Home→Forums→Relationships→I feel lost and helpless..
- This topic has 17 replies, 4 voices, and was last updated 1 week, 6 days ago by anita.
-
AuthorPosts
-
November 19, 2024 at 8:34 am #439478Rising FlowerParticipant
Hi,
Please do not pass harsh judgment or comments as it may break my spirts further. I’m trying my bets to find courage to post this.
Long story short, I was married in an arranged setup (which was common in our communities) in my late twenties(now I’m in late 30s) as a naïve girl who never was into any kind of relationships to a very nice guy who is very kind and caring. I never had any issues with him nor I had any major problems with his behaviour or the relationship as perhaps i was still finding my way into relationship/marriage etc. Within less than 2 years of my marriage I fell for a family friend who was having access to me and my family, i wouldn’t say I was trapped or anything but it was an emotional manipulation I feel or realised later(more on this below), but I admit i loved him no matter what and stayed true to myself. So I walked out of my marriage for him against my parents and all well wishers though I initially hidden the fact that it was for someone I loved out of marriage. I sacrificed all my good life and invited troubles into my life with this unusual thing any girl could ever do in our community.
Let’s call my husband(who is an ex now as H) and my lover ‘L’.
I had so much of guilt for doing so to H as he had never mistreated me but years later I realised probably it was ok to not feel for someone even though you are married and my therapist told me that probably mu heart was still open and so L could utilise that as opportunity and made me fall for him. L was a married man then though who was separated form his wife which we were not aware initially and also he was our friend so we didnt have any bad intentions or me expected any emotional threat from him. So he used to sepnd a lot of time with us and probably liked me as well and showed lead in luring me to fall in love with him. Please note that i’m not saying that its his mistake but he told me several lies which i came to know later but somehoe adjusted within myself that he did all these with ‘love’ on me.
Anyways once I moved out with L faced so much guilt and pressure within my family and friends not knowing what to tell them and also began to face issues with ‘L’ either him not liking with whom i speaking or me postponing planning for kids as I was not still divorced and i felt like it was total injustice to do it that soon. so we used to have many fights over these timelines mismatch to a point i fell into deep depression . Having failed all my attempts to tell him how pressurised i was feeling , I decided to move to my family house tempoaraily(we also had to vacate the house we were living in and i didnt have any emotional strength to search for a new property, also L was leaving house whenever we had a fight with extreme anger issues which made me feel v unsafe as i never lived on my own in my life back then) , so these caused more anger and he started neglecting me while I hope we could still be a couple until i come back to him after a small break. Overall his love made me feel like he loves me so much but it was me who is not hinouring his requests and hence he was angry with me and there was no other problem. But deep down I knew he was not right for me(as i kept on getting matured emotionally) and that it was me with a plain love herat took an emotional connection tis far in life by leaving behind everything good I had in life but anyways i stayed true to my heart and decided that i need to be with him only despite how he was treating me.
In the meanwhile, I found L started searching for othe rmarriage proposals as i was not coming to him and ready to bear a baby until my divorce was done(I was not delaying divorce wantedly but I was all on my own without any family support and back then it was very big thing for me to apply for divorce and all as i was very naive and also cudnt do all things in paralle as i was receiving shocks of mistreatment fro L and became emotionally paralysed toa point i kept few things away. Never in my dreams I delayed divorce to keep my husband as backup option . I was really shocked to learn about L searching for other marriage proposals and still asking me in paralle to come and live with him.I felt so shocked and went into deep depression that how could a man for whom I scarificed my whole life do like that etc and asked him the same, the answers he gave me further put me away from him and i became numb and started taking theraphy. But i never lost in touch with hi but always replied to his calls metings and all commu saying that I was mentally upset and taking theraphy(which probably meant nothing to him as his goal was to get married soon , he is much older to me which he has hidden from me intially and we had a fght and the first thing that shocked me in the relationship, not that he was old but the fact that he bluffed me on this was so painful anyways i excused him for so many things as im someone who do anything for friends and people i love.
