my city’s administration) that is not in line with her standards. As you may know, Italy has been target of various migrations since the 90’s, and my city (always governed by leftist parties) quickly became an hotspot of  immigrant hospitality. Hospitality not done very well, as this people were relocated in the already devious suburbs – and I live right in one of them. With rampant racism, every white and christian person with some money started to send their children in private schools or schools in more “noble” areas of the city.

    So I went into this school, and the first two years were amazing. Just a few children, always looked after. However, things soon changed as episodes of harassment, revenge and gossip became more and more frequent. We were just kids (being like 7 or 8 at that time) but we were able of surprising atrocities. I don’t know who started it or why, but I know that for the next few years (especially in middle school, where things became very, very unpleasant) I became an extremely twisted individual, prone to manipulation and narcissism. And of course, I wasn’t happy.

    This was enhanced by the omnipresent christian ideology that permeated the school (private schools here are for the majority religion- oriented) which didn’t help my struggles with my sexuality, as it was considered an hellish sin. This all contributed into making the void bigger, and a spiral of apathy, depression and paralysis became my reality.

    Then, middle school finished, and I started the high school. Being passionate about science, I decided to go into a very prestigious technical high school specialized in chemistry and biotechnology. I wasn’t studying at all and my grades were close to zero, as the only thing that I did all day long was playing with the phone and watching youtube. Then I met this guy (let’s call him Rico), that started to move something in me. For the first time in my life I felt affection for someone, instead of hatred and aggression. And that was a big one. He taught me how to hope, something that I didn’t even considered up until that moment.

    Long story short, I started to change because of my love for him, but things went quickly downhill as he started to get clues about my feelings. That resulted in a peak of depression that almost got me kicked out of the school  because of my complete numbness and inability to do anything.

    But then, something happened. I don’t know what happened, maybe it was God. But I found the force within myself and I started to change. I decided to hope, I started to change and challenge myself. In a few months, I was a new person, and for an entire year I became the best version of myself.

    My grades started to rise at incredible speeds, I was able to create a wide (although not healthy) social circle and I came out to my friends and parents.  That lasted for about a year and an half. With the subjects becoming more challenging,  much of my newfound abilities in optimism were crushed and substituted with a mechanical and soulless approach to study, and life in general.

    I continued to repress many of my feelings, and the people around me didn’t even recognize that. With the time passing, things became more stressful and the people around me started to distance themselves from me and each other.

    I must say that the whole thing wasn’t only pain: I’ve met a few fantastic people, that are still my friends and backbone of my life, which I love very, very deeply.

    Straightforward to last year, high school ended and I was able to exit with one of the highest degrees. In the meantime I started to go to the gym and I wanted to develop better eating habits.

    First I focused on healthy eating. At first it was easy, but then the binges started to add app. I could eat an entire bag of cookies and a panettone whole. (Panettone is a typical Christmas dessert, a huge pie made with eggs and butter and filled with almonds and dried fruit). At the time I was around 60 kgs, I’m tall 187 cm. I was still lean and athletic, but I started to notice a small roll of fat on the last pair of abs. And I didn’t like it.

    With the summer coming, I started to frequent Bologna more (it’s a city bigger than mine, home to the oldest university of the world and cradle of the Italian lgbt movement). There I met some guys and we did some sexual things. I’ve always been very selective in terms of physique and sexual attraction, and they didn’t quite fit in that frame, but I was friends with them and I wanted to push myself past the shallowness of eye candy. My attempt failed: my aversion for body fat only increased after those sexual experiences, and my whole sex life has basically stopped since (it was about one year ago).  Healthy eating became far more important, and I started to exercise after every meal, with calorie counting that became almost an obsession. All because of body fat, that quickly became an horror.

