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Danielle

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  • in reply to: Going through a lot of Relationship Anxiety, Please Help. #168666
    Danielle
    Participant

    Absolutely Anita, I don’t trust him. I don’t trust that he’s telling me the truth about the past. There is something that wants me to…. since he finally opened up about things I had no idea about. (I always thought he only told me about the first girl because I FOUND OUT) and it always was uneasy to me to sit and think that there could be others I really don’t have the perfect “situation/time/proof” for. So when he told me it also made me think wow ok so he would tell me things I didn’t even have a clue about. Something in me says…. why would he tell me about those 2 if I had no clue about those and there was more anyways….. like what would that accomplish? Setting us 50 steps back to just go back again later down the road. So something in me tells me he IS telling the truth, but then my anxiety kicks in.

    Skmething you wrote yesterday stuck with me and it was “what did he do that is so bad that he wants to deal with this constant punishment” and it made me automatically think he has cheated. Especially with how his confession went to me. Short story: the girl he had sex with he claimed was the day before a certain event we broke up after the event that night but the day before we were together… so he told me it was when we were together he guesses (because I explained to him the dates) and then 12 hours later he’s like wait… it wasn’t then it was 2 months prior to that day when XYZ happened and then the story made more sense… but I always come back to him and say… how could you tell me you cheated and then realize you dxint… wouldn’t you have been realizing that everyday…. his response I knew I didn’t. I really knew I didn’t. When I was with you I was never put with anyone I was happy yeah I had thoughts maybe I want to be single but I never ever wanted to cheat I would never even go out without you. Still I’m not understanding how you can TYPE and say I guess I am technically a cheater since we broke up the next day to then… wait what it wasn’t even that day. Side note: I messaged the girl on his phone to find out what day it was and she said syllabus week aka the first week of school aka yes it was August not November.

    Then Anita, for you I asked him what you wanted to know. I asked him… why do you put up with me? Why are you an innocent man constantly putting up with being labeled as a cheater if that’s not what you are? You don’t deserve to be questioned constantly if you’re being honest? Why don’t you leave me. And his response: I deserve it. I lied for a long time. I involved 3 girls in our breakup. I lied to your face. I know we havw trust issues right now because of it and I know that eventually when time passes these questions will stop but until then I’m ok with them. They don’t bother me because I know I didn’t cheat. I love you and that’s why I stay. And I know I caused all of this but I promise I am not a xheater. Ultimately contradicting to what you said… he feels that what he did is REALLY BAD. Which I mean to plenty of people involving girls just 1-2 days after a break up 3 times is hurtful… and lying about it for so long makes it 10 times worse & he sees what it’s done to me. He also keeps bringing up that he wouldn’t lie in front of my mom that is so messed up and he told me because he wanted to start fresh and what would be the reason if he was going to still be lying. For that he would’ve just kept those other things. But something else tells me…. why not distract me with the girls when we weren’t together and leave out the one when we WERE together (if there is one)…. but then again, at first he did actually say I technically did cheat if you’re saying we were together that night so if he admitted that (before realizing it wasn’t in October) he would’ve just come forward if he cheated with someone else. I think? I really don’t Know.

     

    in reply to: Going through a lot of Relationship Anxiety, Please Help. #168592
    Danielle
    Participant

    Oh another thought maybe you can listen to is soomwtimes I think… if I’m nice… and he’s thinking in his head I’m lying to her and she’s nice and forgiving me…. then I look stupid and like a fool to him. Does that make sense? It’s like if I sit here and I’m like I love you so much you’re my bestfriend you’re my everything I forgive you. Anne might still be lying…. then I look like an idiot. But at the same time…. this can happen with anyone? A bestfriend a family member. You can be nice and loyal and they can be talking behind your back. It’s life. And I can’t see it that way. Odd? advice? In addition to my previous post.

    in reply to: Going through a lot of Relationship Anxiety, Please Help. #168590
    Danielle
    Participant

    Anita.

    I have thought many times exactly what you are saying. Sometimes I think…. am I abusive? And I freak myself out because I don’t want to be that…. but then sometimes I tell myself is HE abusive? I think it’s a little crazy to lie to someone so much and agree that they need help and constantly reassure someone so much when in fact…. you’re lying to their face and then I sometimes struggle with… is that something I should put up with “is he really as bad as I think he is that I should just leave?”.

