Lavinia Lumezanu

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    Lavinia Lumezanu

    Hi Victoria,

    I’m so sorry to hear that you were in a relationship were you weren’t treated like the wonderful person I can already see you are. I know in a way it’s horrible to look back and see all the pain, I know you feel angry and guilty, but here’s the thing. Feeling guilty and worrying about what you could have done differently doesn’t change what happened, but it prevents you from doing something else in the present. It keeps you stuck in a past that doesn’t serve you. Yes you made a mistake, you chose a man you didn’t love you the way you deserve to be loved, you trusted him to be a partner and a companion and he was the farthest thing from that. Allow yourself to feel the pain, after all no matter who he was and what he did, you still loved this man. But take your power back, focus on your life, focus on your son, cry when you need to cry and be honest about it. Instead of feeling guilty about everything, just learn from it. Apologize to your son if you feel you have wronged him by exposing him to this person and start re-building that relationship. And most of all don’t be ashamed, never be ashamed of loving someone even if they weren’t worthy of your love.

    Lavinia Lumezanu

    Hi Elka,

    I’ve done a few 30-day Bikram yoga challenges over the years and I have the say the hardest one was definitely the first. Even though at the time, I had a lot more free time and I didn’t have to rush off to make it to class, I would sometimes find myself wanting, but somehow not wanting to go to class. Here are a few tricks I learned along the way so that fitness challenges are a lot easier now.

    1. Don’t make it an option. It’s like waking up and brushing your teeth. Just like you don’t decide every morning if you’re going to brush your teeth or not, don’t decide if you’re going to yoga or not, just assume it’s part of your routine

    2. Do your workout in the morning. I noticed that whenever I started the day by doing yoga, I would be more diligent about the. As the day advanced I would get tired and working out after work would always be a pain.

    3. Remind yourself of why you started to begin with. You wanted to overcome a plateau. Remind yourself every day.

    4. Enroll some friends to keep you motivated on those days when you just don’t feel like doing it. It’s always easier with friends.

    5. Set up a reward. Apart from the joy of actually accomplishing the challenge, what little nice thing will you do for yourself at the end of the 30 days.

    I hope this helps


    Lavinia Lumezanu

    Just remember what they tell you every time you get on a plane. “Put your oxygen mask on, before helping other people”. It may sound selfish, but at the end of the day, you can’t help anyone else, unless you help yourself first. Take care of yourself, take a moment to think about what you need and what you want, and focus primarily on yourself. Once you’re clear about that, you can openly help other people. Just put your oxygen mask on, first.

    I hope you both find peace and happiness!

    Lavinia Lumezanu

    Debs, my heart goes out to you for what you are going through. It’s clear that you and your boyfriend have a great connection underneath all the depression he’s going through. I think it’s very hard to make a clear cut decision in this situation. If he was physically ill, you wouldn’t walk away, you’d care for him until he got better. But because his “illness” is at a psychological level, sometimes we’re left not really knowing what to do and how to deal with this. The way I see it, you have two options:

    1. Decide that this is not for you anymore, walk away, eventually find someone else to be happy with. – Somehow I don’t think this is what you’re leading towards as you clearly love him, you want him to be better, and you want a happy, healthy relationship with him.

    2. Help him “see the light.” When someone is depressed, it’s not that they’re unhappy, it’s more that they’re “nothing”. They lack the desire to do anything, they have no energy, no joy. Andrew Solomon says that “the opposite of depression is not happiness, it’s vitality.” Something is happening inside him that has made him lose that vitality and he needs support, even if he can’t see that now. I think what is important to remember when you go on this path of supporting him and being by his side is not to lose yourself. You’re not his caretaker, you’re not a therapist, you are his partner. All he needs from you, that is actually productive for him, is love. Recovery is for people who want it, not for people who need it. Talk to him, try to find ways to convince him to get help, to take the medication (if he needs that), but always remember what your role is. The last thing you want to do is give up your life to care for him and end up joining him in that depression. Get the advice of a professional. If it’s beneficial to go to therapy with him, then consider doing that.

