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Elle

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  • #346940
    Elle
    Participant

    Hi Brynna- I am glad my story resonate with you (or sad to hear…guess it’s a catch-22 there!) I know exactly how you feel. If I can give anyone any advice is that I would wait until you’re completely emotionally calm and have understood how you feel and are confident in yourself before reaching back out. I understand when you’re alone it hurts the most, but keep in mind it’s still fresh (4 months isn’t that long) and everyone in the world, including yourself, is feeling lonely and scared because of this pandemic and it’s easy to resort back to comfort. I would tell you to wait before reaching out. Wait until you feel like you’ve fully figured yourself out and what went wrong, because there is a strong chance of rejection (even if you think it’s meant to be on your end) and you will need to be fully ready to bounce back from that and accept it for what it is if it happens. Not to be a debbie downer, but just protect your heart! I realized that I was simply lonely and putting my ex on a pedestal and I was only able to see that once I gave myself a long, long time to heal.

    #336226
    Elle
    Participant

    Hi Singing Soul,

    How funny it is to be sitting here, replying to the post I wrote 4 years ago when I was in such a dark place.

    The long story short is: I can finally say that I’ve healed. There’s no magic formula, nothing I specifically did, and no new boyfriends since. All I can say is time heals all. I’m sure that’s not the response you were hoping for, but I’d say 2.5 years after my senior year of college (so sometime in 2018) I finally realized that thinking about him, or us for that matter, didn’t hurt. The only thing I can attribute that to is time. While he was with his new girlfriend (they have since broken up) I was so hurt. But after a while of seeing them together, sickened with the fact that they were happy and I was alone, the pain started to get less and I was distracted by my own life. Focus on yourself. I haven’t dated anyone since him and I’m happy to say that I’m single, living in New York City with a great job, have a great group of friends.

    I am so sorry you’re hurting. I know how painful it is and how it can effect your entire life. Here’s my advice to you:

    1. Don’t drink too much. I found myself getting emotional when I drank and starting to think unreasonably about us and how good we had it. Take care of your body and go for a long walk if you’re feeling sad or anxious.

    2. Stop looking at pictures of him and his life. No really….stop. For me, this was like quitting a hard drug. It hurt to look but for some reason I couldn’t stop. Cut them out of your life. Even go as far as set reminders for yourself once a week.

    3. Just know that what is meant to be for you, will be. If someone had told me this when I was at my low, I would tell them to eff off. But really. I know for a fact I put my relationship with this man on a pedestal and he is not who I am meant to be with. Sure, he is the most recent man who has loved me and vice versa and it’s hard to move on from that, especially when you don’t have a new person in your life to distract you. Ultimately it is up to you. Give it time, and what is meant to be will come to you. Don’t rush it, you will heal when your heart is ready, but in the mean time focus on yourself and not him.

    I am proud to say I pulled myself out of a dark place and back onto my feet all by myself. I know you can too. Give it time, be kind to yourself and know that what is meant to be is meant to be. There’s someone out there for you that will not make you think twice about this man.

    Lot of love,

    Elle

    #94291
    Elle
    Participant

    TriangleSun,

    Thank you for your response. You’re very right. I did what I felt was right in the moment and I can’t blame myself for doing that. It just hurts knowing that I miss all the things that I never considered before I ended things. I have to trust myself that I made the right decision and that it was for the best at the time. I do understand that I should leave him be with this new girl. But I’ve never experienced more pain than seeing these two do things together that we used to do. I’ve had friends tell me it’s not the same as when we were together, but it doesn’t matter. The point is he’s trying to use her to fill the void that I left and it hurts so badly. I wish it was easier to say “if he’s happy, I’m happy”.

    Anita,

    Thank you for your response. I have never seen myself as someone who was afraid of the intensity of love but you may very well be right. It was very hard for me to fathom that someone loved me that much and it did freak me out that someone was willing to do anything for me. I’m not the kind of girl who likes guys that play “hard to get” but it definitely threw me off that I was with someone so loving and willing to be so vulnerable around me. I think it was a lot for me to handle and on top of that we were in a bit of a funk with our physical relationship and I think just bored overall. Instead of ending it I should have talked to him about it to try to work through it instead of running away in fear and guilt. I see that now. Unfortunately, now is too late and I don’t want to be a home-wrecker and interfere with him and this new girl.

    I want more than anything to run over to his house and tell him how I feel but I am so scared of rejection and the thought of him shutting me down because he’s happy enough with this new girl. I know he still has hidden feelings for me and remembers how good we were together and our inside jokes but I don’t think he would ever open up to me again. I’m trying my best to move on but it’s hard knowing that I’m the one that ended a perfectly healthy relationship out of fear and boredom.

    Elle

    #94017
    Elle
    Participant

    Once again, thank you for replying

    • This reply was modified 5 years, 7 months ago by Elle.
    #94015
    Elle
    Participant

    Dear Anita,

    Thank you so much for getting back to me. I really appreciate it.

    I do understand that it wouldn’t be wise to try to get back with him. Especially since he’s seemingly happy with this new girl and I don’t think he would have any problem shutting down my attempts to rekindle things, whether it be out of spite or fear of being hurt again. It’s just extremely hard knowing that I caused the breakup and that now I whole-heartedly regret it. At first I thought it was because I was lonely or because of this new girl, but I genuinely think I miss him as a whole person.

    As for the medication, it was just a birth control that I was only on for three months (including the month I broke up with him) before realizing it wasn’t right for my body. It made me irritable, depressed, lazy, extremely negative, annoyed and killed my libido (which also caused a huge rift in our relationship). He would try to be intimate or sweet and I would just be annoyed and angry and most of all, extremely extremely distant. I’m not saying that this birth control was the sole reason for me feeling like I fell out of love, but it definitely clouded my judgement when it came to deciding whether or not to break up with him. I can’t help but think there wasn’t a good reason at all and I missed an opportunity with an absolutely amazing guy.

    As for life circumstances, I was just starting my senior year in college and going out to bars with my friends and having fun. This might have clouded my judgement of wanting to feel free and independent. He always encouraged my independence and life outside our relationship. So thinking back on that now, it doesn’t seem like a logical reason to break up with him.

    The relief of breaking up with him was because I felt so guilty not feeling the same way as he felt about me towards the end of the relationship. I felt like I was dragging him along when I didn’t feel as passionate or affectionate as he did. He was falling more and more in love with him and suddenly I was feeling distant, maybe for the reasons above, maybe not.

    Elle

    • This reply was modified 5 years, 7 months ago by Elle.
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