Hi Alibeau.
Thank you and everyone for taking the time to respond. Life really can be trying at times, even though this is really all my own fault. Yes, it takes two to tango, but I could have said no. SIGH. I go to bed at 9:00 pm and wake up at 8:00 am for work exhausted after 11 hours of a completely restless and steepness night, constantly waking up thing about “him”. He said we would never work out anyway because we are too different. He is spiritual and has the attitude of whatever happens, happens. I don’t know, maybe because he’s a guy. I am the crazy, emotional can’t accept that answer. Maybe because I’m the girl. I don’t know, maybe it’s the rejection I can’t take, whereas; if I ended it, it would be a different story. He also doesn’t drink anymore and when I drink the “copious amounts of wine” to drown my feelings he just cannot stand it!!! Period. I was planning on taking “him” out for his birthday next week. Maybe I should just tell him I need to not even see him anymore. But being the whatever happens, happens kind of guy, it probably won’t bother him, so then I will get crazy and emotional again because it will show me he doesn’t really care and I can’t take that. Oh Wow…has this ever fucked me up! I am seeing my psychiatrist next week and am afraid to tell her what I have done…but I guess I should. Maybe she can change my bi-polar medication. Did I mention that? That is part of my up and down all over the map behavior. The other guy does not know that. He just thinks I’m plain crazy. Part of me want to tell him so I have an excuse for my behavior, but that probably won’t change anything. I feel desperate for him to reciprocate his feelings towards me. If he did, it would be so much easier to get over him. I’m chasing something not real, it’s total rejection, the feeling of abandonment, the low self esteem…I cannot handle it. I do not have any skills to stop this self sabotage.
On the other side, I want to work things out with my husband but it is very hard with the turmoil in my head right now.

Hi everyone who has responded. I really am grateful.
I am in therapy but not have told her about this latest thing I have done. I am too afraid. I guess I should. My self-worth has always been low. I blame my mother for all the horrible things she said to me which gave me no self value or confidence. I always judge myself on what I should have said, or did I say it right etc. I beat myself up all the time. I am self sabotaging. I love my husband. At the same time I am not happy, but I really have never been. I don’t know how to love myself. So I go out and do stupid things like have an affair to make me feel worse. Then I cover that up by going to a bar and drinking all night to make me feel even worse. On and on the cycle goes. SIGH!
I am at work now, nice that my office is on a private loft so I can write this and cry quietly at the same time. I should ditch the ex lover because that is more self sabotage but it seems so hard because I have my “I want to be with soandso days”. Of course he doesn’t want a relationship anyway so why do I bother? I don’t know how to just let go. Oh, I am so sick of myself. I just want to start over…fresh and be happy. Maybe I don’t deserve it and that’s why I do all this.