I can definitely say that even though my parents are still together, we had some rough moments 7-8 years ago. They always wanted what was best for us, and we always had everything, because thankfully, we have money, enough to have everything but not enough to be spoiled that much. We were never greedy or spoiled like rich kids. We never wore or have the need to wear brands or have something like that. But my relationship with my father was always difficult. He is a man that wants everything under his control, if I do/act/say something opposite of his opinion, there was always that dissmisive, angry approach and being mad for days not talking to anyone at home. We always had to get good grades, there was scolding, yelling if they were weaker than a 4. With us, the maximum best grade is a 5. We were also punished very often, if we did something that was not a rule. He knew how to hit us, yell, and I was not allowed to bite, I had a curfew until 12 o’clock until I was 18. He was very strict with us, and it’s okay to some extent because I grew up to be what I am today, with very good habits, I’m not spoiled and I’m not a lazy person. I always tried hard, I studied, I got a lot of awards and successes. But now all of that is taking a bit of a toll because my perfectionist in me is starting to get disappointed with the life I have right now. I feel like I haven’t achieved anything and like I’m nowhere right now, and I’m 27 years old. Now my father is starting to nag about getting married, grandchildren, and the like… I feel that pressure again, according to his expectations. The relationship he has as a husband with my mother was also not the best. He doesn’t accept criticism, he gets angry if he is criticized or given advice, he goes to work and sits there for days angry, he doesn’t talk to anyone. We also had a moment 10 years ago, very dramatic, where they fought a lot with shouting, pushing, that he was going to leave, even that he was going to kill himself and I don’t know what. From that moment on, I think my attitude towards him changed a lot and I can’t stand him. Whenever he tries to hug me, and he knows how to drool when he’s in the mood, it’s uncomfortable for me and I just want to get away. I run away from his closeness now, because I find him very repulsive. No matter how hard I try, I can’t fix it. Sometimes it’s hard for me, that I’m like that, but it comes to me unconsciously and I don’t even know how to fix it. My mother is the person I can trust the most, but she also always ran after my father, she heard, and she always had a very strange approach with us, we couldn’t be completely open, she never talked to us about sex, illnesses, boyfriends, relationships, as if it were taboo and shameful. She always has a certain amount of distrust towards us even though we never did anything stupid with my sister. I can say that I have never had such a close, beautiful relationship with my parents as some have. I can’t sit down and talk to them for even 15 minutes, everything they do annoys me, the sounds they make, the way they communicate. And I run away, I just sit in my room.

I’m sorry it’s like this, but I don’t know how I can fix it… Maybe I’m one of those people who functions better if they’re away from their homes… But at the moment I live with them, and I don’t know what step to take to get my life going. I feel very stuck at the moment, everything is gray and confusing, I have no idea what step can move me forward.

This makes a lot of sense! Do you have any practical advices how to move forward and work on this?

Thank you for all your kind words. I know that I may repeat myself, and it’s getting annoying, but there is something that is constantly making me sick, and those are the intrusive thoughts that I know have no meaning, don’t change anything for me, but keep coming into my mind and stopping me from functioning in daily life.

Thoughts like:
1. Where is he right now?
2. Is he with someone new?
3. Is he thinking of me?
4. What if he is so happy that he is single and he is living his life out there?
5. How will I cope when I see him somewhere?
6. What if he is back with his ex?
7. How can he move on so quickly?
8. What if I don’t find someone else?
9. What if I always fall into the trap of people like this?

When these thoughts come up in my mind, my stomach feels awful, I am getting sick, and I cannot even eat, breathe, sleep, drink, or anything.

Update from what happened after I wrote the first post: We talked and somehow made up…The energy was very calm, and even though we didn’t talk about how to practically solve everything, we somehow continued… Those 2 weeks, he “tried” being a good boyfriends, trying to fix things that had been bothering me, like:
-asking me how I am
-What am I doing? How am I doing
—> things that I think are nothing to TRY to fix, those are something that should be normal and flowing in a relationship. Even though he tried doing these things, he just asked, so they are asked, and I still felt like he didn’t do it because he wanted to.
Also, invited me to a standup comedy concert and let me invite some of my friends who have never met. They came, but the tension I felt with him:
– going behind us, like he doesn’t want to be seen with us
– sitting and constantly looking to see if there is someone we know nearby
– not being very talkative or trying to get to know them more
And then… after these days, on Thursday (07th August), we arranged to see each other because that weekend I was going on a trip. He was busy the whole day, and he went to a football training, and he would have come in front of my home at 10:30 PM. It was not necessary, but with everything going on, and knowing that we do not have quality time AT ALL, and I am always the last to see him, even for 30 minutes, I felt frustrated and triggered again. I don’t know why, but when he finished training, he asked me if I should come home now? And I wrote to him anyway. I don’t know why I wrote that, I just felt that way at the time because I felt so neglected, always left at the end, when he was too tired from the day and only had a little time with me. And naturally, he got angry at that, and said I was going home. My way of dealing with these problems is that I write and talk a lot, and I started writing to him that he never has time for me, that he doesn’t know how to set aside time just for me, and he spends time with everyone else all day, and naturally it came to that point, where we talked on the phone and he told me that he couldn’t do it anymore and had no desire to continue this relationship at all. He also told me that for the past 3-4 days he had really tried to fix some of the things I had asked for and that I didn’t know how to wait even 1 week for something to start getting fixed. I have to argue. He said that he would have used his psychic energy for something else. Also, something that really hurt me was the following sentence: I EVEN DID IT, AND I ALLOWED YOU TO CALL YOUR FRIENDS TO CALL US TO THE STAND-UP EVENT, AND YOU’RE ARGUING AGAIN? I don’t understand, what kind of deviation, that should be a normal thing in a 5-year relationship! And in the end he told me that if I had been understanding, patient, there would have been no one like me, I would have been perfect. But I think I’m just patient and understanding. Because someone who isn’t patient won’t put up with this, always on their terms, views, rules, and if I hadn’t been understanding, I wouldn’t have WAITED 5 years for him to be ready! This whole argument made me feel guilty that I had ruined it again and that maybe if I hadn’t done this on Friday, we wouldn’t have ended and he would have tried to fix the relationship. Since then, he hasn’t asked me out at all, so it’s a complete end.

Thank you so much for giving me all these answers. It hurts so much, and I understand every word you are saying.

I’ve been carrying this heavy guilt ever since my breakup, and the “what if” questions keep spinning in my head like a broken record. What if I hadn’t said anything? What if I had been “better” to him? What if I hadn’t gotten triggered or upset? Could I have saved the relationship if I had just stayed quiet or tried harder?

It’s exhausting because on one hand, I know I was expressing real feelings — I was asking for connection, for time together, for basic respect after years of feeling like I was always chasing scraps of attention. But on the other hand, every time I raised my needs, he said I wasn’t “understanding” enough, and eventually it led to him breaking up with me. Now, I’m left questioning myself deeply.