Dear Anita,

I still can’t believe how you take time to reply to all of our threads with such patience and detailed attention and care. I do help my friends as well despite me seeing tough time mentally in my own life but you are something else. Taking this much time for strangers on the Internet- I feel like world is prospering only coz of people like you.  You are the greatest example for thr beauty of human connection . You have such a big heart and you are the most beautiful perona i have come across in my life. I have been following forums for years now and you never fail to amaze me..the mere acknowledgement (whether I like it or not) itself is a big gift to someone who is suffering.  God bless you.

Dear Anita,

Thank you so much for reading my story and patiently and genuinely trying to help me. I will try to answer all the above in this thread .

About L: What I meant by falling for him – I was very naive not knowing many things even after my marriage despite studying and earning well, i later found that age has nothing to do with maturity or general knowledge, I used to treat him like a brother when he spent time with us as a family, his did tell he was married (as there was no chance for him to hide this matter) but never told us that he was having problems with his wife neither his wife was pregnant at that time who was living in a diff city, He used to live in the city me and my husband was and used to spend a lot of time with us as he worked mainly here. He used to be very playful with me and I treated him like a brotherly figure and family friend when he told me not to call him a brother I thought I should not force it and stopped it, never in my dreams did I think he was interested in me romantically, maybe he was fed up with his wife and finding peace by spending time without family and in that process secretly liked me, I was just being very genuine and trying to help him|9(along with H) thinking he was having a tough time in his married life.  I genuinely wished he gets patched up with his wife(and unborn baby) etc. But slowly, he crossed borders with me and I stopped talking to him, but somehow he emotionally manipulated me (a big story).   the point I want to make is that knew what he was doing being much older than me but I did not know what I was doing or feeling as I never fell in love nor did I know much about the intimate things of a marriage like sex. So maybe I was unknowingly falling for his advances and since there was already an emotional bond btw us it grew beyond friendship and my feelings got cemented for him.  Later convnced me that I would not be able to live, my life peacefully as he was in my heart by then. Please note that this all happened 10 years ago and I had no idea what decision-making even meant… Our relationship was built on many micro lies (like him wantedly hiding his age and disclosing it despite there being several chances)..Anyway, I continued loving him despite all that..

About myself: I in the process of loving him over the years grew up into a mature woman and realized that he was not fit for me but I never thought about leaving him or go away from him, I fought against all odds and stood for him but could not do few things like moving I with him(for the second time) or get pregnant according to his timeline in the past which created so many difference btw us. I’m a well-educated and self-confident person which partially might be the reason for many fights as I never was submissive to all his requests or started questioning back on his wrongdoings. I don’t have any doubts about my self-worth as I’m very strong financially and emotionally- as in I’m independent. but the only problem I see in myself is that I’m melting for him at every stage.  I never regret loving him as I strongly believe love is love no matter what and even I felt happy for him when he got married thinking maybe he would settle down despite him breaking my heart.  Turns out it is a rebound relationship as expected. he has been an extreme person since the start of our relationship.

L is not like me – yes he loved me but he is a bit radical at every stage and moreover cunning and has less moral values. (with all due respect and love for him)

the only radical thing I ever did was walk out of marriage for him as I could not fake myself after getting submissive to another man. I was someone who thought that if someone man touched me I should not continue my marriage, back then I didn’t know what a real relationship meant or anything like that. Had I known I would have sat with my family and husband and told them what all happened. Anyway no regrets about loving L, I am telling this only with the guilt of doing wrong to my husband.

Even though L has done so many wrong things to me and my life, I’m still accepting him in my heart. It’s not even a matter of self-worth, I have several good men in my life who genuinely want to be in my life, I have earned well, look pretty(if I may say so ), and string financially and emotionally but why do I’m unable to kill my love for L and endlessly stuck in L’s loop..,im not even trying to unlove L as its not possible but why I’m melting for his requests every single time..