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When to let extended family relationships go

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  • #160374
    Choccoffeewine
    Participant

    There are those relationships that are one-way streets but you continue them because…they are family.   When is it ok to just let it go?  Do we need to continue to try when it is rarely reciprocated?

    This is my sis-in-law.  It has been a thing off and on for numerous years.  The most recent thing is that her eldest son graduated high-school and we found out when we saw pics of the graduation party on Facebook.  It hurts, it really feels like a gut punch.  We do not live in the same town, rarely the same state.  I’ve taken vacation time to visit.  We made arrangements with her to stop by and she ‘forgot’ so wasn’t home (more than once).  Without going into a long ol’ post on family history relations; just feel that she doesn’t want us around.  After over 19 years of trying, trying to have a conversation if there’s any conflict and being told there isn’t….I’m tired.

    #160412
    Eliana
    Participant

    Hi Choccocoffeewine,

    I don’t have alot to go by. In-laws can be difficult for a lot of families, mostly because of distance and other factors, beyond our control. But it looks like you have tried and done your best. I always have liked the quote “never invest more time in someone, than they invest in you”. What they did about the graduation was very hurtful.

    If you have never felt very close to them, and have reached out, and they have not reached back, I would let it go. You can’t be expected to do the work, and they don’t seem interested in including your family, which is their loss. If they do reach out to you, be polite, but don’t do anything if it makes you tired, or distraught. It’s not worth it. Concentrate on the people who want to be in your life instead.

    #160424
    Choccoffeewine
    Participant

    Thanks, Eliana.

    I’ve known my in-laws for almost 30 years, 19 of them married.  My sis-in-law is my husband’s only sibling.  She is younger than both us and has just seemed lost, which hasn’t really changed just she’s older now with kids and a hubby.  There was a time that she complained we weren’t involved enough in her childrens’ life (physical distance makes it a bit challenging not to mention there are nieces/nephews on my side of the family too).  I think she had a fantasy of what life would be like and the parts we would all play when the kids came along.  95% of communication is instigated by me and that’s not an exaggeration.  In the past couple of years, I saw her at a family funeral where I was happy to see her.  I tried to visit, ask questions but was met with one-word answers.  There are never any inquiries about what we are doing, how our children are….so it comes across that she has no interest for us unless we can do something for her.  My hubby doesn’t contact her too often…there are random texts/phone calls but you could count them on one hand over a few years.

    There are other instances that I’ve tried to excuse.  Such as when our daughter was born, her first niece.  We were all living in the same state then and as it turned out, she made multiple trips to the town we were living in (legal meetings) but never contacted us to meet her baby niece.  That ‘welcome to the family meet’ didn’t happen until a year later when a cousin from another country flew in to meet our daughter.

    To get multiple phone calls from her when she had a possible cancer diagnosis and we were part of her support for that.  Dropped/no-contact after the surgery went well.  If I really look at it, it has been a lifelong pattern and has happened over the almost 30 years I’ve known her.  I just feel badly because she’s “family” but having respect for myself, doesn’t mean you can just use me whenever you want to either.  I simply feel that I’m constantly chasing after her…

    #160432
    Eliana
    Participant

    I think she is treating you terribly. I would not chase her anymore. Let her reach out to you. My in-laws were the same way, and even members of my own family. It’s sad to say this, but I have had strangers kinder to me. Once she sees that you are not in contact in her, maybe she will have a change of heart and reach out to you. But right now, it’s all about her.

    #160460
    Inky
    Participant

    Hi Choccoffeewine,

    This is why God created weddings, baptisms and funerals, so people can actually see each other. And holidays for those that live close by! You are/were there for her. Beyond that, there isn’t much else you can do.  What makes it hard is the distance and her personality. Add kids to the mix, and you know, it’s all about the kids, everyone else is a distant 2nd/, 3rd/, 4th/…

    Maybe offer them to come up for the holidays (they won’t). Or visit them in 2020.

    Best,

    Inky

    #160546
    Dor
    Participant

    Hi. I too see no point in continuing to reach out, but keep in mind that if you stop, she might become antagonistic, and if your husband’s parents are alive, that could create other problems. (It might not — this stuff varies from family to family, and only you and your husband can know what’s likely to arise and how you want to deal with it.) Your SIL sounds very self-involved and not-self-aware, both of which (in my experience) result from a lot of pain; I don’t know whether seeing her thru that lens makes any difference. (I don’t mean “Accommodate her”; I think I mean “Loving detachment.”)

    Is there any value in your (you and your hub jointly) sending her a letter (after drafting it many many times to be sure it contain only love, or love tinged with sadness, but not anger, bitterness, resentment, etc.) — might it be useful to send a loving letter that basically says, “We’d like it if our families were more connected; that doesn’t seem to be happening; if you want that too, we’d welcome more contact from you.”

    How does your hub want to proceed? I’m not suggesting that you defer to him; I’m asking because he might have more insight into the workings of his family-of-origin; I know you’ve been part of the family for 30 years, but it’s not the same as growing up in the household and being shaped by those dynamics. Wishing you well in all of this — it’s complicated.

    #160778
    Choccoffeewine
    Participant

    Appreciate the feedback.  My husband has very little contact with his little sister.  And you are correct, Dor, there are dynamics and events that have happened that I have no knowledge of.  Until we were married, my husband never called nor sent a card for her birthday.  I made sure that he wrote in the card that I sent but all of that was instigated by me because of how I was brought up.  I’m the one that shops for birthdays, Christmas….not my husband UNLESS I involve him in it.  Which, I am doing more and more because for events, such as Mother’s Day, he needs to buy for his own mom….not me buying for her under his name.  I took on this role as a wife and I’m ready to not do it anymore.  I think, sometimes, that she views me as my husband….our kids are HIS so there’s sibling rivalry and such that goes on.  That stems from my parents-in-law furthering that message of “Why aren’t you like your brother?” and having my husband sit in on family discussions (basically act like he was a parent) when SIL was in trouble.  That was something he and I addressed with each other before we were married because I didn’t want to have anything to do with that.

    I know she has fear.  My husband, within the past year, was driving through and arranged to have lunch with her.  Her eldest son came along as well, which was fine but my husband didn’t invite him.  So, she doesn’t want to be alone with my husband.

    I have plenty of dynamics going on in my own family.  My mom is 86 and my sisters and I have all sorts of things with her, having dealt and currently healing from various abuses growing up.  SIL is a bit much at the moment for me.  With the professional help I have been receiving recently, it seems to have prompted my husband to look at his own family dynamics which is a new thing for him.

    I don’t hate my SIL, I love her dearly and have wished for her to find happiness in her life.  I try not to take it all personally but it does hurt.  I think I feel the urge to distance myself a bit, focus on my own little family (kids and hubby) and leave the door open for her.

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