One fine day I learnt that he was married!!!!! and sent him a response( as we were still in touch talking abt our relationship fixes etc upt to that point) that i was partially shocked that instead of fixing our relationship with the concerns i was asking he chose to marry someone just for the sake(there is a name for this kind of relationships i think), he said that his marriage would give space for me to fix my marriage(????) as my husband must be waiting for me(i have never gone back to my husband after i came out of him but my parents tried to reconcile it intending good things and also H was L friend and he said probably he did a wrong thing luring me into relationship just coz i was confronting him and giving tough time with genuine questions on the probles in our relation, also not honouring his request to bar pregnancy soon etc)
I cried and understood that world can be very cruel and all people dont need to love the same way i did and continued healing myself with more therapy, I finally shaken my head and acquired my divorce despite my husband accepted me despite all this mess as I knew I was not ready to accept any other man and cannot do justice to them with my broken and unhealed heart.
almost 10 days into L marriage, he began to mail me describing how big of a mistake he did by marrying a random girl just to come out of some spider web kind of deadlock situations etc since i was not ready to come to him and also asking himm questions on few wrong thing he has done etc, he was kind of telling me that i will be the last person in his life and that this marriage was the biggest mistake he has done and i also have a part in it and that i didnt stop his marriage knowing him searching for other gals etc. this gave me so much mental on how he was projecting his marriage as my mistake and stayed calm, but few more mails from him and an unexpected meet (believe me it was never planned) changed the game for me and made me melt for him again!!! rememebr i never unloved him nomatter what but i didnthave any intentions to go behind a married man so i was continugin my healing journey, now he dont want to stay with his wife with whom he says he never gelled since day 1 and even now he says he wants to break that marriage but needs time. i said its upto him if he wants to break his marriage but im fine to excuse all his blunders accept him back only if he cut all ties and that accept that its his own decision and i have no part in it. Love for him never left me..
All these events happened over a course of almost 10+years and I’m still here standing as a broken woman who had every good thing in life but ended up like this, he is still working on a plan to break his marriage which nevr started in the first place but i’m starting to get a bit impatient and feeling very irritated with my inability to move away from him and still love him genuely lile i did always. You may judge me saying I’m breaking another woman’s marriage and I’m matured enough to leave him if he wants to be with his marriage but he never was and kept on mailing me sine day 10 of his marriage and i only responded very late after several threads of communication. He even asked me for a baby in the meanwhile telling that we are running out of time and that his divore will take a long time, i rejected his request big time and i didnt want to enter into more complexities than i was and also felt like its a cruel thing to do to his wife(like how i thougt for my ex-hus initially) so he should take divorce or atleast separate to take things forward, i donno if its good or bad I ended up conceiving by accident and he requested me to keep it as he is v fond of kids but I also kind of justified him saying that we are aging and that we will keep this baby depsitr all odds, I ended up miscarrying and took it as a signal from God somehow despite all the pain it gave me , I genuiely accepted to kepe that baby thinking if i love him i need to honour his request( i have no idea why i keep honouring to his unusual requests all the tim)
Now, why I’m unable to move away from him despite he mistreated me several times despite me excusing him serval times and despite him doing the worst thing of marrying someone even though against his heart,
Why I’m still waiting for him to turn up as he is genuinely taking timeto break his marriage that he never wanted to be in
Deep down, i knew he is bad for me but unable to kill my love for him, please know that I’m ok to go away from him if he is fine in his marriage and im not obsessive for him, i find myself melting my life at every stage for hid and bearing and paying for the cost of his mistakes (if not blunders) in his life…
November 19, 2024 at 8:57 am #439520anitaParticipantDear Rising Flower:
I didn’t notice your thread until just now, a moment ago (Maybe it was awaiting moderation for some time). I will be away from the computer for quite a few hours. I will read and reply when I return. And no worries: no judgment (harsh or mild) from me!
anita
November 19, 2024 at 10:13 am #439525RobertaParticipantDear Rising Flower
Just because we love someone it does not mean that they are a good match & will enhance our happiness & that we should be with them. In what ways do you love him? Is there trust, respect, compassion & support in this particular relationship?
