Hi. I too see no point in continuing to reach out, but keep in mind that if you stop, she might become antagonistic, and if your husband’s parents are alive, that could create other problems. (It might not — this stuff varies from family to family, and only you and your husband can know what’s likely to arise and how you want to deal with it.) Your SIL sounds very self-involved and not-self-aware, both of which (in my experience) result from a lot of pain; I don’t know whether seeing her thru that lens makes any difference. (I don’t mean “Accommodate her”; I think I mean “Loving detachment.”)

Is there any value in your (you and your hub jointly) sending her a letter (after drafting it many many times to be sure it contain only love, or love tinged with sadness, but not anger, bitterness, resentment, etc.) — might it be useful to send a loving letter that basically says, “We’d like it if our families were more connected; that doesn’t seem to be happening; if you want that too, we’d welcome more contact from you.”

How does your hub want to proceed? I’m not suggesting that you defer to him; I’m asking because he might have more insight into the workings of his family-of-origin; I know you’ve been part of the family for 30 years, but it’s not the same as growing up in the household and being shaped by those dynamics. Wishing you well in all of this — it’s complicated.