    With the autumn’s arrival I had to choose the university. Entering into Italian universities (especially in scientific courses) it’s a hellish ride in which you have tests that are often already “done” for some students, or are based on totally irrelevant subjects that are not always studied in depth in school. As a result of this, I’m now into a university of a city that I don’t like, and that doesn’t give me a true good education. And the worst thing is that I can’t change it: if you want to go to another university, you basically have to make the whole course from zero. So for the winter I’m stuck in that city, in a place and that I don’t like and with people that have a mentality that is still unchanged from the war. The void returned, binges became more frequent, and I quickly became paranoid about them. So one day I decided to stop eating. It was almost four months ago. I fasted for two days, and I started to loose weight. After one week of basically fasting, I lost 4 kgs. I was  56. And I felt amazing. I was finally able to control my cravings, and that terrifying fat deposit was finally gone. Two weeks passed and then one Saturday evening, while I was having fun with my friends I almost dropped from exhaustion.  I was introducing less than 400 kcals in my body for each day. That episode made me worry, so I decided to start eating again. I’m also studying biochemistry (I’m following a biotech course) and it got me intrigued with the whole hormonal response to foods. The more I got into it, the more I was tempted to try the keto diet. Insulin is what drives fat storage and it’s triggered mainly by carbs (protein does rise insulin, but has an overall different effect on the metabolism). So less than two months ago I started keto. The first week was great, but then the binges started to show up again. I can eat half a kg of cheese with ease, no problems. So I to tried to purge myself after meals, but didn’t work. For various reasons I became less constant with the gym, and so cycles of binge eating and fasting started to emerge. This week I fasted for two days. Yesterday, before dinner, I wasn’t even able to pick up something that was on the ground. This morning I only ate a little bit of yogurt, and then I decided to clean up the garden in order to burn it off. My parents have this constant “three meals a day religion”, and they do not eat super healthy (we consume a lot of veggies, fruit and a lot of whole foods, but they eat tons of cookies and shitty carbs- they are not fat though, far from it). So there’s also this variable: with them I’m forced to eat breakfast and dinner, and I’m often criticized for the lack of carbs in my diet.

    I have this constant struggle between binges, bulimia and pure anorexia, as I find not eating at all a very magnificent solution. It gives me a wonderful sense of security, and protects me from the fat, which is apparently the worst thing in the world.

    My parents are worried and they sent me (one week ago) to a psychologist specialized in eating disorders, who did a basic personality test ( the ones that you find on the internet) and kindly asked for 80 euros. Of course, I don’t want to spend such sums of money for things like that.

    What that truly amazes me is the fact that I’m perfectly conscious about the dangers of the situation, and I do acknowledge the problem and take full responsibility for my disordered behavior. Not eating gives me a power and a form of control that I truly crave. I don’t know what to do anymore honestly. One part of me recognizes this as a threat, but that image on the mirror is what is keeping me from actually try to improve something. I do feel great, and I want to keep the fat and the weight off of me. But of course this is not the right way.

    Sorry for the length of this all, but I honestly want to know some opinions of strangers and people who maybe suffered from the same disorders.

    Thank you for your attention, Edoardo.

    #302143

    anita
    Participant

    Dear Edoardo:

    I was diagnosed later in life with anorexia, and was underweight although far from the media images of anorexia. I also  binge ate and that distressed me so very much. I haven’t binged (purposefully ate huge amounts of food, as much as it was possible to consume, promising myself that it would be the last time) in a long, long time and I do not fast. I also do not over exercise (something that has caused me repeated injuries in the past).

    But I still do not like to look in the mirror and I do not weigh myself.. I avoid tight clothing so to not feel overweight and when I saw an anorexic woman the other day, clearly anorexic, skeletal like, I felt… envious and overweight in comparison.

    I think that once the inclinations have set- the fear of gaining weight, the frequent counting of calories, the .. obsession, it doesn’t go away, at least not for many years.

    My suggestion is that you start today on a committed journey of managing your eating disorder and healing from it best you can. Again, no miracles, and inclinations will remain for a long, long time.

    Every time you fast or eat too little, you are inviting your next binge, the two go together, so don’t fast or eat too little. If you have a craving for cake, eat a very small piece, otherwise, the craving will grow.

    Get your eating and exercise regular, same every day, a routine.

    One more thing: anxiety- manage/ heal from your anxiety and you will manage and heal (best you can) from eating disorders/ obsession about eating/ exercising/ body fat.

    If you would like me to share more, let me know. I hope other members will reply  to you as well.

    anita

    • This reply was modified 2 months, 2 weeks ago by  anita.
    #302189

    Peggy
    Participant

    Hi Edoardo,

    I am not in familiar territory here so I hope you will be patient with me.

