Hi Tatertot,

Wow, that is quite a story. I’m so sorry to hear about the pain you’re going through.

My first thought is that, as painful as it is for you now, he was right to cut you off completely. You simply can’t heal from something like this if you keep being reminded of the other person, because it’s hard enough not to think about them as it is. What you need to do right now is focus on yourself, and by cutting you off he is helping you to do that. I know it’s hard, but you have to maintain your resolve not to contact him. It will get easier as time goes on. But for now, you are unable to see things clearly because of your feelings. It’s only once those feelings have dispersed that you’ll be able to see the situation as it truly is… But it takes time for that to happen.

I totally understand what you mean about feeling like you’re a good person outside relationships, but having your ugly side come out whenever you’re in a relationship. The same thing seems to happen to me, and I think it happens to a lot of people. It’s ironic, isn’t it? Why is it that our ugly side only comes out around the very people we’re supposed to love the most? I guess it’s because we don’t feel secure in our ability to love and care for ourselves, so we get desperate to hold onto the love and care of someone else.

I don’t know what else to tell you except that things will get better with time. You’re doing the right things by being active and spending time with friends and family. Keep doing those things even if you don’t feel like it and even if it seems like it’s not helping. If nothing else, being active and spending time with friends will help you resist the temptation to contact him.

And one more thing: I encourage you to open yourself up to the possibility that L is not the only guy out there for you. There are more eligible single guys out there than you could ever meet in your lifetime, many of whom could be a good match for you. Maybe some of them would even be better for you than L was. How can you know until you give them a chance? Personally I don’t believe in the idea that there’s just one soulmate out there for each of us, and I think this kind of thinking is unhealthy. Maybe you and L will get back together, or maybe you won’t. But you have to realize that neither of these outcomes will doom you to loneliness or unhappiness.

Ask yourself what you could have been meant to learn from this relationship with L. Realize that even if it wasn’t meant to last, it had a purpose: It taught you something. Take the lesson to heart and move on. You will be fine.

In the meantime, please try to have compassion for yourself. You were only doing the best you could with what you knew and understood at the time. You may have made mistakes, but that doesn’t make you a bad person.

I wish you all the best.

You have to get over him. It’s not healthy to hold on to these feelings for someone who doesn’t feel the same way about you, especially when that person is in a relationship with someone else. And if you’re too clingy, you may end up losing him as a friend too. Trust me, I learned that the hard way.

If he’s a close friend, I would just be honest with him. Tell him you’re struggling with feelings for him and you need some time to yourself to get over it. Ask him not to contact you for a while. If he’s really your friend, he will understand. But if you’re not that close and you think it would be awkward to tell him, just become really busy. Then whatever happens, DO NOT contact him until the time period you’ve set is up. I would make it 3 months at least. I know this will be really difficult, but please trust me. If you feel yourself clinging to someone, you have to back away before it’s too late and things turn ugly. Clinginess always turns ugly.

I think giving yourself the time and space to get over these feelings would be the most loving thing for you to do for yourself right now. Try to keep yourself busy, immerse yourself in work or hobbies or other interests, and be social with your platonic friends, even if you don’t feel like it at first. Find friends (not your guy friend) you can talk to about what you’re going through. Don’t try to do this alone.

Also try dating, even if you don’t feel like it. And try not to take it too seriously. Keep yourself open to the possibility that there are a ton of different guys out there who could each potentially be a good partner for you (because it’s true)! You have nothing to worry about. You’ll only be lonely if you act lonely.

I wrote this as if I were writing to myself, because your post struck a chord with me due to something I went through recently. So I don’t know if it will all be relevant to you, because you’re not me and I don’t know you. But I totally understand what it’s like to have that feeling of never being good enough for guys, and that fear of ending up alone. You are not the only person who feels this way.