Hi TeaK,

I used to have low self-confidence that I could not do anything without my parents, but ever since I started university in another country, I believe in myself more as I am more conscious about my study habit, expenditure, and living overall.

Alright, I’m going to discuss this with my therapist in the upcoming session.

Thank you and hope you have a good day.

Hi TeaK,

Hope you are doing well today and thank you for your time to respond to my question. You are totally right and my therapist agrees with this. I had a long session with her yesterday, even though I had a hard time recalling all the memories I had in my childhood, my therapist was patient enough to ask me some long questions.

I think I knew where my abandonment issue coming from, this is due to the trauma left behind when my parents were busy working and providing necessities since we were not rich, I felt emotionally neglected. Also, when I was still in primary school, my mom would make a mock exam a day before the real test and I had to get a high score from her. There were a number of times when I could not answer my mom’s tests and she would throw a fit, e.g. yelling, throwing the book to my face. She would apologize after this by giving treatment or cooking some warm meals. I guess I am accustomed to this behavior, but deep down, I was mostly afraid I would be neglected again if I’m not smart enough.

As I grew up, I tried to emphatize my parents, trying to understand my parents were still young when they had me, and working hard might add some stress as well. I could not blame them for these.

I think, for now, I am trying to parent my inner child that, ‘I’m safe and my parents will never leave me behind.’

Oh, and my childhood friend abandoned me a year ago, we just talked yesterday after she found my social media. We agreed to have a phone call this weekend when we are not busy with work and school.

Thank you again.

Hi Anita,

Hope you are doing well today too.

Thank you for your post. I will take my time to read this after work and get back to you again.

Hi Anita,

I feel better, thank you.

In regards to my lashing out, I did not call him names, or threatening him. It was more demanding from my side, i.e I said, ‘why is it so hard for you to pick up my calls, and I was incredibly selfish to actually hope you could come even though you are sick, and I was upset as well with your disappearance act yesterday night.’

The next morning when I re-read again my texts, I could not help but to blame myself since my texts sounded angry.

You are so right, he is a man who likes quiet and peacefulness. But, I am different, I am very vocal about my feelings, any conflicts arising, or even any slight thing that bothers me.

In these past weeks, I was blaming myself quite a lot for not controlling my emotions better.  I talked to my family and counselor about every single thing, they told me to be kind to myself and accept every human being has their own flaws. Even though I kept myself busy and tired throughout the period of January, my mind was busy with the heartbreak.

I had to admit maybe I was the coward one, I could not stay at my rented house for a whole week since every nook and cranny reminded me of him, I could not watch my favorite shows, I could not eat properly, I could not be myself anymore.

Journaling and encouraging words from my friends hugely help me to process and accept this breakup.

I have something to ask, do you still it is still okay if I cling to the hope of him coming back one day?

Thank,

Felis