    I know I’m young I know this is my first relationship I know it’s a learning process but if you actually think I am the abusive one… how can I change that? How can I not be this monster ? I can say that where I am from my culture I’m Cuban Brazilian that my ENTIRE family is made up of dominant women and the woman is always the one that “wears the pants”. I can say it hasn’t worked out so well my grandma got cheated on my great grandma got divorced my mom was abused and now she is in complete control of the relationship with my step dad but I don’t think their relationship is HEALTHY.

    Are all the mistakes my boyfriend has made and the decisions he’s made partly due to my behavior and my controlling/abusive behavior???

    I know you only know our relationship through this website and not firsthand. But we really are the most affectionate couple on the planet. He is my biggest supporter I am his. I help him with school make his class schedules I constantly motivate him to become what I think he could be and he does the same for me. It’s not all this abusive and nonsense all the time at all I guess it only occurs when I have obsessive thoughts about what he did/lied about/what else there is etc or when I’m REALLY happy with him.

    I don’t want to look back at this relationship and think that I was abusive and didn’t even know really know it or try to fix it. How can I make this change? I told you he is willing to go to counseling alone to figure himself out and why he feels that sometimes he lacks empathy (AKA looking at me in the face CRYING & still lying).

    I just don’t get why no matter what anyone tells me “oh you didn’t need to know” “he did nothing wrong except lie about it” I still constantly think what he did was like the biggest sin in the world and I am a fool for forgiving and letting go of it.

    Also with him changing he doesn’t say it was because of me exactly he says he just realized what was important and that his fooling around and drunk college ways wasn’t going to benefit his future and he wanted to act like a grown man.

    I really don’t want to break up I don’t I really don’t. I want to fix myself and stop my behavior and focus on moving forward and forgiving his indiscretions. And I want him to be healthy enough to have dignity and be an honest man but I also do want him to have equal control when it comes to the relationship.

    Another thing I can add and you can give opinion on is that I take this relationship TOO seriously. I’m not seeing it for what it is… a college relationship. An experience. A time to have fun have a partner and just do a period of time together even if it’s not forever. We had so many fun things planned for this semester and so many exciting things happening and if I could just live in the moment I think I would be SO happy. I feel like I’m seeing this as a marriage, a marriage I’m clearly too young to be in instead of just as a life experience everyone has. Does that make sense?

    in reply to: Going through a lot of Relationship Anxiety, Please Help. #168508
    Danielle
    Participant

    Reading a little bit again. He said the first time he didn’t feel so guilty and honestly he tells me he wouldn’t think about what he did often. It wasn’t killing him inside like it would be to me. Maybe because he’s a man? No clue how they think. I know men avoid drama at all cost and forget their mistakes way easier than women can. I don’t think he thinks what he did was SO TERRIBLE but only thinks it’s SO TERRIBLE because of how constantly I made him feel bad about it or how out of hand it would make me that he started feeling different about it. It also doesn’t help that you know every time he was doing what he did I was home watching TV, crying lol at home alone. Does that help anything not sure? If not back to my post above maybe you can explain a little better!

    in reply to: Going through a lot of Relationship Anxiety, Please Help. #168506
    Danielle
    Participant

    Hmm. I actually have no idea about that I couldn’t even try to explain it a little bit. I would hate to be in his position and I told him recently that if he is still hiding stuff he is never going to be happy with himself and is always going to carry around something and why would someone want to do that? Our relationship will never develope and we will keep moving backwards if I find something out new every couple of months. Why is he scared to be honest about everything at once? Why didn’t he tell me everything the firs time? Why live with guilt? Something I really can’t do.

    He doesn’t know I post online and he’s so private he would probably think it’s a bad idea that I do so I don’t think it’s a good idea if I told him to post. I have some other things I was reflecting on the last couple of hours.

    I think that I am afraid to be happy with him because I focus TOO much of my happiness solely on him. I dread thinking in the present moment what happened in the past or what will I find out in the future to avoid me from being vulnerable and happy, when really…. I have to focus that I AM my own happiness. I think being so consumed the last year on everything but the present is ruining our relationship. I have been since the first wrong doing of his living scared. Scared makes me crazy or controlling and controlling and crazy makes him rebel randomly break up with me and makes him lie (maybe to be back in control???)

    i think I am so controlling and such a strong personality woman while hes passive and submissive and timid with himself that the only thing he feels he has control of his maybe his lies? He’s mistakes? I am not sure. From my understanding and his constant words and paragraphs and emails it was a phase. A phase is all he can call it and a constant unhappiness being together when we first got to college that when he would be single he would feel free and just say “f it” I’m doing whatever I want and I’m not going to think about the consequences.