    How we see ourselves in the mirror is not necessarily borne out by how others see us.  We sometimes become our worst critics.  Generally speaking, we need a balance of all food groups – a rule of thumb is a third carbohydrates, a third protein and a third vegetables.  As a male adult you probably need to be eating around 2,500 calories a day.  This is not an exact science – it depends on what kind of metabolism you have, how active you are and probably one or two other things besides.  By carbohydrates I mean chiefly potatoes, rice, spaghetti, bread.  Whole grain spaghetti and bread will fill you up and sustain you for longer than the white varieties.

    Anita has pinpointed the real problem which is one of anxiety and you already know the situations which have caused this.  You are clearly a highly intelligent, articulate, thoughtful person and you have worked out that your distress had happened by the time you reached the age of 7 or 8.  Without wishing to judge anyone, I wonder how your parents related to you and what messages you picked up in those early years regarding food/looks etc.

    Looks seem to be very important to you and, even though somewhere inside you know you shouldn’t be judging someone on looks alone, the fat issue looms large with you.

    People can’t tell how you feel by the outer shell of how you look.  I’m reading into your post that you might have had difficulty in discussing your feelings at certain times in your life.  People didn’t notice that you were repressing your feelings.

    I am making a very strong connection between food and feelings here.  Your need for food being suppressed/denied along with your need to suppress your feelings.  This may have been further compounded when someone you connected with (Rico) whom you loved and was helping you, backed off due to your sexuality.  Now you are not happy at University, neither with the quality of the education nor with the people you are surrounded with – solution stop eating.  You have no control over this situation but you can control the amount you eat – practically nothing.

    You can control what you eat and this gives you power which you crave.  What you really crave is healthy eating and a body which shows no signs of accumulating any fat.  Fat, by the way, is not the worst thing in the world and it never will be.  You are the grand old age of 19 and you have found out that you can’t control the outer world – you can, however, control your inner world.  This is the crux of the matter.  What you really need is self-control.  When you can be your own master you will have all the power that you will ever need.

    Kind regards,

    Peggy

     

     

     

     

    #302193

    Edoardo
    Participant

    Thank you for the replies. I appreciate that immensely.

    My relationship with food changed over the years. When I was very little, I just refused to eat. I don’t know exactly why, my mother always says that I wasn’t interested in it at all. I was really fragile and small, easily prone to disease (and for two times I almost died for two big bacterial infections, one bacterial fire in the lungs and one very strong tonsillitis). I grew up with my paternal grandma, as my parents worked from 8 am up until 7 pm. She was, as all Italian grannies are, very fond of the food. She didn’t like to cook, but she was amazing at it. And growing up, I started to see food as a normal thing and a pleasure thanks to her. What I’ve noticed is that I truly respect food, maybe it’s an italian cliche, but for us the food and everything that floats around it are almost sacred. That relationship is now distorted, and I do acknowledge perfectly that it’s just an escape route, like a hole in a container that gets rid of the gas in excess. Probably because it’s something material, something that has a more earthly relationship with me, easier maybe to control.

    In regards of the looks, I’m a very aesthetically centered person. I don’t think it’s shallowness, but I’m truly captivated by beauty, and I’m an active seeker of it. My concept of beauty is extremely wide, but unfortunately in the human, physical range it’s very standard. The not-so-good for our mental health standard. I really want to know why I can’t truly separate the material and immaterial beauty from a male (process that is basically automatic for everything else that comes in contact with me) but still, it remains a thing that has its own gravity.

    As for the feelings, yes, they are always suppressed. I think that my whole life is suppressed. I always have the clear sensation that, because of my own decision or mindset, I’m not truly living. It’s a golden cage, but still a cage. Maybe I don’t want to open it up, or maybe the external factors are playing a big part here. Or it can be both. So yeah, the capability to control and gain power, as well as try to express some kind of discomfort fits in the whole thing.

    The problem is that , as Anita said, those things creep up and they are truly detrimental.  Sometimes I really question them, as they are only stupid thoughts that want to achieve something that it’s the exact opposite of what they propose. But they become habits, and the fear of their absence, of not listening to them, becomes very, very powerful.

    What I also want to know is how to avoid the birth of this whole fear. Maybe it’s society, maybe it’s just anxiety that wants to take a more material, recognizable body.