Please reread the thread you have submitted as if it was someone else writing their story, what conclusions do you come to?
Roberta
November 19, 2024 at 4:10 pm #439533anitaParticipantDear Rising Flower:
“Within less than 2 years of my marriage I fell for a family friend who was having access to me and my family, I wouldn’t say I was trapped or anything but it was an emotional manipulation I feel or realised later… but I admit I loved him no matter what and stayed true to myself… Deep down, I knew he is bad for me but unable to kill my love for him”-
– Can you define the words/ terms I boldfaced above, as in giving your personal, authentic, clear, simple-to-understand of falling for a man, of being emotionally manipulated by a man, of loving a man, of being and staying true to yourself; what kinds of things/ people are bad for you, and lastly, what does killing your love means?
Clarity and sensible solutions are in the definitions we assign to the words we use. I hope to read back from you!
anita
November 19, 2024 at 5:48 pm #439534anitaParticipantcorrection: Can you define the words/ terms I boldfaced above, as in giving your personal, authentic, clear, simple-to-understand definitions of…
November 19, 2024 at 7:46 pm #439535HelcatParticipantHi Rising Flower
My condolences, I’m so sorry for the loss of your baby. Please be gentle with yourself while you are grieving.
It sounds to me like you are here because you want help.
You saw your miscarriage as a sign from God. It sounds like you are ready to start facing the process of leaving, even though you don’t know how to yet.
It might not be today or tomorrow. But your heart is broken. Give yourself the time to grieve because this is not easy.
You have a choice coming about your future.
In the past, you made a choice about your future. You wanted to take a chance and choose love, that is a valid choice.
Love needs to be reciprocated. You deserve it and you could still have a chance at that. Real love with respect and care. It just isn’t with him.
Be true to yourself and go on this new journey. You deserve a future of happiness, not a lifetime of being mistreat.
Love and best wishes! ❤️🙏
November 20, 2024 at 12:34 pm #439568anitaParticipantDear Rising Flower:
I didn’t thoroughly read your original post yesterday, but I will read and summarize today (your exact words are boldfaced) before further commenting:
You shared yesterday that your spirit is broken and it took courage for you to post your story for fear of being harshly judged. You shared that in your late 20s (ten years ago), you were a naive girl who never was into any kind of relationships. At that time you were arranged to marry a very nice guy who is very kind and caring (H).
Within less than 2 years of marriage, you fell for a family friend (L). If I understand correctly, L was married but separated at the time, but he didn’t share that piece of information. You fell in love, and being true to how you felt, you walked out of your marriage- against the expectations and norms of your parents, friends and greater community- and moved in with L. Facing stress from without (parents, friends) and within (fights over him wanting to have children with you and you wanting to get divorced first, as well as fights over L’s disapproval of who you were speaking with), you fell into deep depression and being that you and L had to vacate the house you were living in, you moved back to your parents’ home. After a short while, you moved back with L.
You felt lots of love from L, but you also felt his extreme anger issues during fights in which he blamed you for not honoring his requests. At one point (you and L were not living together), L started to look for another woman to marry because you didn’t agree to have a child with him (before getting a divorce from H).
Sometime during that time, you found out that L was older than he said he was, and that he was married!!!!! (a 2nd time, if I understand correctly). Almost 10 days into L’s new marriage, he told you that this marriage was the biggest mistake he has done and he blamed you for not stopping him from getting married.
A short time later, you accidently met him, and you melt for him again!!! At one point you got pregnant by him and miscarried. Currently, he says he wants to break that marriage but needs time. Currently, you love him still: Love for him never left me… still love him genuinely, I did always, you wrote.
