Dimple,
I can’t imagine how much hurt you are carrying – I have children and, like most parents I suppose, I consider the loss you have suffered to be the worst thing that could happen to a person. I can offer you no sage advice from my own experience. I can, however, tell you of the experience of my oldest friend – well of his wife as he died of a brain tumor so his experience was the starting point of hers. She talked about ending it all, screamed and cried in despair, drank too much, didn’t clean anything for a long time and ignored her very young children for a while. That was 10 years ago. Now her kids are fine, she is a bereavement counselor, she only drinks a ‘normal’ amount and her house is reasonably clean. Time puts distance between her and the hurt – it didn’t remove it but it made it possible to bear it….because she had borne it for that time. I can only suggest therefore taking each day, or if that is too much hour, or minute, or breath, one at a time. I can also recommend meditation to still the mind and find some respite from the screaming or the silence in your head.
As to answers to your questions, I fear only you can answer them for you – but there are people around you – here and I hope physically near you – who will listen and help as they can. I respectfully suggest that seeking answers to the questions you pose will take a very long time and a lot of your available energy – perhaps you will never find them. Maybe it is better to just try to live and then live a little bit better and so on…do what you can do rather than setting almost impossible goals that will only amplify your sadness when they seem as elusive as ever.
I wish you peace, an end to your suffering and the chance to live your life in the light again.
Doug