I feel like shit. I’m so nervous, angry, frustrated and it’s not sadness, it’s exhaustion. I just gave up. I hate everything that’s happening to me, from my ex-long-term relationships that were shit, to losing a lot of my friends when I came out to say what I felt and fix the problems I thought we had, and when I set boundaries and was honest, I lost them, to how I’m always the black sheep at home and they don’t understand me, and I hate myself for suspecting that maybe the problem is all in me and that I’m playing the victim and I don’t know how to act differently. I don’t know where I’m going in life. I’m 28 years old, my family expects me to do something glamorous with my life, but I do it, everyone has expectations for me and I don’t know where to start. I don’t know what I want, I don’t know where I’m going, I don’t know how I imagine my life, I don’t know where to start, I don’t even know how to achieve what I want, everything seems unattainable to me.

This last situation with my ex finally made me truly realize something that I’ve known for a long time, but only now have I actually accepted it and let it sink in that it’s true.

Six years.

I could understand if it had been two months, or even six months, while he figured out how to tell his friend about me. But six years? It’s absurd to hide someone for six years. In that amount of time, people get married, have children, buy apartments, take out mortgages, build lives together. And I was still waiting for him to make our relationship official.

When you really think about it like that, it’s terrifying.

I’m so sad that it turned out this way because I lost such a big part of my twenties with him. I still can’t believe there were moments when I was standing right there and he introduced me as “just a friend,” or I’d sit quietly off to the side while they talked about weddings or girls as if I wasn’t even there. I always spoke up when something felt wrong, but in the end I was always the one who was blamed. I was “crazy.” It wasn’t like that. He wasn’t hiding me…

I still can’t believe that he managed to convince himself that was true.

I’m deeply sorry things happened this way. I genuinely believed I wanted us to work and that I could build a life with him. But if there’s one thing I remember, it’s that I always felt alone in that relationship.

Lonely. Sad. Frustrated. Jealous. Like I wasn’t enough. Desperate. Insecure.

I don’t know how I kept allowing that for so many years. That’s not what a partner is supposed to make you feel. That’s not what a relationship is supposed to be. That’s not what life is supposed to be.

Why would I keep suffering for someone who openly told me, over and over again, that we couldn’t be together, that we weren’t compatible? Someone who watched me cry and did nothing. Someone I begged three different times not to post pictures with his ex, yet he still did it because he was worried about what other people would think if they noticed the two of them weren’t on good terms anymore.

How miserable is that…

And no, I don’t think I’ll ever understand how he could look at me with so little regard that he allowed himself to treat me that way.

I think this subject has been analyzed and talked to death over all these years. The only thing that was ever missing was real action—something lasting that would actually change things. And in this case, there was only one possible action left:

The end.

Sadly.

Another thing I’ve been thinking about is my other ex—the friend of my most recent narcissistic ex—the one who was supposedly the reason we couldn’t have a public relationship.

I dream about him all the time. In my dreams I’m looking for him, trying to get back together, feeling like I miss him, like I need him. Then I wake up with that heavy feeling that makes me romanticize everything and return to those memories.

I feel like I had a much deeper emotional and romantic connection with him—the kind of connection I’ve always wanted from a partner—even though I know romanticizing the past is just my mind trying to comfort itself.

That relationship was incredibly difficult too. Back then he was emotionally cruel to me in many ways. He neglected me. We were simply much younger…

But there was also a side of him that was emotionally open, gentle, affectionate, and romantic with me.

Still, I constantly remind myself that we tried literally countless times, and it never worked. That wasn’t the right relationship either.

And yet… I still dream about him.

I think what I really miss is love itself. I miss tenderness, physical touch, having someone who’s there for you, who understands you, loves you, and takes care of you.

My brain keeps forgetting that he may not even be the same person anymore. Even if we got back together, nothing might be the way I imagine it. He could disappoint me all over again.

And then something completely unexpected happened that helped me finally put a seal on everything I’ve been struggling to let go of with my most recent ex.

