Forum Replies Created
August 2, 2013 at 12:29 pm #39619
Thank you, David for sharing your experiences.
I watched the video John shared last night with my boyfriend and it really hit me that addition is very real. I have a science background and the brain has always been fascinating to me. But what the video showed really stuck with me (how reward can really alter your brain) and every time someone watches something a new or different kind of porn it piques their interest so much that it’s almost like a drug that they seek and want all the time. I can see how this can become a cycle that continues until it becomes an addiction. I’m just hoping that my boyfriend can see and understand the messages that were conveyed through this video.August 1, 2013 at 4:38 pm #39566
John and Matt, thank you both for your perspectives on this issue. I will be taking a look at both the video and book suggestions later on this evening.
To answer the question about our sex life, in my opinion, it seems pretty average. I say this only because I don’t have any experience in this area, and my current boyfriend is my first and only sexual partner. We have sex about 2-3 times a week, and I feel satisfied with what we have. On the other hand, like Matt mentioned, he may have a stronger sex drive than I do, and it’s true. He has mentioned a few times that he’s not use to having so little sex. This is also because he’s had much more experience than I have and many more partners. I know for a fact that I’m not entirely comfortable with the act of sex itself, just because I’m still so ‘new’ to it. But I do try to be open minded about what he wants and what I can do to increase our intimacy. A lot of the time, I feel disinterested in it because of the fact that I knew he watched porn and had his “fix” hours earlier.
Regarding addiction, I’m only familiar with the basics of it. As far as the activities my boyfriend and I engage in together or individually, points to a healthy lifestyle. He’s not spending all day glued to the computer watching porn, nor is he skipping work or cancelling plans because of porn. But I can only say this because we’ve agreed that he would not watch it when I was in the house. So I don’t know what’s going on when I’m not home or if I were to be away on a trip for a few days/weeks.
Matt, you are absolutely correct that I feel his actions have something to do with me. I know I have self-esteem/confidence issues and I feel like by my boyfriend watching porn is not helping me at all. As silly as it sounds, but I can’t help but to compare myself with the girls on video. If these girls are what my boyfriend finds attractive and I don’t look anything like them, what does that say about me? Aside from just the physical attraction or physique of these girls, I know deep down he’s not trying to hurt me and he loves me a lot.
I also know that it’s crazy and ridiculous to obsess over someone else’s actions. I’ve thought about this over and over again. Why am I so hung up on something that isn’t my problem or an act I’m doing? (If it was a problem, I do want to be able to help that person. But in my case, I’m not even sure if there is a problem/addiction.) But because of my obsession with this, I’m making it a problem for myself…and I don’t know how to stop. I don’t want to be the type of person who controls other people. I know it’s not my right to tell someone else what to do.
What it also boils down to is trying to figure out why I have such as aversion to porn or why I’m uncomfortable with my sexuality. I’ve watched it few times just out of curiosity, but it never really became something I cared for, or conjure up thoughts of “oh, maybe I’ll go watch porn.” I know a lot of people agree that porn is disgusting, gross, disrespectful, humiliating, etc. but it seems like it’s the opposite for people who enjoy it. And I just can’t wrap my head around it.
If all the porn in the world were to be gone tomorrow, I would be the happiest girl alive! But that just wishful thinking. Thanks again for all the replies…I do feel a little bit better getting this off of my chest and hearing some personal experiences and responses.August 1, 2013 at 1:51 pm #39560
Thank you for your response. I’ve brought up the addition aspect of porn to my boyfriend during the discussions we’ve had about me not being comfortable around it and the fact that he watches it (even when I’m not around). I asked him about often he does it and he says 2-3 times a week. I’m assuming that his is just the weekdays since we usually spend the weekends together. But I know for a fact that that’s not true. I know he does it more than he says. I wouldn’t be surprised if it was everyday. He tells me that no, he’s not some ‘sex crazed pervert’ and that I make it seem like porn is his whole life, when it’s not. Of course one sign of addiction is denial…so I don’t know how to even help. I mean, I really don’t know if he is addicted to porn or not…how can I know? If I ask, he’ll deny it or make it seem less frequent than it really is. So I just feel stuck. And i’m the one suffering because of it.
In someways I feel like I just need assurance of some kind. Someone to tell me what “normal” is and what isn’t. I know that there is no such thing as “normal.” Everyone is different and someone can watch porn once a week and be called “normal” while someone else can watch it everyday and be “normal”. Is there a healthy balance?