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How to forgive myself for a bad relationship

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  • June 23, 2014 at 11:57 am #59407
    Victoria
    Participant

    I need some help please. I am beating myself up over a man that used me. I was so blinded by his “love” that it was like a drug. I let him move into my home when he could not pay his rent because he started a new business. He supported me for a few months through my dad’s stroke and my mom’s chronic illness, but he also wanted me to change a lot of things. Get rid of some of my pets. Put my mom in long term care. Grow my hair. I needed to force my ex to sign the divorce settlement and get his stuff out of my house. The house was never to his liking but he barely lifted a finger. But despite all I had going on he “loved” me and I was grateful. I tried and tried and gave and gave and thought I was making progress and it was all ok. A week ago he changed his FB picture and I noticed he had also changed his relationship status to ask me. After a day of avoiding my questions he finally (and very nastily) said that he wanted to move out. It turns out he had been looking for a place without speaking to me. I threw him out. Now he is camping at night near his business. I feel tremendous guilt and stupidity. I feel bad that my 16 year old son was exposed to this person (although he always treated me well aside from no housework in front of my son and family) and I feel horribly guilty for all the time I spent with him that I could have been spending with my son. I feel stupid and desperate for not having picked up sooner on what this man really was. Does anyone please have any words of wisdom on how to forgive myself and move on?

    June 23, 2014 at 3:17 pm #59413
    Lavinia Lumezanu
    Participant

    Hi Victoria,

    I’m so sorry to hear that you were in a relationship were you weren’t treated like the wonderful person I can already see you are. I know in a way it’s horrible to look back and see all the pain, I know you feel angry and guilty, but here’s the thing. Feeling guilty and worrying about what you could have done differently doesn’t change what happened, but it prevents you from doing something else in the present. It keeps you stuck in a past that doesn’t serve you. Yes you made a mistake, you chose a man you didn’t love you the way you deserve to be loved, you trusted him to be a partner and a companion and he was the farthest thing from that. Allow yourself to feel the pain, after all no matter who he was and what he did, you still loved this man. But take your power back, focus on your life, focus on your son, cry when you need to cry and be honest about it. Instead of feeling guilty about everything, just learn from it. Apologize to your son if you feel you have wronged him by exposing him to this person and start re-building that relationship. And most of all don’t be ashamed, never be ashamed of loving someone even if they weren’t worthy of your love.

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