There’s a man I’ve known of for years, but I’d never really noticed him or spent time with him. Over the past few months, though, we’ve gradually gotten to know each other.

I’ve developed a little crush on him.

Four days ago we met in his office at work and ended up talking for about forty minutes. There was some kind of spark. After that we started texting.

I’m being very careful, and honestly I’m scared.

First, because even though I know life doesn’t follow rules or perfect timing, I don’t know if I’m doing the right thing or if it’s too soon.

But at the same time, I don’t feel like I just walked out of a traditional breakup where everything suddenly ended overnight.

I’ve been alone for years.

I’ve spent years analyzing, grieving, processing, and working through this relationship. The only thing that was left was for the breakup itself to finally happen. Emotionally, most of it ended years ago.

All these years I’ve been alone anyway.

It’s almost as if I’d already been single.

I was hidden. I did activities by myself. We had separate friends. I went to birthdays, weddings, and events alone. I wasn’t really part of his life.

That’s why I don’t feel like the usual “rules” about moving on apply to me.

It doesn’t mean I’m going to marry this person tomorrow.

He simply brought me a little joy and hope. He reminded me that my fears about never finding a partner aren’t as dark and hopeless as I’d convinced myself they were.

He reminded me that I can actually feel free.

That I can exist without carrying such a heavy weight all the time.

My body has been living in a constant state of stress and survival for so long.

Yeah! That would be lovely. Thank you for your input.

Hi.. hello… hi… again haha.

I honestly feel like I’m breaking inside trying to understand what was real and what wasn’t. We were still together up to this point.

Whenever I tried to explain that I felt hurt, disconnected, or insecure, the conversation almost always turned into a discussion of how I was “too much,” “jealous,” “dramatic,” or “creating problems.” Instead of leaving those conversations feeling understood, I usually left feeling like my emotions were the problem.

What makes this so confusing is that I don’t feel like my anxiety appeared out of nowhere. It grew over years of feeling emotionally neglected.

One of the biggest things was that our relationship was a secret for all six years.

He explained that one of our mutual friends is also my ex-boyfriend, and he wanted to be the one to tell him himself. He kept saying he was waiting for the “right time.”

I understood you wanted to handle that conversation yourself at the start. If this had lasted a few months, I probably wouldn’t have thought much of it.

But six years passed, and the “right time” never came.

We weren’t married. We didn’t have children. My previous relationship had been over for years and there was nothing left there. Yet somehow our relationship still couldn’t exist openly.

After six years, it stopped feeling like “I’m waiting for the right moment” and started feeling like I was being hidden.

Whether that was his intention or not, that’s how it felt to me. It made me question my place in his life and slowly damaged my sense of security.

As the years went on, there were so many smaller moments that kept reinforcing those feelings.

He would suddenly tell me he was already in another city or already out with friends after we’d been texting all day, instead of mentioning his plans beforehand. It happened enough that I stopped feeling like I was naturally included in his life.

Whenever I brought this up, I wasn’t asking him to ask permission to go anywhere. I just wanted to feel like his partner instead of someone who found out after everything had already been decided.

When we were together, he was often emotionally unavailable. Sometimes he’d spend our time on his phone, say he was tired, fall asleep, or simply not engage with me. If I said I felt distant from him, he’d often tell me he couldn’t deal with the conversation “right now.”

One moment that really broke me happened just before we ended things.

He invited me over to his apartment before football because he wanted to see me. I rushed there because I was excited to spend time together. But when I arrived, he lay down on another bed, barely talked to me, spent time on his phone, and kept saying he didn’t feel well.

I told him I felt so emotionally distant from him and that I really needed some reassurance—a hug, a kiss, even just hearing “I love you.” I wasn’t asking for a grand gesture. I just wanted to feel close to him.

Instead, nothing happened.

A while later, the first thing he asked me was whether I would go buy him a toast because he was hungry.

I said no.

Not because I didn’t care that he felt unwell, but because after years of putting my own emotional needs aside, I couldn’t ignore them one more time. I needed, for once, for my need to matter too.