    My boyfriend agreed that he will go to counseling to talk about why he lies and why he is okay with lying and living with that guilt. I think I’m going to go to our school counseling center explain & then him go to the same person later on.

    can you explain your response post a little easier? I think I am quite confused. If I had a better understanding I could probably answer your questions! Or tell you about his history etc.

    in reply to: Going through a lot of Relationship Anxiety, Please Help. #168456
    Danielle
    Participant

    Anita,

    So I have taken a month off and just want to update you on my life and what’s happened with my boyfriend I would really appreciate it. I’m going to be as open as possible and explain to you every detail he has told me and what I have noticed myself as well.

    I am sure you can remember that I for a while have had relationship anxiety about my boyfriend lying to me about (the first time) he kissed someone while we were broken up for a short amount of time. This first lie caused lots of insecurity in the relationship and I started doubting everything in our first “rough” year of  relationship. I ended up being correct because two other times when we broke up there were 2 girls involved. And that’s that.

    I remember in your last post you share much of the same opinion my grandma has on the duration. She tells me he should have never told me. Which you have taken the side of since the beginning because you said it was not any of my business WHAT he did and I had no business interrogating him and he should’ve left me from how crazy I was acting.

    Now let me explain what my boyfriend has been telling me. Let’s start with my boyfriend’s history. He’s had 2 previous relationships nothing over a year and what he likes to call “jokes” he said he wasn’t in love and it wasn’t serious. His breakups with his ex’s were apparently stupid and they would get back together and then never talk again. Unlike him, I had all my time to be single the first 18 years of my life since he was my first boyfriend. We got into a relationship 5 months after he broke up with his ex aka he never got to enjoy college.

    He says when he got to my college it was a different world. It was fun, he had never had so many friends, and it was the time of his life. He said that his dad would tell him not to settle and just enjoy life. Meanwhile, all his friends were doing just that. Not setting, bringing girls home every night, going out together getting wasted and living “college”. Meanwhile, I was the complete opposite. I had my single crazy time, so we would argue constantly because we were on two separate pages. He was constantly pressured to enjoy college and it didn’t help that I was becoming controlling possessive crazy and honestly just not what a guy would want in a relationship. He says this is what led him to do the things he did when he finally “broke out of the relationship” without much thinking about it.

    He states that he lied at first because he would office that he actually wanted to have a girlfriend and he missed me and if he told me I wouldn’t take him back. He said he knew he loved me but he wasn’t so sure if this was going to ever be passed college because I was crazy and mean but he loved me. I’ll admit it being my first relationship and having a mother that controls my dad a lot I thought that was healthy when it in fact is not.

    Then what I always tell you, my boyfriend says he went through some change of heart and perception. He says that he realized that I was the one and how much he loved me and that he was sick of playing games and he wanted to grow up and be the man for me. And he has kept that promise to me. He says he was scared to tell me and that he didn’t want to be this perfect guy thay he knew he could be and ruin it by admitting to his past mistakes. I know you said someone that isn’t mentally well would only put up with constant questioning but he said he would rather do that than lose me and he had a sense of guilt within him that he didn’t care if I asked or drove him crazy because he knew he had done wrong.

    He said he wanted to be honest with me finally and start this new chapter in our life with only good memories and if we were ever going to get married in the future he wanted that to be based off honesty and not his childish mistakes when his mentality wasn’t made up about what he wanted. He says it knows it wasn’t fair but that he knows he’s changed so much that he didn’t want to live this life without me and he thought if he told me I would leave me. He also says that he saw what the first girl did to me that he couldn’t even fathom to tell me there were others.

    He says he knows he’s a great guy and that I’ll never understand the phases guys go through but that he is so sorry. He even came over and talked to my parents and my little brothers as well. He talked to my mom alone for hours explaining to her how he was so sorry and how he is being so honest and he knows he can be the best man for me. After this conversation my mom told me that I should focus on all his good qualities that are so rare to find in men these days and that I should focus on how he is and how he has been and how I am a very difficult girl (honestly I know I am not easy and I know I haven’t been this best girlfriend and he adores me) I know that man would do ANYTHING for me.