    Anita, thank you for your reply. Know that I’m with you, as I truly get what you mean. Peggy, thank you for the insight, I hope to start to walk down some path that will lead to some kind of mastery. Don’t know how, but maybe I will.  Thank you again for your attention. If you want to discuss this further or have questions, feel free to ask.

     

    #302203

    anita
    Participant

    Dear Edoardo:

    I wasn’t able to read all of your second post but the beginning, having been told that you refused to eat, and having been fragile and small as a child, prone to infections, same as my history. I have never read, in my over four years here, history identical to mine in these regards. Can you elaborate on those first 4 lines, starting with “My relationship with food”?

    I will be back to the computer to read and reply in about 17 hours from now.

    anita

    #302221

    Edoardo
    Participant

    Sorry Anita for the late reply.

    Since I was a new born, up until 6 or 7, I just didn’t eat much. My mother couldn’t produce milk (and that was good, as she is a smoking industrial pipe) so I had all the baby foods and dried milk. Most of the time I just spat them out. People had to distract me in order for me to gulp down something. I was too young to remember. However I do remember my first appetite spikes, around age 7, maybe a little before. Then everything evolved smoothly, and I started to eat normally (definition that includes the classical Italian Sunday binges)

    #302223

    Peggy
    Participant

    Hi Edoardo,

    Firstly, can I congratulate you on your excellent English – it’s word perfect and you manage to give so much relevant detail in such a small space.  That’s quite an art.

    I’m glad you brought up the Italians’ relationship with food.  I had thought of it but didn’t want to be guilty of stereotyping.  Having been brought up in a big family I think there may have been a bit of the ‘Italian’ in our household and I do love Italian food.  It’s interesting to note that your eating patterns improved when you spent most of your time with your grandmother.  Is there any way that you can capitalize on this by taking yourself back there at mealtimes.  My mother used to say that we live to eat, not eat to live.  So, in my inexperienced and simple mind, I would like you to change your mindset into one where you are  “eating to live”.  This is where mastering yourself comes into play.

    On the subject of living, you describe two incidences as a child where you nearly died.  Have you ever thought that your life was saved on two occasions and maybe you had better find out why?  By this I mean what is your life’s purpose?  Being very intuitive, I feel that you are meant to achieve great things – maybe through art, through writing, through languages, through your love of beauty.

    Incidentally, I share your love of beauty.  The English poet, Keats, wrote “A thing of beauty is a joy for ever”.  I agree entirely with him.  It can take me to a whole new level.  It is also interesting to note that the Italians have produced some of the finest sculptures of the male form in the world.

    Please write again.

    Peggy

    #302227

    Edoardo
    Participant

    Ho Peggy, really thank you, I’d don’t know what to say!

    For the “eating to live” I find it very sterile and difficult to relate to. Mainly from a somewhat spiritual viewpoint (but also a scientific one) food is such a complex and beautiful thing (both biologically-with all the bodily responses- and spiritually, as you integrate within you something that was other and that helps building you) that I find it really hard to reduce it in such a simple affair.

    What I’d like to do is reaching an equilibrium, and try to experience nutrition in the best way possible.

    As for my purpose, I do have thousands of passions, which are always sunk by my self sabotaging behaviour. Somethings become too complex, or they just appear too complex, and I give up.

    Maybe I have to find the mastery behind that.

    I also have to point out that in the few meditation sessions that I’ve experienced, I reached points in which I understood something, something far deeper than everyday life. It was complete union, and a somewhat eternal consciousness. They are just moments of bliss though, as our life and ego bring us back. So maybe there is a purpose for all of us. Seeing and admiring the incredible wonders of our universe, it would be unwise not to exploit them fully. But I’m getting too philosophical hahaha

    Btw, thank you for the reply. Hope to share ideas and hope with you and all the others, it’s kinda helping me

     

     

    #302233

    anita
    Participant

    Dear Edoardo:

    First, a summary with quotes of what you shared so far, then my thoughts:

    When you were a young child (now 19), you lived with your paternal grandmother because your parents worked 11 hours a day. You were “really fragile and small, easily prone to disease.. almost died for two big bacterial infections”. You’ve “always been a somewhat strange child… wasn’t quite like the other boys”. While in elementary school , you experienced sexual attraction to boys and you tried to repress it. As a child and onward, “Insecurities always ruled me.. I’ve always been monstrously introspective and analytical”. You spent a lot of time alone, “studying various topics, reading encyclopedia after encyclopedia, while ignoring the other kids”.