    I hope this helps in some type of way. I have to say I’ve met depressed people, I’ve worked with them, and their needs, what gets them on the other side is different for each of them. It’s hard to say what will work for your boyfriend, but you have to decide which side you’re on and most importantly what is your breaking point, how long are you willing to go down this road with him? What would you want him to do if the situation was reversed? If you ever need to talk to an impartial person, I’m happy to listen. Shoot me an email http://www.justlav.com.

    Lavinia Lumezanu

    Well, to me all of this just seems like a misunderstanding that turned into a huge mess. I can’t pretend to understand what you are going through, but I have had myself episodes when the drama of it was just overwhelming and all I wanted to do is run away. I was angry at everyone. Here are a few steps that helped me:

    1. If you did something wrong towards your friends, first of all apologize, ask them to forgive you and let them know how much it hurts you to see or hear those comments. Sometimes people don’t even realize how much harm they are doing by teasing, bringing up old wounds, and rehashing everything. Give them the benefit of the doubt and try talking to them. If it works, great; if it doesn’t, then you know you’ve done your best.

    2. Stop talking about it. If anyone in your group of friends brings it up, kindly tell them that it’s a matter from the past and you’d like to keep it in the past. Be gentle about it though, nobody likes to be put in the corner for some random comment.

    3. It seems to me that you’re more angry at yourself than you are at your friends. Maybe because you trusted them, maybe because you allowed yourself to get involved in all the drama. Whatever it is, forgive yourself for it. Let it be a lesson for the future, but leaving the drama and the pain in the past.

    4. Forgive your friends. At the end of the day, they are human, with good and bad. You once saw them as your friends. Even if they no longer fit that title, they must have done something to deserve the title “friend” and some point in your life. Forgive them for all the bad things and try to still appreciate the good things they did.

    5. Go back to your art. Even if you don’t feel like it in the beginning, even if it brings some of the pain back, just let the pain wash through and let art heal you.

    And last, but not least, as for support. You don’t have to ask your friends or your family if that makes your uncomfortable or embarrassed, just ask anyone, feel free to ask me – after all, I’m just a stranger so I have no judgments to begin with. I’m happy to be a sounding board while you figure things out. Look me up at http://www.justlav.com and shoot me an email and most importantly, never ever think that you don’t matter.

    Lavinia Lumezanu

    Dear Tracey,

    I think we’ve all felt some part of what you are feeling right now at one point or another. It’s very easy to give advice and say just think positive thoughts, but many times we don’t realize that those positive thoughts are not available to people who are used to seeing the glass-half empty – and after an experience live you’ve had how could you not see the glass half empty. In my experience working with various people on their life goals, their attitude, and how to build a better happier self, there are a few tricks that work even for that “sky is always grey” kind of person,

    1. Start small. Taking the leap from being a negative person is not an easy task. Even if you succeed for a few things, you will always revert back to what you know best. So start small. Instead of jumping to being positive, start with just being less negative. Work that step by step into your life until it becomes natural.

    2. Understand that it’s a process and catch yourself when you’re about to go to that dark place. Sometimes, if you can catch yourself before you get full on dark side, it’s easier to come back from it.

    3. Set reasonable goals. A lot of people who see the dark side also tend to put themselves down because they set goals that are completely out of their reach and have a hard time achieving them. With that in mind, take it step by step.

    4. Find reasons to celebrate. This one is a pretty straightforward one. No matter where you are in your life, there’s always something nice and positive in it. It may be shadowed by the negativity, but it’s still there. Try to find it.

    5. Hang out with positive, trusting people. They will drive you crazy in the beginning, you will roll your eyes at every word they say, but it rubs off. We are in a way a product of our environment and everything around us shapes who we are.

    I don’t know if the person you are dating right now is the one for you. You don’t know either, but if you never give him a chance and you continue to sabotage the relationship, you will never know. You’ve already been through a terrible thing and you’ve made it on the other side so you know exactly how strong you are and what you have overcome. What you don’t know is how strong your ability to love is after you have been hurt. Remember, this person is not your ex, don’t punish him for the things your ex did.

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