    I really would like to continue my relationship with him and move past everything and now that I think** I know everything just forget it, and even if I DONT know everything to just move forward and focus on today and the future instead of caring what happened 1-2 years ago and just focus on the changed man I have in front of me. But I don’t know how to do that… I know I need to make changes in myself or I’m going to push him away and I know he needs to make changes and really really show me how honest he is with me and how nothing like that is going to happen again and that he is SURE what he wants and isn’t going to put me through that constant uncertainty again..I know he’s so serious about me I mean what guy at 21 wants to move in with his girlfriend and not all his friends . His dad has also spoken to me about how he feels and how happy his son is with me and how I’ve changed him and how he told me to really start forward and move on to the next step.

    Now that I have told you everything do you think there is a chance this can be a strong relationship, a healthy one, can we really just “start over”? Do you think this was a phase? Do you think his actions only happened because of this phase he went though or does it speak of his character as he is just a malicious intentionally dishonest person? I know you’ve helped many people on here, do you see young men go through this a lot? I sometimes feel that if you’re going to be in a relationship so young you’re going to have to grow with your partner and that includes going through these stupidity phases together and coming out stronger and closer but I’m not sure. As for myself I’m trying to be a better girlfriend And I really just want to NOT CARE about the past and just start fresh.

     

     

    in reply to: Going through a lot of Relationship Anxiety, Please Help. #161768
    Danielle
    Participant

    Anita,

    The l don’t want to teach my boyfriend a lesson by getting with another man. Its more for myself. I feel like everytime we broke up I let him take control of me and I would sit at home crying acting like a child when I should’ve embraced myself, went out with my friends, enjoyed life and said oh well if he wants to break up well I am not going to sit around moping about it for days, and thats what I did. I think he’s taken advantage that I am such a good girlfriend that I sit at home doing nothing that would make him mad, taking him back days later, that he can’t take me seriously. I feel that IF we got back together it would have to be in at least one month. I need to show him that I can do my own stuff too, I can leave him and still enjoy life.

    Now, about HIM. Yes we were talking one day and he said he just didn’t really care to lie to people. I think he was being too “literal” because as human beings we all lie… it was always about stupid stuff. I mean one time he told me he lied to his ex that he was home and he was at his friends house… like nothing huge this is the first occurrence that I know of.

    I understand your opinion on that he “didn’t” betray me, but I don’t understand how it isn’t betrayal. Yes he was single…but for like 4 days. I think many people would agree that it is the right thing to do to tell your partner.. and that you should always be honest with them. I asked him multiple times about the incident and he always said no. Maybe he is a pathological liar? I don’t know. Will I ever know?? I think what kept me asking him questions constantly was because I only found out about the first girl because I knew he slept at her house because we all share locations with our friends on Find My Friends and I knew he was there. And he was still lying about that situation AND I KNEW ABOUT IT. So I would always tell myself I wonder what there is that i just have NO CLUE ABOUT… I wonder what he’s hiding and its so easy to lie because I have no clue. Now that he’s told me these incidents, that I really would’ve never had any clue about…I guess I feel better in a way that he ACTUALLY came forward about something.

    About him being mentally ill? I am not aware…. What he expresses to me is that he wasn’t sure if our relationship was going to last, he wasn’t that serious about it, there were times he wanted to enjoy college, but in the last 10 months…thats all changed. He said he really realized how much he loved me and he wanted to be serious. and he has been he’s proven this to me. He said that he didn’t want to tell me because he was scared to lose me over mistakes he made in our what he likes to call it “old relationship”. I think thats the issue here.

    He doesn’t want to deal with the type of guy he was and he wanted to move forward, live together, grow together, and he didn’t want his past stupidity to ruin the future he now saw. Im not sure how that makes someone ill for staying with me? Im sure he was in distress and annoyed that I couldn’t “move on with him”, but at the end of the day he knows I wasn’t wrong and he knows he was lying and he knew he couldn’t tell me if he wanted this big “future” to happen. He’s only 21…I don’t think men really at this age see what lying really does, they see it more as a way to avoid drama. He also told me he saw what the first incident did to me that he never wanted to cause that pain to me again so he rather suffer himself, then tell me.

