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Ed

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Viewing 15 posts - 46 through 60 (of 61 total)
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  • in reply to: Depressed after leaving toxic relationship #403144
    Ed
    Participant

    *so to be clear, i am not diagnosed with DID, i am experiencing the same symptoms like i wrote above.

    in reply to: Depressed after leaving toxic relationship #403143
    Ed
    Participant

    Dear anita,

    I have been diagnosed with ptsd and i have been suffering from diagnosed dissociations and depersonalisation for years as part of the ptsd complex of symptoms.

    (Based on where i live my mental health problems are diagnosed with the icd, and most of my psychiatrists and therapists gave me different diagnoses for the same problems. I myself ,,accept” the diagnoses from the professionals i trust the most.)

    Im looking forward to read from you again, take your time of course.

    Ed

    in reply to: Depressed after leaving toxic relationship #403140
    Ed
    Participant

    Dear anita,

    I had to manage 2 very stressful days and i didnt want to rush a new post out without taking the time thats needed to make it meaningful.

    Thank you for researching and sharing your findings. I am now very much smarter than before!

    For me personally, i felt like the word ,,objectifying” always had a strong emphasis on the idea of dehumanizing a person while not having to compare them to an actual object. This is not a critque in any way to how you understand it in any way, just an explanation about how i used it in the context.

    Your experience about being seen, used and treated in this isolated and ,,fragmented” kind of way by your mother made me feel sick. I can also see correlations a lot of experiences of mine in that. I guess this process is what makes abuse what it is. From the perspective of the abuser there have to be parts of a victim that make the abuse ,,worth it” aside from sadism and the feeling of control. I think that by isolating aspects of the personality of a victim they try to control which parts they are presented with, or in short, its a process of conditioning the victim.

    Going by what you wrote about your mother maliciously (re)inventing your existence, like your grades or your interest in boys, i feel like that was also an attempt of forcing a conditioning on you to change who you are to someone who would please her.

    At least thats the impression i got. Maybe i projected my experiences of conditioning in this, i just see similarities to my life: my father screaming at me for hours for not being ,,good enough”, my mother supporting this by not intervening and making me feel like he was right, my first ex-girlfriend physically and verbally abusing me when i didnt do things she wanted me to do and my second ex hating me for not being able to save her.

    I thank you also for your kind words regarding my values!

    As i am diagnosed with DID relating to ptsd i am interested if you are as well, if you are okay with sharing about that.

    I will ask my next potential therapist as you suggested.

    If i may ask, you shared a lot about the process of trauma-related fragmentation or ,,breaking” of ones personality following trauma and your own steady progress of understanding this process as a part of your life. How are you generally doing in that regard? Do you feel like piecing yourself together while still generally trying to grow as a person will have an end? (At least speaking about yourself?) Or do you see it more as a life-long obligation to yourself, no matter if you are ever ,,finished”?

    Ed

    in reply to: Depressed after leaving toxic relationship #403108
    Ed
    Participant

    Dear anita,

    Thank you again for more insights. I will wait for your second post before i answer as to not let things get confusing.

    Ed

    in reply to: Depressed after leaving toxic relationship #403103
    Ed
    Participant

    Dear anita,

    after reading about the role of my primary caretaker i will have to think hard about what that means for me, like how many and which parallels there are.

    Thank you for clarifying what i got wrong about your experiences. I just got the impression that your mother was kind of playing games with your feelings exceeding just hating or hurting you. Like you said in posts before, she would also use her mask/ persona to seem loving to you (good food, caring when you were sick) and then crush your hopes to enjoy your pain. By saying ,,becoming part of her anima” i was inaccurate, i thought more of her accepting you as a meaningful part of her life, not seeing you as a plaything. I guess one could see that as a push-pull dynamic? Which i guess made it even harder for you to think and feel straight. Ive experienced some similar situations so i was interested if these were comparable. If youre uncomfortable writing about this, please tell me of course.

    Regarding therapists i sadly cant share anything specific, my next appointment will be with a specialist without web-presence. If you have general advice id like to hear your most important pieces.

    I used to value my ability to be empathetic and to be brave enough to accept criticism and grow with it. I dont know if these were ,,good” values, but i was proud of them because i worked hard to achieve them. After being alone and secluding myself for most of my time in school i chose to explore my understanding of emotions to be a better friend for those who wanted to connect on a deeper level. Criticism used to make me feel like trash, but later i discovered that if i would better myself, i could feel proud of myself for growing. After my recent experiences in the relationship i kind of lost connection with those values, them feeling burnt out in all the confusion about myself.

    Ed

    in reply to: Depressed after leaving toxic relationship #403035
    Ed
    Participant

    Dear anita,

    I guess what you wrote about the relationship with my mother reflects into my relationships with women in general? Because of what about the experience with my mother you gave, i guess i can see parallels regarding my romantic relationships.