“Now, why I’m unable to move away from him despite he mistreated me several times… Why I’m still waiting for him to turn up as he is genuinely taking time to break his marriage that he never wanted to be in. Deep down, I knew he is bad for me but unable to kill my love for him, please know that I’m ok to go away from him if he is fine in his marriage and I’m not obsessive for him, I find myself melting my life at every stage for him and bearing and paying for the cost of his mistakes (if not blunders) in his life..“-
– seems to me that this man, L, represents to you (to your heart)- not a strong man who can help you- but a boy who needs you to help him. Seems to me (and of course, I may be wrong), that in your heart: L is different from H and from other adults you’ve known, controlled adults who follow social expectations and norms of behavior.
L is more like you, and you are like him: a free spirit, perhaps (someone who lives according to their own rules, someone unconventional), someone authentic (a person who is true to themselves and expresses their genuine thoughts and feelings), a maverick (someone who doesn’t conform to the usual way of doing things), someone unpretentious (someone who is sincere, without the need for pretense), someone naive, childlike.. like you are inwardly, if not outwardly..?
Sometimes the social pressure to conform, to obey social norms, kills that element within- the free-spirited child within- so much so, that a hunger is born, a hunger to reclaim that which was taken away (by traditional parents and society). Maybe you and L share this hunger (although unfortunately, the two of you don’t cooperate well in the quest of satisfying this hunger)..?
anita
November 21, 2024 at 11:26 am #439597anitaParticipantDear Rising Flower:
I want to better address your questions in this post:
* “Now, why I’m unable to move away from him despite he mistreated me several times…“?
Possible answers: (1) Emotional attachment can make it incredibly difficult to move away from someone, even when they mistreat you. This attachment is often rooted in deep emotional connections and past experiences that create a strong bond,
(2) The Hope that L might change or finally leave his marriage can keep you hanging on, despite the negative experiences.
(3) Sometimes, a lower sense of self-worth and the fear of being alone can contribute to staying in an unhealthy relationship.
* “Why I’m still waiting for him to turn up as he is genuinely taking time to break his marriage that he never wanted to be in”?
Possible answers: (1) Belief in His Promises: It’s natural to hold on to the belief that L will eventually follow through on his promises, especially if he has been convincing and manipulative.
(2) Emotional Investment: Having invested so much time and emotion into the relationship, it can be hard to let go and start over.
Final thoughts: It is important for you to recognize that your feelings are valid and that you have the strength and resilience to overcome this challenging period. Healing takes time, but taking small steps toward self-care and personal growth, you can create a better future for yourself.
Seeking support from a quality therapist or counselor can help you navigate this challenging situation. Building self-worth, setting healthy boundaries, and surrounding yourself with supportive people can also make a significant difference in your journey towards healing and finding a healthier relationship.
Here is a little poem for you: “Each step you take, each breath you draw, Reveals the courage in your core. For you are more than pain and fears, A soul that shines through endless tears. With every dawn, a chance to start, To heal and mend your precious heart. Embrace the love that lies within, And let your journey now begin.
“For you are worthy, brave, and true, A warrior spirit, through and through. The road ahead may twist and bend, But know your strength will never end. So rise, dear heart, and take your place, With grace and beauty, embrace the space. For you are more than you can see, a Rising Flower”.
anita
November 21, 2024 at 11:31 am #439598anitaParticipant* I didn’t mean for the 2nd question to appear in bigger print..
November 23, 2024 at 2:07 pm #439629Rising FlowerParticipantDear Anita,
Thank you so much for reading my story and patiently and genuinely trying to help me. I will try to answer all the above in this thread .