The argument ended with him calling me selfish because I wouldn’t buy him food while he felt sick. From my perspective, I’d spent years feeling like every time I needed comfort, reassurance, affection, or emotional presence, there was always a reason why it couldn’t happen right now.

Whenever I cried, he rarely comforted me. More often, he became frustrated, withdrew, or told me we were simply incompatible.

From his perspective, I’m exhausting. I’m too emotional. I create conflict. I don’t appreciate what he does. He says a relationship should bring peace, and that I’m the reason it doesn’t.

From my perspective, I spent years fighting for what felt like basic emotional connection: communication, reassurance, affection, and feeling chosen.

Now I’m left wondering if I really was impossible to love, or if I slowly became anxious because I spent years feeling emotionally unsafe.

I know I wasn’t perfect. I know I became reactive, emotional, and sometimes suspicious.

But I genuinely believe those reactions came after years of feeling hidden, emotionally dismissed, and constantly having my needs postponed.

Now it’s over, because he cannot put up with my bullshit and nagging. He also said that a relationship should make your life better and healthier, and that’s true, but he never did those things with me; what a hypocrite.

And I’m grieving not only the relationship, but also questioning my own reality.

Was I actually asking for too much? I am still spiraling, and affecting me so much mentally to imagine him with someone else. I can’t let go because I imagine he would be perfect for someone else. It makes me sick. I also can’t function when we are not together. It feels like I am an addict. I can’t seem to understand the “future and his girlfriend” problem and how to solve it. It affects me A LOT.

I’d really appreciate honest outside perspectives because right now I don’t trust my own judgment anymore.

I can definitely say that even though my parents are still together, we had some rough moments 7-8 years ago. They always wanted what was best for us, and we always had everything, because thankfully, we have money, enough to have everything but not enough to be spoiled that much. We were never greedy or spoiled like rich kids. We never wore or have the need to wear brands or have something like that. But my relationship with my father was always difficult. He is a man that wants everything under his control, if I do/act/say something opposite of his opinion, there was always that dissmisive, angry approach and being mad for days not talking to anyone at home. We always had to get good grades, there was scolding, yelling if they were weaker than a 4. With us, the maximum best grade is a 5. We were also punished very often, if we did something that was not a rule. He knew how to hit us, yell, and I was not allowed to bite, I had a curfew until 12 o’clock until I was 18. He was very strict with us, and it’s okay to some extent because I grew up to be what I am today, with very good habits, I’m not spoiled and I’m not a lazy person. I always tried hard, I studied, I got a lot of awards and successes. But now all of that is taking a bit of a toll because my perfectionist in me is starting to get disappointed with the life I have right now. I feel like I haven’t achieved anything and like I’m nowhere right now, and I’m 27 years old. Now my father is starting to nag about getting married, grandchildren, and the like… I feel that pressure again, according to his expectations. The relationship he has as a husband with my mother was also not the best. He doesn’t accept criticism, he gets angry if he is criticized or given advice, he goes to work and sits there for days angry, he doesn’t talk to anyone. We also had a moment 10 years ago, very dramatic, where they fought a lot with shouting, pushing, that he was going to leave, even that he was going to kill himself and I don’t know what. From that moment on, I think my attitude towards him changed a lot and I can’t stand him. Whenever he tries to hug me, and he knows how to drool when he’s in the mood, it’s uncomfortable for me and I just want to get away. I run away from his closeness now, because I find him very repulsive. No matter how hard I try, I can’t fix it. Sometimes it’s hard for me, that I’m like that, but it comes to me unconsciously and I don’t even know how to fix it. My mother is the person I can trust the most, but she also always ran after my father, she heard, and she always had a very strange approach with us, we couldn’t be completely open, she never talked to us about sex, illnesses, boyfriends, relationships, as if it were taboo and shameful. She always has a certain amount of distrust towards us even though we never did anything stupid with my sister. I can say that I have never had such a close, beautiful relationship with my parents as some have. I can’t sit down and talk to them for even 15 minutes, everything they do annoys me, the sounds they make, the way they communicate. And I run away, I just sit in my room.