    Danielle
    Participant

    So Anita, it turns out that I’m not crazy, an over thinker, or dealing with childhood issues that are reflecting on to my relationship….because my boyfriend was lying the entire time.

    He finally, after months of questioning him, going to therapy for my relationship anxiety for constant questioning, about to start anxiety medication, ruining day after day of my present moment focusing on if he was lying….he finally admitted he was lying. Don’t ask me why he decided sunday would be a good day after we signed our apartment together, booked a plane ticket to California for this upcoming month, and so much other plans but he did. I finally caught him in something that he just had to admit he was hiding stuff from the past.

    He had sex with another girl last August when we broke up for less than a week, and kissed a girl in October the DAY after we broke up because he had actually drunk texted the girl he had sex with in August when he got drunk and we got into a fight— which lead to the break up and him kissing that girl the next day.

    I feel like my life has fallen apart, once again. Once again like it just did in April when he admitted to having sex with a girl in October of 2015 after we had broken up. If you only knew the amount of times I have asked my boyfriend to be truthful with me. I would send him long text messages at least once a week and ask him probably 3 times a week and every single time he would either right be a response including how much he loves me now and how changed he has been the last 9 months and how he learned to not lie because he saw what it did to me the first time, and how he is being honest about everything and there is nothing else, NOTHING that i don’t know. and the entire time there was. He saw me crying, suffering, going crazy with anxiety, and he couldn’t even tell me the truth. The truth I asked for so many times.

    I havent talked to him after his message. But he has sent me non stop emails, text messages, etc. Saying how people change and he was so scared to hurt me because he saw what it did to me last time and how he just wanted to move forward and move in together and forget about the person he was etc etc etc. I get he’s changed and I know he wouldn’t do those things now but he literally looked at me suffer in agony for so long with so many doubts and made me look like the crazy one when in reality my intuition was right the entire time… I had all this anxiety because I wasn’t listening to my gut feeling.

    I also wanted to talk to you about my mindset which I am sure as an adult you are going to think is so childish but in reality I really think it would make me feel better. I really feel like I need to go out, talk to boys, kiss a couple, “modernly date” before I even consider getting back with him. I know this sounds ridiculous but I am sick of feeling like the victim. I feel like in our situation if we get back I would feel a lot better saying “ok you know what we both did stupid things when we were broken up lets move on from that and focus on the future”. I feel like me ever getting back with him without that.. I am going to throw myself a pity party for the rest of my life. Thinking wow I sat here, loyal, doing nothing, while you were having sex with girls. And I just don’t want to feel that way….  I also, when Im struggling picturing him with another girl I want to be able to picture myself with another guy.. or him think about me with someone else knowing well thats what I get for screwing around. I feel like if we don’t talk for a couple of weeks, and I lets say kiss another boy I think he’s going to take him lying more seriously because he’s going to tell himself wow, if she catches me in a lie she’s really going to leave me and move on to another boy, she’s not scared.

    I think he’s taken advantage of how forgiving I’ve been and how I act every time we break up that its not a big deal to him… I think I need to scare him, show him I could be just as bad and break his heart, and that I am not putting up with this anymore, or just leave him all together because clearly he’s not trustworthy.

    The only reason I am so confused on what to do is because first of all we just signed an apartment together, we were broken up in all the incidents (even though its wrong because it was always for a couple of days…), and I know he’s changed and he’s shown me that. I know there are no incidents in the last 10 months, I know he wouldn’t do any of those things again, but again…the lying is still in the present.

    I am so conflicting Anita, please give some insight, ideas, or advice on this situation. Thank you always.

    Danielle
    Participant

    I think he is a good person who made a bad selfish decision. I know I’ve made bad decisions like all of us have.

    But this mindset I have had for the last 2 months is just changing my perspective on everything. This summer was supposed to be the most fun summer and this was supposed to be the most fun upcoming fall and I can’t seem to be in the moment or move on from the past. Its a constant nagging feeling when I wake up in the past every single day, how can I possibly be happy? and then when someone has anxiety you question everything. So I ask myself am i still in love? am i just over it? did i get everything i needed from this relationship? was he just a lesson? and as my negative mindset continues, my feelings obviously change. But I think if I wasn’t in this mindset and I wasn’t thinking about the past every single day and bringing up old feelings and mistakes, I think I really would be happy.