About L: What I meant by falling for him – I was very naive not knowing many things even after my marriage despite studying and earning well, i later found that age has nothing to do with maturity or general knowledge, I used to treat him like a brother when he spent time with us as a family, his did tell he was married (as there was no chance for him to hide this matter) but never told us that he was having problems with his wife neither his wife was pregnant at that time who was living in a diff city, He used to live in the city me and my husband was and used to spend a lot of time with us as he worked mainly here. He used to be very playful with me and I treated him like a brotherly figure and family friend when he told me not to call him a brother I thought I should not force it and stopped it, never in my dreams did I think he was interested in me romantically, maybe he was fed up with his wife and finding peace by spending time without family and in that process secretly liked me, I was just being very genuine and trying to help him|9(along with H) thinking he was having a tough time in his married life. I genuinely wished he gets patched up with his wife(and unborn baby) etc. But slowly, he crossed borders with me and I stopped talking to him, but somehow he emotionally manipulated me (a big story). the point I want to make is that knew what he was doing being much older than me but I did not know what I was doing or feeling as I never fell in love nor did I know much about the intimate things of a marriage like sex. So maybe I was unknowingly falling for his advances and since there was already an emotional bond btw us it grew beyond friendship and my feelings got cemented for him. Later convnced me that I would not be able to live, my life peacefully as he was in my heart by then. Please note that this all happened 10 years ago and I had no idea what decision-making even meant… Our relationship was built on many micro lies (like him wantedly hiding his age and disclosing it despite there being several chances)..Anyway, I continued loving him despite all that..
About myself: I in the process of loving him over the years grew up into a mature woman and realized that he was not fit for me but I never thought about leaving him or go away from him, I fought against all odds and stood for him but could not do few things like moving I with him(for the second time) or get pregnant according to his timeline in the past which created so many difference btw us. I’m a well-educated and self-confident person which partially might be the reason for many fights as I never was submissive to all his requests or started questioning back on his wrongdoings. I don’t have any doubts about my self-worth as I’m very strong financially and emotionally- as in I’m independent. but the only problem I see in myself is that I’m melting for him at every stage. I never regret loving him as I strongly believe love is love no matter what and even I felt happy for him when he got married thinking maybe he would settle down despite him breaking my heart. Turns out it is a rebound relationship as expected. he has been an extreme person since the start of our relationship.
L is not like me – yes he loved me but he is a bit radical at every stage and moreover cunning and has less moral values. (with all due respect and love for him)
the only radical thing I ever did was walk out of marriage for him as I could not fake myself after getting submissive to another man. I was someone who thought that if someone man touched me I should not continue my marriage, back then I didn’t know what a real relationship meant or anything like that. Had I known I would have sat with my family and husband and told them what all happened. Anyway no regrets about loving L, I am telling this only with the guilt of doing wrong to my husband.
Even though L has done so many wrong things to me and my life, I’m still accepting him in my heart. It’s not even a matter of self-worth, I have several good men in my life who genuinely want to be in my life, I have earned well, look pretty(if I may say so ), and string financially and emotionally but why do I’m unable to kill my love for L and endlessly stuck in L’s loop..,im not even trying to unlove L as its not possible but why I’m melting for his requests every single time..
November 23, 2024 at 2:17 pm #439630Rising FlowerParticipantDear Helcat,
Thank you so much for your kind message, I’m doing ok and trying to manage myself.
You read my heart 100%, I feel helpless and I know all the psychological terms too behind this kind of problem as it has been 11+ years into this relationship and happenings, took countless hours of therapy, did no contact, blocked him, and whatnot..did everything I could do when I was mistreated(its not that I wanted to ever break up but I was tired of him not taking any action towards the betterment of our relationship nor acknowledged any of his mistreating, he was just focusing on moving in with him and getting a baby soon) so I thought I would take a break and mind my life hoping god will unite us if we were meant to be..and that’s what god did again but ….
I have offered help to many of my friends who suffered from emotional dependency, lack of self-worth, codependency, etc so I’m not a new kid on the block in these topics, however, I fail to walk past L..I have everything in life but can’t enjoy anything as I’m never removing past L L. Even if I don’t want to move away from him his circumstances are not allowing him to come into my life soon as well..its like an emotional deadlock ..I do want to be there for him but at the same time I feel like I have done everything I could do for past 12 years and still, I’m not in a good life coz of his extreme actions decisions, and selfish thinking.