    Thank you for explaining your own experiences again. I slowly understand how you developed your realisations about them. So if i understand correctly, you understood that you were objectified by your mother? Just the way you said that she didnt SEE you as a person, a daughter, a loved one and more like a nuisance which wasnt worth dropping the facade and wasnt worth becoming part of her anima?

    I understand what your offer of help means now. I will share information about candidates. Sadly the last ones i visited were problematic, one straight up started blaming me and the other one wanted me to drop my medication. I will keep your advice about competency in mind.

    Values is an interesting topic, considering my struggle my with self-worth, i can see the irony in this. But i understand why you feel the connection between meaning and values.

    I hope youre having a nice weekend with pleasant temperatures for your walks.

    Ed

    in reply to: Depressed after leaving toxic relationship #403030
    Ed
    Participant

    Dear anita,

    In my life i have been and still am needed a lot by different people, my mother included. While there is joy to be found in helping others its still a lot of pressure. As i said i dont want to need people, i want to want people in my life and i want to rely on them. Like when im asking for help i want to be supported and when im not asking for help i just want to feel accepted the way i am. If i really need people i have been hurt and disappointed so much that i realised that needing people can kill you. I want to need myself and i want to have people in my life that i can rely on, because ive run enough into knives you didnt know were there. I know this sounds kind of harsh, how do you feel about this?

    How did you overcame your intense feelings of loss and pain regarding your mother? Acceptance as a process? Time?

    I thank you for your offer to help me regarding finding a therapist. I dont really know what you mean by that?

    You are right, i have trouble regarding meaning and purpose right now. Before i was content to just live and feel free and let the future and its challenges show me the way and enjoying the good things i had in my life. These days im struggling to find meaning in the things i experienced, in myself or future in general. Could you explain your thoughts about that topic a bit more?

    I also have to add that my feelings and thoughts have changed over time. Especially since i found someone who was really interested in listening to me in a personal manner, not judging me and giving the most helpful advice and perspectives in years (you of course).

    Ed

    in reply to: Depressed after leaving toxic relationship #403017
    Ed
    Participant

    Dear anita,

    Thank you for your clear words. What you wrote fits what i experienced and the things my therapist at the time told me.

    I remember a conversation i had with her, she asked me if i needed her and i said that there are moments in which i do, but i would never want to need her because that would be unfair and cruel to her. She replied with a confused ,,but i need you”.

    I really miss her and the good times we had. In some way i wish that i would be the one who fucked things up, so that i could recognize what i did wrong and be better and start again. But i slowly understand that its not that simple and how she treated me just killed me over time.

    It really hurts that she hated me, but when i think about it i realise that this would explain so much.

    I just miss her and what we used to be so much.

    You are right with your theory, not exactly the way you theorised, but each time i slowed things down, moving in together, marriage etc., she would get upset and distance herself more and more from me.

    I still feel like i did everything wrong, like if i had been kinder or stronger or if i had less mental health issues i would have been a better partner. But this is my depression and ptsd speaking i guess.

    I am trying to find a therapist.

    Thank you again and i hope you are well.

    Ed

    in reply to: Depressed after leaving toxic relationship #402983
    Ed
    Participant

    Dear anita,

    I am sorry for venting so much. Answering your last questions just brought up a lot of feelings.

    I hope i didnt digress from the things you wanted to talk about.

    Ed

    in reply to: Depressed after leaving toxic relationship #402982
    Ed
    Participant

    I am just struggling to understand where and why things went wrong. How we started as a couple all people around us were jealous of and went to her gaslighting me, telling lies about me to people we both knew, how she started accusing me of only using her for sex after i begged her for months to talk to me about herself again and her shitting over my feelings. Like for example one evening i asked her to just stop telling me about all the great things she would do with her new friends for just this evening. I wanted to enjoy cooking with her and spending good time together just the two of us like we used to. She said ,,okay” and an hour later she pulled out her phone to show me photos of her latest adventures. When i asked her why she did that she said that she wanted me to be happy for her; the background being that i told her honestly how happy i was for her that she had a good time with new people the first 5 times she showed me the same pictures.

    in reply to: Depressed after leaving toxic relationship #402980
    Ed
    Participant

    * i just loved the way she would laugh at dumb jokes. how she told me things would be okay when i had a bad day. how grateful she was when she didnt know what to do and i helped her out. i admired her bravery when she opened up about her past or moved on to change things about herself or her appearance.
    she didnt make me complete or whole or happy by herself, but having her in my life just made me feel special and i was so grateful to have someone so ,,perfect” in my life and her saying she loved me.

    in reply to: Depressed after leaving toxic relationship #402979
    Ed
    Participant

    Dear anita,

    ,,so the first Fantastic year was one in which she was Intensely Depressed?”
    her state of mental health wasnt evident at first. while i knew that she was struggling with something, her depression became apparent around half a year into the relationship. later on she would be diagnosed with borderline personality disorder and/ or co-dependent personality disorder.
    was i wrong to want to be with her? should i have broken up when these issues became clear?

    ,,reads like the first year was fantastic for you even though she was intensely depressed and jealous because she talked about her feelings with you in a respectful way, not in a way that threatened or distressed you (?)”
    yes. i felt valued and respected as she opened up to me.

