[quote quote=422936]dated this man on and off for almost 9 years. We had a year of no contact and never thought I would see him again, well I was wrong. Earlier this year in January/Feb I ran into him at Costco. Didn’t think much of it and thought it would be the end of that but we started to have phone calls which lead to meet ups, to opening feelings…however I was always defensive and had doubts of trying to rekindle a relationship again. I knew deep down I didn’t want to. Reason why we broke up was due to him of lying, gas lighting, deceiving me about porn, following and liking TikTok videos of women with inappropriate content. He was so frustrated that he deleted the app in front of me and put the reason of leaving was because “of girlfriend”. He denied watching porn but for some reason I always had a gut feeling he was. I can’t describe it. Well two months later I was scrolling TikTok and saw a video that resembled his blanket and coin collection and right before I was going to forward the video to him and tell him that this poster has the same stuff as him, I soon realized it was him! my heart shattered and I soon started investigating his content and followers/likes…. it was all the things I have suspected. I confronted him and he tried to deny it and delete it immediately but I already screen recorded everything since he likes to make me feel crazy and denies everything. well when we started again (earlier this year), he admitted he was addicted to porn. (he is also addicted to smoking) which they both equally have the same stimulus to the brain. But at this point he is getting ready for surgery since he has a brain tumor and claims that he deleted TikTok the end of last year and didn’t want to watch porn anymore. well down a couple of months he admitted that he did slipped and watched porn here and there but didn’t want to continue in that rabbit whole. after months of hell trying to gain trust, developing a strong foundation.. I still had a gut feeling and he was getting frustrated because he didn’t know how to prove to me that he was changing… ive had access to his phone a couple times. The first time I couldn’t remember the password due to my friend adrenaline, 2nd time he figured out he left his phone in my car and the third time he left it in my car and I knew I was going to access it no matter what… and I did. long story short, we were at a grocery store and I took his phone from my car and went to the nearest bathroom, I literally took 35-40 min in there trying to maneuver his android (since I am an iPhone user). he ended up opening the women’s bathroom door to see what was going on. I told him that I would be out soon. 1st red flag was that his google search etc were all paused so no trace of anything, I went through is photo album and saw some weird things about him but whatever nothing new. I then went to his email and bam… I saw that earlier this year when we started talking again he had saved videos of girls from 8-16 years old dancing seductively on TikTok and sending it to his email. which confirmed that feeling I had. I had dreams before we broke up that he was masterbating to porn a lot and I would ask him if he was and denied. after we broke up, I also had a dream that he was in his room and my daughter was on the bed and he was exposing himself. Not sure why I had that dream because it was very random, but that feeling of waking up always stayed in me and made me question things if he would be capable of doing such act and if he found younger girls attractive… I was molested growing up and he knows my stories…. but knowing all this…… I ended up giving his phone back and called him a pedophile which he is and of course he started denying it. he said ” why would you say that?” ” this can’t be” but you guys should have seen the look in his eyes… I was shattered because never in a million years did I think he was capable of pedophilia. he may be pervert but not that… but I guess that’s what happens when a 37 year old man has a TikTok and addicted to porn. so now, I have to figure out to process my emotions. my number one priority and will always be is to protect my 13 year old at all cost. I don’t care about the feelings I had for this man, screw him. I need to forgive myself. I have the biggest “ick” when I think about him.[/quote]

There isn’t really anyone to talk to about this but God, himself and my mother.
I had a really hard break down about an hour ago. Im praying for strength. It physically hurts…
Thank yo Anita, for responding. I highly appreciate your kind and encouraging words.
My flesh can be so weak sometimes, I hope this passes sooner than later.
I’ve always had bad experience with men my whole life…. sucks how when you really thought you find someone who is almost the “ideal” one to be with, gets ripped out of my life… I don’t know why this is happening… but i know God’s will overcomes mine. If this is what He has planned for me…. I guess I am going to have to be still and take it. Hurts immensely…
God always wins…