    Everyone in my situation would be happy and I can’t see that. Everyone that knows whats happened between me and boyfriend still continues to be in awe of how amazing he is. Even my family is like don’t let that one go, and my friends are always saying “you guys make my heart happy” and everyone just loves us and sees our relationship and my friends even tell me like i don’t know how he handles you thats literally the guy meant for you. Like everyone sees it except me because Im constantly clouded with anxiety.

    I have the most accepting and loving boyfriend and Ill never understand why I can’t just FORGIVE. I think all these feelings are caused by resentment and really not truly forgiving him. Do you have any advice on how to TRULY forgive someone? He’s told me constantly how sorry he is and the reasoning behind it ( I didn’t think our relationship was really going to last past college, I didn’t know if I even wanted to be in a relationship, I was really selfish and immature, and I’ve lied to people around me my entire life without even caring, but you changed me and I promise to never be that guy again and you’re the only girl I want to marry etc). Like he is giving me everything I want to hear, he’s staying true to his word, he’s changed his actions, whats holding me back? What is holding me back from forgiving? I honestly don’t even know if I have EVER truly forgiven someone… when I have had friends that have done me wrong I never look back I never forgive I simply just take them out of my life, even family members sometimes… I tell myself all the time that God put my boyfriend in my life to make me a better person, a less selfish person, a more loving person, and a person that accepts that people have flaws and just like God forgives all of us I need to learn how to forgive my boyfriend…but why is this so hard? Why is there so much hurt? Why can’t i see the situation for what it is and not some crazy horrible deceitful affair or something. Why am I seeing this situation in such a dramatic bad light?

    Danielle
    Participant

    I guess what I’m trying to say is I don’t want to give up without being anxious FREE, I don’t think making decisions in an anxious state is a good idea. So I think what I’m asking is if you think it’s a good idea to get myself together see how many days I can go without asking questions, and seeing if that makes me happier. Then see how long I can go without doubting my relationship and living in the past and see if it makes me happy and that way I realize it was only my mindset that was making me miserable not my relationship and not my boyfriend.

    Danielle
    Participant

    Hi Anita,

    just wanted to ask you a question that I’ve been asking myself. Like you already know, the last 2-3 months of my relationship have been VERY distressful and anxious. I have been in a cycle of constant reassurance, constant question asking, constant doubting my relationship, and constantly living in the past, and MONTHS of this have made me very unhappy, which I think anyone that is living in my mentality is going to be unhappy. I need to change and I know that. But sometimes I tell myself do I feel this way because it’s my body speaking to me that I shouldn’t be in this relationship? Or do I feel this way soley because I am doing this to myself and it’s IMPOSSIBLE to be happy with anyone with this mentality…. I like to think “if I change today” if I work towards the day if I resist the compulsions to ask questions, to think of the past, to focus on the past, that I suddenly will be happy and in love and undoubtful again. But something in me scares me that this is a waste of time and I’m not going to get happiness with my boyfriend and my stomach sinks.

    Is my OCD/anxiety just trying to get me to believe that my boyfriend is the problem and not me. Like you’ve said and my therapist, the content of my obsessions are useless it’s how they make me feel. Like you’ve said before if I wasn’t obsessing about him or my relationship it would be something else, it’s just always going to be something. Which puts me back in perscpectuve with its ME not HIM and NOT our relationship.

    I’m so sick of feeling this way and I’ve been on vacation the last 2 weeks so I haven’t been able to see my therapist. Also my boyfriend is so understanding and nice and he constantly apologizes and TODAY he told me I’m the most beautiful girl in the world and he’s in love with me and he’s so sorry and that he just wants to move on from the past and enjoy life with me and I got so anxious when he told me this, I think I felt guilt that I’m constantly doubting our relationship and he’s there so positive that our relationship is amazing and he says so loving and happy and deals with me like no one else. He’s always doing acts of kindness and telling me and everyone how I’ve changed him so much and he’s so happy with who he’s become and I hate that I’m so focused on the bad. This is probably the worst “funk” I’ve had in our relationship and I’m starting to lose hope that I’ll ever be able to be happy with him again.