    Your mother, “very unpleasant.. materialistic, highly competitive, prideful, self-righteous and, most importantly, extremely prone to complaints”, put you in a private school “in a more ‘noble’ area of the city”, one with less immigrants than in public school, a religion oriented school,  where homosexuality “was considered a hellish sin”.

    After two good years in private school, “episodes of harassment, revenge and gossip became more and more frequent” and you became by middle school, “an extremely twisted individual, prone to manipulation and narcissism”, and the void in you grew, and with it “a spiral of apathy, depression and paralysis”.

    You were passionate about science and decided to attend the very prestigious technical high school, but you played with your phone and watched  youtube instead of studying, and your grades were very poor.

    When you met Rico, at 14, “For the first time in my life I felt affection for someone, instead of hatred and aggression. And that was a big one. He taught me how to hope, something that I didn’t even considered up until that moment”. But he didn’t reciprocate your feelings, and that “resulted in a peak of depression”, and you almost got kicked out of school because of your “complete numbness and inability to do anything”. But somehow, for the following year and a half, you “decided to hope”, and started to change and challenge yourself. Your grades went up, you made friends and came out to your friends and parents.

    Following this post Rico year and a half awakening of sorts, “a mechanical and soulless approach to study, and life in general” returned, you continued to repress your feelings and your social connections disintegrated, but you did make and keep a few friends who are the “backbone of my life, which I love very, very deeply”.

    You graduated high school with one of the highest degrees but ended up in a university you don’t like, in a city you don’t like, receiving what you believe to be lacking education. Some time after high school, you started to go to the gym and aimed at improving your eating habits. Soon after, you started to binge eat, and although you were lean and athletic, you “started to notice a small roll of fat” on your body. You met a few men in Bologna, but you were critical of their body fat/ their looks didn’t match your standards of physical beauty. You wanted to push yourself “past the shallowness of eye candy”, but failed, and your “aversion for body fat only increased after those sexual experiences”.

    You “started to exercise after every meal, with calorie counting that became almost an obsession. All because of body fat, that quickly became my horror”.

    Now my thoughts (with quotes from you):

    1. I don’t think you remember the following but you were told about it later in life, you were told the following: “When I was very little, I just refused to eat. I don’t know why, my mother always says that I wasn’t interested in it at all… My  mother couldn’t produce milk.. so I had all the baby foods and dried milk. Most of the time I just spat them out. People had to distract me in order for me to gulp down something”-

    – we do have something in common, you and I, as babies/ very young children, we were force fed. My mother told me that I refused to eat and so, she blocked my nose with her fingers, forcing my mouth to open for air, and then she inserted the food into my mouth. In your case, one way food was forced into you was by distracting you and while your mouth was somehow open, food was inserted quickly,  before you were able to resist, or close your mouth to it.

    Being force fed, especially when done repeatedly, is traumatic for any person, especially for a young child. The forcing of something (food) into a body that resists it, is a sort of a rape. Not a sexual rape, mind you, but a rape nonetheless.

    The young child already powerless and dependent on the adults, feels even more powerless and in danger of the next time, the next feeding, the next.. rape.

    2. Food means a whole lot and is a big part of our lives, in some families and cultures more than in others. The relationship with food starts early and goes on our whole lives. No two people have the same experience with food because .. there is so much experience with food in each of our lives. But certain elements of our experience can be extracted out of the whole and these experiences mean the same for everyone with that experience. One such element is that being forced fed is traumatic for a young child.

    3. The issue of power: the force feeding was only the beginning of the distressing powerless experiences in your life, although a first and most significant experience.

    Notice what happened when you did feel power, notice how good it felt when you fasted, temporarily lost your cravings and weight: “I felt amazing… finally able to control my cravings, and that terrifying fat deposit was finally gone… I find not eating at all a very magnificent solution. It gives me a wonderful sense of security, and protects me from the fat, which is apparently the worst thing in the world… Not eating gives me a power and a form of control that I truly crave”-

    – This is how good power feels: amazing, magnificent, wonderful. Having no power feels like “apathy, depression and  paralysis”, no wonder you want to feel power.