November 23, 2024 at 7:29 pm #439634anitaParticipantDear Rising Power:
You are very welcome and I am glad that you posted again. I will read and reply Sun morning (itis Sat evening here).
anita
November 23, 2024 at 11:09 pm #439636Rising FlowerParticipantDear Anita,
I still can’t believe how you take time to reply to all of our threads with such patience and detailed attention and care. I do help my friends as well despite me seeing tough time mentally in my own life but you are something else. Taking this much time for strangers on the Internet- I feel like world is prospering only coz of people like you. You are the greatest example for thr beauty of human connection . You have such a big heart and you are the most beautiful perona i have come across in my life. I have been following forums for years now and you never fail to amaze me..the mere acknowledgement (whether I like it or not) itself is a big gift to someone who is suffering. God bless you.
November 24, 2024 at 5:44 am #439641HelcatParticipantHi Rising Flower
Life is tricky and it is sad when we love someone that it doesn’t mean that a relationship will work out with them.
There must be some good qualities that he has to make you stick with him for so long despite the difficulties?
You mentioned that you are the kind of person who is there for your friends and family. That tries to help them when they have difficulties. Do you feel like this has played a part of your relationship with him at all?
Love and best wishes! ❤️🙏
November 24, 2024 at 12:46 pm #439652anitaParticipantDear Rising Flower:
“I still can’t believe how you take time to reply to all of our threads… God bless you.“- .. I can’t believe the words (your words) that I am reading this Sunday morning, so preciously, uniquely kind: thank you, and may God bless you!
First, a summary of what you shared in the first 3 posts on this thread: in your late 20s, you were inexperienced in relationships and entered an arranged marriage with H. Next, you fell for L, a family friend. This new relationship led to you leaving your marriage. The relationship with L brought external and internal stress, leading to depression. Fights about having children and his disapproval of your interactions with others created further tension. L manipulated you emotionally, telling you many micro lies, as you put it.
Over the years, you matured and became more self-confident and independent, realizing that L was not suitable for you. Despite this realization, you still feel emotionally trapped and unable to move away from the man (L) who continues to mistreat you. You are well-educated, financially and emotionally strong, but struggle with your emotional dependence on L. You feel helpless in breaking free from L’s influence despite recognizing the psychological terms and undergoing extensive therapy. You describe being stuck in an emotional deadlock, unable to move away from L or bring him into your life due to his circumstances and actions.
Second part of this reply is my effort to understand better:
” In my late twenties… as a naïve girl who never was into any kind of relationships… I never fell in love nor did I know much about the intimate things of a marriage like sex… hoping god will unite us if we were meant to be… back then I didn’t know what a real relationship meant or anything like that… It’s not even a matter of self-worth, I have several good men in my life who genuinely want to be in my life, I have earned well, look pretty… but why I’m unable to kill my love for L, and endlessly stuck in L’s loop… God bless you.“-
– You acknowledge your lack of experience with relationships during your late twenties. Despite being an adult, you felt naïve and unprepared for romantic involvement, inexperience with love and intimacy. You held a hopeful and idealistic belief that if you and L were truly meant to be together, God would bring the two of you together.
You mentioned hoping that “God will unite us if we were meant to be“- this suggests a strong belief in divine will and destiny, which can reinforce the idea that your love for L is predestined and unchangeable.
Your statement: “I strongly believe love is love no matter what” indicates a commitment to unconditional love. I think that this belief makes it difficult for you to let go of L regardless of his behavior.
It is possible that your belief in God, Destiny, as well as your commitment to unconditional love are significant contributing factors to your emotional entanglement with L.
If the above is significantly true to your situation, reflecting on how your beliefs about love and divine will/ destiny influence your feelings and actions can provide clarity and empower you to make informed decisions. Consider seeking guidance from a trusted spiritual advisor or counselor who can provide insight and support from a faith-based perspective, and help you navigate the intersection of spiritual beliefs and emotional well-being.
I am looking forward to reading from you again.
anita
-
AuthorPosts