I’m sorry it’s like this, but I don’t know how I can fix it… Maybe I’m one of those people who functions better if they’re away from their homes… But at the moment I live with them, and I don’t know what step to take to get my life going. I feel very stuck at the moment, everything is gray and confusing, I have no idea what step can move me forward.

This makes a lot of sense! Do you have any practical advices how to move forward and work on this?

Thank you for all your kind words. I know that I may repeat myself, and it’s getting annoying, but there is something that is constantly making me sick, and those are the intrusive thoughts that I know have no meaning, don’t change anything for me, but keep coming into my mind and stopping me from functioning in daily life.

Thoughts like:
1. Where is he right now?
2. Is he with someone new?
3. Is he thinking of me?
4. What if he is so happy that he is single and he is living his life out there?
5. How will I cope when I see him somewhere?
6. What if he is back with his ex?
7. How can he move on so quickly?
8. What if I don’t find someone else?
9. What if I always fall into the trap of people like this?

When these thoughts come up in my mind, my stomach feels awful, I am getting sick, and I cannot even eat, breathe, sleep, drink, or anything.

Update from what happened after I wrote the first post: We talked and somehow made up…The energy was very calm, and even though we didn’t talk about how to practically solve everything, we somehow continued… Those 2 weeks, he “tried” being a good boyfriends, trying to fix things that had been bothering me, like:
-asking me how I am
-What am I doing? How am I doing
—> things that I think are nothing to TRY to fix, those are something that should be normal and flowing in a relationship. Even though he tried doing these things, he just asked, so they are asked, and I still felt like he didn’t do it because he wanted to.
Also, invited me to a standup comedy concert and let me invite some of my friends who have never met. They came, but the tension I felt with him:
– going behind us, like he doesn’t want to be seen with us
– sitting and constantly looking to see if there is someone we know nearby
– not being very talkative or trying to get to know them more
And then… after these days, on Thursday (07th August), we arranged to see each other because that weekend I was going on a trip. He was busy the whole day, and he went to a football training, and he would have come in front of my home at 10:30 PM. It was not necessary, but with everything going on, and knowing that we do not have quality time AT ALL, and I am always the last to see him, even for 30 minutes, I felt frustrated and triggered again. I don’t know why, but when he finished training, he asked me if I should come home now? And I wrote to him anyway. I don’t know why I wrote that, I just felt that way at the time because I felt so neglected, always left at the end, when he was too tired from the day and only had a little time with me. And naturally, he got angry at that, and said I was going home. My way of dealing with these problems is that I write and talk a lot, and I started writing to him that he never has time for me, that he doesn’t know how to set aside time just for me, and he spends time with everyone else all day, and naturally it came to that point, where we talked on the phone and he told me that he couldn’t do it anymore and had no desire to continue this relationship at all. He also told me that for the past 3-4 days he had really tried to fix some of the things I had asked for and that I didn’t know how to wait even 1 week for something to start getting fixed. I have to argue. He said that he would have used his psychic energy for something else. Also, something that really hurt me was the following sentence: I EVEN DID IT, AND I ALLOWED YOU TO CALL YOUR FRIENDS TO CALL US TO THE STAND-UP EVENT, AND YOU’RE ARGUING AGAIN? I don’t understand, what kind of deviation, that should be a normal thing in a 5-year relationship! And in the end he told me that if I had been understanding, patient, there would have been no one like me, I would have been perfect. But I think I’m just patient and understanding. Because someone who isn’t patient won’t put up with this, always on their terms, views, rules, and if I hadn’t been understanding, I wouldn’t have WAITED 5 years for him to be ready! This whole argument made me feel guilty that I had ruined it again and that maybe if I hadn’t done this on Friday, we wouldn’t have ended and he would have tried to fix the relationship. Since then, he hasn’t asked me out at all, so it’s a complete end.