    The enemy has become Fat, on your body and on potential boyfriends’ bodies. In your real life there have been many enemies, many in school (the harassment, revenge, and the viewing of homosexuality as a hellish sin, all that you mentioned, as well as the difficult bureaucracy involved in getting into a good university, into which you didn’t get) and at home, having a somewhat aggressive mother who complains a whole lot and is self righteous.

    But for you, all enemies morphed into one item: fat. It makes it easier to tackle an enemy when it is just one thing and when there are doable ways to fight it: fasting.

    Clearly, what you need is a sense of power in your life. Problem is that as it is now, you only know one way to feel power: to fast. Problem is: one, you are not dealing with other enemies, or challenges when you fast, such as aggressive people in your life, homophobic society and so on. Second, following the euphoria of fasting, you get weak and scared so you stop the fasting, and cravings do return- each and every time- leading to binges that make you feel very badly

    The more power you practice in your life, not limited to power-over-fat, the healthier you will become. Think of other ways to make that happen, beyond that one way that makes it worse for you, beyond that temporary euphoria.

    If you would like, we can continue to communicate, post and I will reply further.

    anita

    #302241

    Peggy
    Participant

    Hi Edoardo,

    Someone once described me as “simple in a complicated way”.  I think I try and reduce things down to their simplest form but I’ve probably gone through some very complicated thought processes before I arrive at that point.  I don’t find “eating to live” to be sterile.  I find it life affirming, joyous and celebratory.  (Master those thoughts).  All plants, trees, crops etc. have intelligence.  O.K. we call it nature but isn’t it amazing how much can grow from such a tiny seed (including us).  Apparently, the humble grape is a complete food – it contains all the nutrients our bodies need but who wants to live on grapes for the rest of time?  I hadn’t really thought of the intake of food as integration but you are right, it is.  Thank you.  Nutrition, nutrients, nurture.  The equilibrium you are looking for is how to nurture yourself – am I right?

    We are, as human beings, an integration of mind, body, spirit and emotions.  This might take some absorbing but everything that happens to us throughout our lives impacts on all four levels.  Your emotions are affecting your relationship to food which is affecting your body.  Your thought processes are affecting your emotions and you have already introduced your spirit into the equation with regard to your relationship with food.

    I would love to hear more about your passions.  It’s quite possible that you can indulge one or two of them in a low key way initially by, for instance, breaking the complexities down into small, manageable portions and treating them as hobbies.

    Your meditation sessions sound wonderful.  I am so impressed that you experienced complete union and eternal consciousness.  Rare and special indeed.

    Take care.

    Peggy

    #302255

    Edoardo
    Participant

    Think you both!

    Anita- I’m perfectly aware that this in part is just an escape route. I want to bring attention to the “in part” as apparently, this aversion is related also to my sense of beauty, which is something that I can’t control fully.

    About the whole power affair: I think that is reasonable (and biologically ingrained into us) to seek power of any kind in our lives.

    That brings me to unleash a favourite theory of mine, the “quantum level theory”.

    Basically, every time light (or another form of wave energy) interacts with an atom, some of it gets absorbed and a part of it does not. The absorption is made possible by the energy of the photon, the little packet in which light is condensed. A photon must have a certain energy in order to be absorbed: this energy is equal to the energy that is required for an electron to jump from it’s standard orbit into a more less stable orbit. So the photon must have the same energy of the gap between the two orbits. I think that every human is capable of conjuring photons that are able to do the jumps that one wants to do. Problem that I find with me, is that I refrain from crafting the photons. And that’s the big deal. The whole fat phobia could be easily reduced if I’d start to have a more serious and stable approach to exercise, which apparently for my mind is somewhat a no-no, maybe because of all the over exercising.

    I’d like also to discuss about the thoughts that Peggy brought to the table.

    Food is nutrition, that is directly linked to the deeper interactions of this reality, apparently.

    Maybe as a toddler I was more in tune with that than now. The people around me were worried, as I did not display excellent health at all and I was almost deliberately starving myself.

    The whole fasting thing is making me more conscious of the detachment that we have created between us and the food. Yesterday for example I was forced to eat dinner after a very big lunch. The energy in my body was so much that it kept me awake most of the night.