    ,,Can you tell me more about what was Fantastic in the first year with her?”
    the time we spent together felt great, it didnt matter if we went out to meet friends, went on a date or spent the day just the two of us. we could talk hours about random stuff, our experiences or things we both enjoyed. the sex was great. as time went on and her mental health became more of a topic i admired her strength with which she would fight on for herself. we made plans for the future and talked a lot about what we both wanted to do in our lives. as for me, i just felt valued for the first time in my life, when she used to be deeply interested in me as a person. i also couldnt help but feel hopeful about all the promises she made to me about ,,always loving me”, ,,never lying to me” and so on. even though i had to slow things down a lot, for example her wish to move in together, it still felt good as a compliment.

    this relationship never had a chance to work, right?

    Ed

     

    in reply to: Depressed after leaving toxic relationship #402956
    Ed
    Participant

    Dear anita,

    thank you again for writing so much.

    ,,you intellectually know that your sense of self worth, aka self-esteem, should be strong and healthy… but it is not.”
    yes, this is true, depending on the context. i am not really struggling with low self worth/ self-esteem (i dont hate myself), its more like a constant state of confusion, if that makes a difference.

    ,,you are vulnerable when women/people treat you nicely, that you feel undeserving of it and all too willing to do whatever they want.. to overaccommodate them?”
    yes i am vulnerable to that. while i dont really feel undeserving, i have observed myself being overly accommodating. i dont like this behaviour in me but again my confusion pushes me too often keep ,,indicators” of my worth in my life.

    ,,maybe she was .. nice to you in the first year, maybe she had reasons to be nice?”
    i have thought about that a lot and it really hurts. in the first year i managed her through an intense depression and supported her finding a psychiatric clinic, a therapist and a new job while encouraging her to find new friends after she lost all of her old ones. i dont know how to feel or think about this question.

    ,,it reads like you grew up emotionally neglected or ignored; unattended to, unacknowledged either positively or negatively?”
    yes, my childhood was physically and emotionally abusive, just like the relationship before this last one.

    ,,She knew that you suffered from depression and ptsd, and yet, she took the time to make a hate-list and hand it to a chronically depressed and traumatized person: this is her true face, her anima, post dropping her mask, her persona.”
    this hurts bad right now.

    ,,I am sure that you had peaks at her true face way before she dropped her mask to such an extent that you noticed”
    a therapist i saw recently asked me the same question. and yes i did get peeks at her anima before. it was just difficult to put these moments into perspective. for example in the first year she would talk with me about her jealousy and fear about me cheating on her, but that was fine with me because this showed that she reflected about herself and cared enough to talk about it in a respectful manner. but with the decline of the relationship these talks of reassurance slowly turned into straightup accusations when i wouldnt tell her beforehand that i was going to see friends or family on days we spent separately.

    while i cant help feeling sad for what you went through in your personal struggles, i really admire the confidence with which you can talk about it now and share your insights. ,,I took it way less personally when other people didn’t pay attention to me, when they liked other people more than they liked me.” i also really admire how proud of you sound of yourself when i read this.

    thank you for sharing the concept of persona and anima, it really helps putting impressions and experiences into perspective. this and your concept of the garden of eden are powerful metaphors i will keep in mind.

    Ed

    in reply to: Depressed after leaving toxic relationship #402913
    Ed
    Participant

    Dear anita,

     

    Thank you for inviting me back to the conversation.

     

    After talking with friends and family and reading your posts again i came to understand what my blanket was. While i know what my worth is, i am unable to feel it. So when somebody gave me ,,worth”, i would use this external validation as my blanket. And even when somebody treated me badly, it was at least a statement about me and so i would prefer that to being without any indication of my worth.

     

    I dont know yet what this realization means for me, but i know that this and me feeling like i was failing my ex was the reason why i held on to the relationship, even though the ,,love” my ex gave me was gone, or as you suggested, was never really there.

     

    If i may ask, how did you feel after understanding that you had no part in ,,losing” your mothers love?

     

    Because, i feel ashamed right now about me failing myself.

     

    You mentioned that you would like to express more on the topic? Please feel free to do so when you find some time, i really do appreciate your insights.

     

    Ed

    in reply to: Depressed after leaving toxic relationship #402763
    Ed
    Participant

    Dear anita,

    Thank you for your input and taking the time to write so much. Just in case, dont feel pressured in any way to reply quickly.

    I like your analogy with the garden of eden. Reading about your experiences and your perspective resonates with the things i experienced and it hurts like hell.

    I will reflect on the blanket and my tinted vision in my past. I think i see myself in your words about not wanting to believe things you already know are true or false.

    I will try following your suggestion about replacing blame with empathy. And you are right about not losing something that was never there.

    Thanks again for being here and sharing about your own experiences, it really did help me to get a new perspective.

    Hope you are doing well.

    Ed

Viewing 15 posts - 46 through 60 (of 61 total)