So, it’s been nearly four weeks since I found out my ex was seeing someone else and three since we last spoke. I have cried every day and night and I’m still struggling to sleep (its 4am as I type) but still keep on doing positive things, I have had a job interview which seemed to go very well and I have possibly found a really nice place to live as well (I’m temporary with my parents since my last episode)
I have been on aikido training courses and began to teach again and even participated in a spartan race, I’m still not back at work as I have been signed off by my dr as I’m meant to be on nights but that will hopefully change next week.
Despite all this she is still in my thoughts through all of this, even when I’m busy, its almost like I’m being haunted by her and the fact she chose someone else over me.
The fact that she was also my best friend who I would talk with all the time whenever I had a problem is also a great lose.

I know things will get better, I still have a lot of healing to do, the weekends are the hardest as I know that she is with him but I do want her to be happy as I have so much love for her despite the pain.

It would be nice to have a respite just for a while.

One of the major issues Im dealing with apart from not being with her is that she did stick with me for so long and through so much, I left her for long periods of time after each breakdown and she was devastated and heart broken, she lost her job through being unable to work due to the pain and then having to take a lower paid job when she finally felt well enough again.
When the Aspergers first came to light she got all the information she could find, trawling the internet,reading books,trying to find a way to make us work, but it was my fear of being labeled and what it meant about me as a person which made me avoid dealing with it, which also added to my anxieties and triggering another Aspie breakdown.

When I finally did start to do something about it all it was too late, she had soooo much love for me and now it has suddenly gone like a light being turned off, my sense of timing couldn’t be worse, and I feel responsible for the situation I’m in.