    Danielle
    Participant

    I agree Anita. I am not ready for a breakup. But I am just so over this mentality and constant state of worry and stress that I am cracking and having a mental breakdown. I forgot to mention that we just agreed to sign for an apartment together for our last year of college. I think this has caused my spike and horrible anxiety and emotions because it’s supposed to be a time of excitement.

    How can I go about getting out of this mentality? Try a week of no questions no matter what I’m feeling? Noticing that even the worst, if I find something out eventually, I will still be fine and move on. Idk what to tell myself and bring myself back to reality that this isn’t a life or death situation and there is no certainty in life. Idk what to tell myself or stop this cycle that has been happening for months now. I’m losing my mind driving myself crazy.

    Danielle
    Participant

    I don’t want my OCD and anxiety winning anita. 8 don’t want it to drive me to the point I am at now where the only way I think to relieve my distress would be to break up. I feel as THAT if someone was in my situation without anxiety and OCD, they would’ve been fine by now. They would’ve moved on accepted and that’s it. I hate how much control this has on my thoughts.

    Danielle
    Participant

    Anita,

    Thinking of breaking up does cause me a great amount of distress I can’t figure out if it’ll be more distress than staying, it would be a different type of distress. I feel like that would bring me short term relief let’s say for a week, and then I can see myself panicking. Thinking omg did I really just end my relationship because I couldn’t figure myself out, control myself, live in the present, and just forgive….. I find myself thinking how I would leave and just hate myself for it. Not to mention everything else a break up brings with it which is already enough. I would be losing my bestfriend… We have so many exciting things planned for this fall. I would have to find myself again START over START doing things single people do and I’m just not interested… i just want RELIEF. I want to be happy and feel safe and secure and remember that happiness comes from me. I wish I could just realize the extent of what he did which is just so like not HUGE or HORRIBLE and just forgive and let go and enjoy the relationship I have now… I really don’t know what steps to take.

    Danielle
    Participant

    Good Morning Anita,

    so yesterday I had a really long serious talk with my boyfriend. I told him how unhappy I am with myself and that I hate being this crazy jealous and insecure girlfriend. I told him I know it’s his actions that have caused me to become like this but I’m not sure if I could change back to how I was with or without him. I told him I don’t want to break up but I am not sure if love is enough to stay in a relationship. I told him how I HAVENT really forgiven him for his actions and I am beyond scared to get hurt or surprised again.

    I tried to explain to him that my biggest fear in life is someone coming up to me telling me something I didn’t know and me finding out once again that he hasn’t been truthful with me. 8 can’t make myself vulnerable again to let that happen. I told him I can’t stay like this and I’m going to have to do a lot of work on myself and we’re going to have to work together because things cannot stay like this.

    He again talked to me reassured me that he’s not lying. He tells me that back then he just didn’t care as much and didn’t think our relationship was going to make it past college. He tells me how he was immature stupid and was being influenced by all the wrong people. He also talked to me about the girl he got involved with and States how he had liked her before me so when she came around he wanted to hang out hook up whatever it may be only because they had a past. He reassure some me that he never once tried to talk to a random girl and that’s never been his personality. I understand why he did what he did and maybe why he lied but I can’t find myself able of full trusting at the moment.

    Now this is my favorite part. After talking and me explaining what I’m scared of my boyfriend says it’s not healthy to live in the past and we need to move forward and I completely agree… but then he says…. if you were to find something out later why does it matter if it was in the past? Why are you so stuck in the past?…. this turned my stomach. Is he insinuating that there is something else that happened? Is he trying to understand why I would care to know??? I tried to tell him that LYING about it is in the present and i can’t find out again that he’s been lying or I’m going to be devastated. He says he understands and that it came out wrong, that he’s just saying why does the past matter so much etc. but it’s not the past, it’s the lying and betrayal that I’m scared of. I’m scared to become vulnerable again and LET someone make me happy. I’m not sure he understands or ever will understand. Really in a tough place because I’m not getting better. And I know I’m not getting better because I have gotten into the cycle of asking a question everyday and doubting him and googling and thinking to myself constantly about what he may be lying about and how he’s going to hurt me again. I know I’m miserable because I PUT MYSELF in this cycle and haven’t gotten out, but I’m not sure if I can get out of this cycle being with him. I really don’t want to break up with a great guy because I can’t get myself together.

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