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Carrie

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  • in reply to: Moving on #370087
    Carrie
    Participant

    Thank you, Anita.

    I feel as though I am programmed in a sense with mothering. It is very difficult and I am trying my best, but I am hard on myself. I do not know how to play with my daughter or be a kid. I also see triggers in myself where I get upset about something small and I feel myself start to shut down. I do my best to not let my daugther see this, but it is discouraging. I love my daughter enough to spend the rest of my life trying to be the healthiest and happiest person I possibly can to ensure she never suffers the same way. My daughter’s father is emotionally stable and comes from a stable home, he has a successful career and he is a loving father. He and I do not always get along and I do not feel he does what is best for me at times, but he is good with her and I have no doubts that she is happy and well cared for when she is with him.

    I feel my mother has destroyed me in a lot of ways. I feel I suffer from some learned helplessness. I am frustrated at the things I want to change, but can’t be changed easily. The things that happened as a child that affected me and I didn’t even realize it until too late in life. My need to be loved and to be validated. I have chased unhealthy relationships for most of my life. My anxiety, depression and self sabotage are mentally and physically draining. When I was not in a co-dependent relationship, I was searching for someone who would love me. This is the only way I felt whole or felt any sense of identity. Now that I am completely alone, it is necessary, but it is very confusing. I do not know who I am unless I am taking care of someone else. That is what has always given me purpose.

    I went through a period of extreme guilt and shame when I first went no contact and now I just feel confused. There is so much of my childhood that I knew she was wrong and what she was doing was wrong and yet she continued. I hate that she will never acknowledge it ever, or that she will never allow me to have those conversations with her. It leaves a whole that I can’t fill. No matter how angry and furious I am, I will always wonder, I will always have questions because she is my mother. The bond is probably somewhat comparable to stockhom syndrome as I have read.

    I work full time and I go to school full time. I almost have my bachelors and intend to continue to masters after. It has been a difficult task at this stage in my life, but I am really hoping that education is freedom and that I can and will be able to remain away from my mother as long as I am able to stay stable in my career. My mother never once encouraged me to go to school and anytime I told her it was hard she encouraged me to quit. I do not have a ton of extra time, but I am sure that there are places I could meet. I signed up for meetup. I just have to go. That’s the hardest part.

    I do yoga, meditation, I excersise, journal and I do affirmations and I am in therapy. However, I still feel hopeless and I still feel like I do not have more good days than bad. I struggle with depression and handling my emotions. I don’t want to keep wasting my life feeling the way I have been feeling, but I know there is no quick fix. I know there is no magical answer. Right now, this helps. Typing out my story and just knowing someone is listening. It helps to know that I am not alone.

    Thank you again, I really do appreciate it. I hope this answers your questions. I apologize for being away. I go through the same cycle when I do not have my daugther on the weekends. I spend a great deal of time missing her, then I finally get around to doing things and then the weekend is halfway over.

    I hope you are enjoying the weekend wherever you are. -Carrie

    in reply to: Moving on #369895
    Carrie
    Participant

    I feel a very sick and twisted bond with my mother that makes me ill. What you say makes sense. Though the thought of her and thoughts of my childhood trigger me, I still find myself looking at her pictures or digging through old texts or emails. I am mostly just very confused and looking for answers and I am mourning a relationship that never existed. I also still question myself. It sounds like you have probably felt all of these things. I am very sorry she hurt you. No child deserves to be abused. A mother is supposed to love you unconditionally and be the one person who will support you and be there for you no matter what.

    I don’t understand why mother’s, women, people, why or how anyone could harm their child, but especially a mother. I know you are right. I know you are right about “there is no immunity of a daughter to her mother’s toxic behavior” and that “it takes a long healing process to remove that toxicity from one’s brain.” It hasn’t even been a year for me. Take your time responding, but if you want to share anything more about your story, please do. I have a very long journey ahead and I appreciate the support. I will probably step away for the evening after this, but I very much look forward to reading your next post. Thank you-Carrie

    in reply to: Moving on #369888
    Carrie
    Participant

    Anita,

    Thank you so much for responding. Your response to someone else’s post led me to this forum to begin with. It took me awhile to post anything, but I am glad I did.

    I agree, I have to stay no contact. I have only ever considered possibly letting them back in if I became mentally strong enough to be immune to the toxic behavior. I don’t think that will ever happen and even if it did, I cannot risk my daughter being brought into it. That doesn’t take away the pain though, but it will take time. I am in therapy now. My therapist gently told me today that I had a long way to go. I am very very angry at what has been done to me that I cannot get back. I am already struggling as a mother because I was never shown what it means to be a good mother. My daughter’s father is very stable and he has a very good family. I mourn not being able to give her those relationships with my family, but I know she will have strong healthy bonds with him and his family.

    In regards to new relationships, to give you some background, I moved to this area so that my daughter could be closer to her father. We did not work out and now I do not have friends in the area. I have struggled deeply with her father moving on, but I want to be at peace with it. I find myself being bitter, but I do not want to seek out a new relationship for that reason. I want to be okay being alone. The kind of relationships I would like could be with my neighbors, or just meeting a new friend at the library. I tend to isolate and not talk to people due to anxiety and fear of rejection. I think I know I just have to make a leap at some point and reach out to people.

    Thanks so much for taking the time to read and respond to my post.-Carrie

Viewing 3 posts - 1 through 3 (of 3 total)