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gemsandrubies

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    gemsandrubies
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    Thank you everyone for the replies. It has truly helped carry me through some of the roughest days. In some ways, the grief and pain of this has created a lot of new growth I don’t think I’d have experienced otherwise. A chance encounter led to my starting a new band, one I’m so grateful to be creating with. I’m more excited about the music we’re making than I’ve ever been about any music I’ve made in the past, which has been a very unexpected blessing. One I wouldn’t have been graced with had this not happened the way it did. This has also led to beginning new friendships. I’ve been writing a lot (not just music) and that has become my new favorite creative outlet. I’ve even been growing the courage to share some of it, which is a first for me. On the days where the grief doesn’t just exhaust my body, I’m getting ready to run my first half marathon this month. I still have many rough days and moments, but I’m trying to be compassionate with myself and just lean in when I have them. I’ve been caring for my mind, body, and spirit in ways that are much healthier than I ever have before and not trying to avoid the pain, but also paying attention when I’m ruminating in ways that are harmful. Despite all of the hurt, I’m surprisingly grateful I allowed myself to be vulnerable and accept love from my ex in the way that I did, even if things didn’t work out. It’s shown me that I now have evidence that I’m capable of loving and accepting love. It also shown me that I’m stronger than I thought, as I’ve shown up in this suffering to face my greatest fears of unworthiness and abandonment. Beginning learning to be enough for and with myself has been a gift. My ex best friend and ex fiance are now “in a relationship” official, which didn’t take long. Anita really nailed it when she said I must have closed my eyes to…I’m not sure what, but there must have been something I chose not to see in her. In truth, I was always very anxiously attached in this relationship, more than I have been in any other. I thought it was because I finally felt as though I’d found my ‘one’, and I was scared to lose it. Learning about attachment styles has also helped me make more sense of this. Another lesson that’s come from this is learning to trust my own intuition more. Maybe I’ll understand more as time goes by, I’d like to, but I’m trying to accept that I may never fully understand or get closure and either way I have to quit grasping for it.┬áThe anger and feelings of betrayal are still things I’m working on, so I can truly find forgiveness within and move on. Any advice you can share on this would be so helpful. Peace and love to all of you, again, I can’t express how grateful I am for your support.

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