    This morning I skipped breakfast, and I felt incredible. Not only because I said a “no”, but also because my body is not designed to have a constant nutrient intake.

    We are marvels forged by thousands of years of evolution, and certainly our bodies are capable of handling dry periods. This is something that is puzzling me, as I’m becoming more aware of the continuous unnecessary consumption of food. Today I had an enormous lunch, and my body apparently is full. No need to introduce more things.

    The whole three meals a day is becoming a somewhat false idol. As Peggy said, I’m only searching for a good balance between me and the food, which is a very big deal.

    Now, I don’t know if this is just a perverted strategy that keeps enforcing the habit, I hope it isn’t. I would like to know your thoughts about this.

     

     

     

    #302271

    anita
    Participant

    Dear Edoardo:

    I will be able to read and reply to your recent post when I am back to the computer in a few hours or tomorrow morning, which would be about 19 hours from now.

    anita

    #302303

    anita
    Participant

    Dear Edoardo:

    I read your recent post which followed my post to you more than six hours ago. In your recent post you did not attend or respond to any of the items I brought to you. It is okay, of course, for you to not attend to my previous input for you. I suppose it didn’t click for you, you didn’t notice anything that might be of value to you.

    anita

    #302347

    Edoardo
    Participant

    Anita, I did it, sideways.

    The whole rape thing is comprehensible, but I truly don’t click with it. I’m the first one who force feeds his animals in order to prevent their death (and for animals such as snakes and lizards it’s very common to have illnesses that bring a starvation response). Of course, the thing is done after severe analysis and when everybody is certain that the only option remaining is the forced feeding.

    Same happened to me, as I was frequently visited by doctors that were also extremely worried. I don’t know what caused my response, but I don’t condemn the actions that others imparted on me. Without them I wouldn’t be here Now, for the worse or the better.

    For the power thing, as said before, I consciously subtract power from myself, so it tries to go into other rivers. As said before, I’m fully aware that the whole fat phobia is just a symptom or a incarnation of something bigger.

    Something I don’t think is truly brought up by external enemies, but the fact that I constantly repress myself. Now, if the repression is caused by external forces is Something that I don’t know yet.

    I don’t know how to get more in depth into This, maybe I’m not getting the point that you are trying to make.

    Feel free to ask more in-depth question if you continue to find discrepancies

     

    #302349

    Peggy
    Participant

    Hi Edoardo,

    I’m a little lost on your scientific explanation – your mind controls your body every time.  It makes sense, therefore, to use your mind in a way that nurtures your body.  I am hungry therefore I will eat.  I will eat when I am hungry and I will stop when I am full.  I will take good care of myself.  Change your thoughts and you change your life.  Thoughts are fleeting.  Let the ones go that aren’t nurturing you.  Don’t dwell on them.

    You say that yesterday you were forced to eat dinner after a big lunch.  “Forced”.  So someone had power over you – I presume you mean your parents.  I can understand that they might be very concerned about you but this language is a bit strong for my liking.  Do you mean they “encouraged” you to eat more than you needed?

    It is pretty obvious to me that if you eat a large lunch and dinner and you are too full then you are going to be uncomfortable until your digestive system has had time to work.  It is easy to see why you were not hungry enough to eat breakfast the next morning.  Saying “no” to breakfast that you did not want is reclaiming your power.  As I said before, your body needs approximately 2,500 calories a day.  There is nothing wrong with calorie counting as long as you make that number.

    There is nothing good about starvation.  Your whole body shuts down.  Don’t even go there.  The consumption of food is necessary.

    Three meals a day is desirable.  That gives you about 800 calories per meal.  You could eat 600 at breakfast and 1000 at your main meal leaving 800 for your remaining meal.  You might even get to eat an apple or banana or a handful of grapes as extras.

    The three things your body needs are 1) Food and drink  2) Exercise  3) Rest/relaxation/sleep.

    Exercise doesn’t necessarily mean the gym.  Walking, running, dancing, swimming, tennis etc. are all valid.  This should not be approached as a weight loss regime – it’s just exercising your body because it’s what it needs.

    Last week I wrote a poem which included the line “Today is the day that matters the most”.  Regardless of what has happened in the past, today is the only day that you have – make the most of it.

    Peggy

     

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