Thank you, Anita.

I feel as though I am programmed in a sense with mothering. It is very difficult and I am trying my best, but I am hard on myself. I do not know how to play with my daughter or be a kid. I also see triggers in myself where I get upset about something small and I feel myself start to shut down. I do my best to not let my daugther see this, but it is discouraging. I love my daughter enough to spend the rest of my life trying to be the healthiest and happiest person I possibly can to ensure she never suffers the same way. My daughter’s father is emotionally stable and comes from a stable home, he has a successful career and he is a loving father. He and I do not always get along and I do not feel he does what is best for me at times, but he is good with her and I have no doubts that she is happy and well cared for when she is with him.

I feel my mother has destroyed me in a lot of ways. I feel I suffer from some learned helplessness. I am frustrated at the things I want to change, but can’t be changed easily. The things that happened as a child that affected me and I didn’t even realize it until too late in life. My need to be loved and to be validated. I have chased unhealthy relationships for most of my life. My anxiety, depression and self sabotage are mentally and physically draining. When I was not in a co-dependent relationship, I was searching for someone who would love me. This is the only way I felt whole or felt any sense of identity. Now that I am completely alone, it is necessary, but it is very confusing. I do not know who I am unless I am taking care of someone else. That is what has always given me purpose.

I went through a period of extreme guilt and shame when I first went no contact and now I just feel confused. There is so much of my childhood that I knew she was wrong and what she was doing was wrong and yet she continued. I hate that she will never acknowledge it ever, or that she will never allow me to have those conversations with her. It leaves a whole that I can’t fill. No matter how angry and furious I am, I will always wonder, I will always have questions because she is my mother. The bond is probably somewhat comparable to stockhom syndrome as I have read.

I work full time and I go to school full time. I almost have my bachelors and intend to continue to masters after. It has been a difficult task at this stage in my life, but I am really hoping that education is freedom and that I can and will be able to remain away from my mother as long as I am able to stay stable in my career. My mother never once encouraged me to go to school and anytime I told her it was hard she encouraged me to quit. I do not have a ton of extra time, but I am sure that there are places I could meet. I signed up for meetup. I just have to go. That’s the hardest part.

I do yoga, meditation, I excersise, journal and I do affirmations and I am in therapy. However, I still feel hopeless and I still feel like I do not have more good days than bad. I struggle with depression and handling my emotions. I don’t want to keep wasting my life feeling the way I have been feeling, but I know there is no quick fix. I know there is no magical answer. Right now, this helps. Typing out my story and just knowing someone is listening. It helps to know that I am not alone.

Thank you again, I really do appreciate it. I hope this answers your questions. I apologize for being away. I go through the same cycle when I do not have my daugther on the weekends. I spend a great deal of time missing her, then I finally get around to doing things and then the weekend is halfway over.

I hope you are enjoying the weekend wherever you are. -Carrie

Anita,

Thank you so much for responding. Your response to someone else’s post led me to this forum to begin with. It took me awhile to post anything, but I am glad I did.

I agree, I have to stay no contact. I have only ever considered possibly letting them back in if I became mentally strong enough to be immune to the toxic behavior. I don’t think that will ever happen and even if it did, I cannot risk my daughter being brought into it. That doesn’t take away the pain though, but it will take time. I am in therapy now. My therapist gently told me today that I had a long way to go. I am very very angry at what has been done to me that I cannot get back. I am already struggling as a mother because I was never shown what it means to be a good mother. My daughter’s father is very stable and he has a very good family. I mourn not being able to give her those relationships with my family, but I know she will have strong healthy bonds with him and his family.

In regards to new relationships, to give you some background, I moved to this area so that my daughter could be closer to her father. We did not work out and now I do not have friends in the area. I have struggled deeply with her father moving on, but I want to be at peace with it. I find myself being bitter, but I do not want to seek out a new relationship for that reason. I want to be okay being alone. The kind of relationships I would like could be with my neighbors, or just meeting a new friend at the library. I tend to isolate and not talk to people due to anxiety and fear of rejection. I think I know I just have to make a leap at some point and reach out to people.

Thanks so much for taking the time to read and respond to my post.-Carrie