Forum Replies Created
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giaParticipantHi Afrin,
I may not be able to give you any sage advice, but I thought I’d respond if only to let you know that you are not alone — at the very least you have Anita and me to empathise with you, and I’m sure there are more who read this thread who haven’t posted in response for any reason. Mostly, I feel you about your cat. I love mine dearly and in the past, when I hit a low and my thoughts whirled at the bottom of the pit, I am worried about him, losing him, most.
I am sending love to you, wherever in the U.K. (your mention of NHS) you are, right now.
Blessings and peace.
giaParticipantThanks anita, for giving me an additional idea — translating make-believe in the imagination to a periodic drama playdate.
Hope you are well 🙂
giaParticipantDear Patty,
Your post struck me as incredibly courageous, self-aware, reflecting honesty and wisdom. I am not sure I could offer any answers of worth to the barrage of profound questions at the end of your post, as I am whirling from the chord the clarity with which you wrote “got a little attached to him (or the idea of him)” and “once I knew how interested he was in me” struck in me. It took me quite a while to learn to step away from my tendency to create a person and become attached to the person I created. Another point you made is that you were misunderstood in your affections as a sign that you wanted something more — a relationship perhaps — from that guy. I am sorry to hear that, but I get it: you had needs after your recent breakup, and your affectionate nature together caused the guy whom you met to put two wrongs together, causing him to distance himself from you.
I am sorry I don’t have any easy answer for your questions.
Gia
giaParticipantHi Kate,
What I got out from your post is the following facts:
a) The relationship was built on common core values, while there are also differences in some other core areas (you didn’t specify what these are; however, I question if these differences play a graver role than the fact that you shared common core values? I thought having common core values should outweigh other differences? Help me understand.)
b) Passion has died. (Can you explain what do you mean by passion and that observation?)
c) In spite of deciding go your separate ways, you both maintain respect and love for each other.
d) You miss him (Does he miss you as much as you miss him, and why does he miss you?), and doubt if you did the right thing. (Was it a mutual decision? Or did you leave him? If it was a mutual decision, then the result was not only your doing. So then whether you did the right thing or not, you contributed to only half of the consequence (breaking up).
I’m trying to understand in order to help. Please forgive me if you felt I was questioning you. I stand by whatever you are feeling, even though they are not pleasant.
gia
giaParticipantHi Sunset,
No problem at all.
I’m pretty sure he’s a sociopath or a psychopath (I don’t know the nuances in how the terms differ). I have experienced being treated in a similar way before, and I have since come to understand, with the maturity through age and introspection, that people like that guy are probably deeply troubled — they tend to be bigoted, harsh, mean, but also (a big flag there), extremely nice and maybe charming initially and/or only on the surface. Let him go. Let him be the person he needs to be at this stage, however long it may be. The way he treated you likely had little, if anything, to do with Sunset — you — by letting him be whoever he is maybe the compassion that you can conjure up for yourself and for him now that it’s over. And thank goodness it is over for you, with him! 🙂
Regarding your guilt for “letting [your friend who you developed a lovely friendship with] down”, it’s tricky… what I would probably do was to front up gently with her IF you treasure this relationship. Her response may be unpredictable, but if you and the other woman get through this hurdle, the ground for your relationship will be solidified, and these are the kinds of relationships or friendships that are meaningful and more likely to last. Why I think it’s tricky, however, is that I have learnt from my own, at times painful, experience that conversations of this kind (difficult ones) are best had face to face. I wouldn’t do it through a text or facebook message as it is unduly risky — I have lost meaningful friendships with good intentions, but ineffectual communication with texts.
Trust yourself and make a decision that feels right. Please don’t feel guilty for having been pulled in by that guy’s facade — people like him are notoriously good at it, and as you wisely reflected, it is not going to stop after you.
gia
giaParticipantHi Sunset,
I too am a solo traveller. I recently went on a solo road trip. Probably a bit unlike you, however, I seldom hang out with people I meet; I am happy to say my goodbyes after an activity together, for example.
That guy comes across as either a sociopath or a psychopath. I was wondering if your guilt was for your hiding the fact that you and he kissed, or was it for the fact that you kissed him while she had confided in you her feelings for him?
gia
giaParticipantDear Felita,
In an earlier post, you said when you tried to look at yourself, Felita, who is suffering, you judged her, that she’s “having mental illness or so what.” You asked me if the fact that you “want her attention, to make [yourself] feel good again” doesn’t make you a bad person (I think you already had an answer for yourself). I don’t think needing attention makes anyone a bad person. To me, a bad person is one who derives joy and pleasure from causing or seeing someone suffer.
You said something very important in your last post. You said that you “will love the person no matter how bad the person is.” Let’s imagine if Felita were a bad person like you say you are, you, the wiser Felita, will still love her like she’d love other, “better” people. That “bad Felita” needs someone to “love [her] no matter how bad [she thinks she] is” and to “cherish [her] and make [her] smile again.” Why can’t you also love, cherish, and hug this “bad” Felita?
giaParticipantDear Felita,
Can you think of someone you admire, respect, love (apart from the person you had trouble with), going through what Felita is going through, what would you say to him / her / it?
Gia
giaParticipantDear Felita,
I am glad you are staying on this supportive form of communication on this forum. Your relationship was not known to anyone, not even your family. It was only between the two of you. It would be hard, maybe it may even feel like it is impossible to break it to anyone when it has come to this stage (the drama: the split-up) — where would you begin, when you are overwhelmed by negative emotions at the moment? I understand that.
I sense from your writing that you are eager — maybe desperate — to “shake off” this attachment. Felita, if I, someone who has never met you, and know you a fraction of what you know of yourself, can (and I do) empathise with your situation and your mental anguish at the detachment (complete opposition to attachment) from this person, why don’t you think you can empathise with yourself? What I mean: can you look at the sad, “crazy” Felita who is suffering, what would be going through your head?
Stay here a while,
Gia
giaParticipantDear Littlered,
You have had input from three amazing human beings so far, and I agree wholeheartedly in particular with what Yvar pointed out, that you had not realised that you stood up for yourself. Resigning immediately for the unacceptable treatment of you and the other young, intelligent female on your team as mere sexual beings — objects — showed me at least that you have principles and self-respect. I hope you have since seen that it was normal for you to feel “violated” and “humiliated,” as that is the nature of the comment, uttered between two more powerful figure (in the corporate ladder) in front of you. It is like someone talking about you as if you were not in the room, something that is blatantly disrespectful among adults. (I wouldn’t do it in front of children, either, but I work with children, and I have witnessed that a small proportion of the adults do do that. I don’t think that is acceptable.)
Gia
giaParticipantDear Hana,
I think I figured out how to write without the html codes showing.
I am grateful for your listening (figuratively, as compared to hearing). Your advice is thorough and that gave me a lot of peace. For instance, you suggested that I speak to the burly man if I met him, and you gave me suggestions for different possible outcomes for said conversations. You would make a wonderful mental health care worker.
Thank you, Hana.
Gia
giaParticipantDear Felita,
I am sorry that you must be so confused and torn right now. Since this is still fresh, I understand your feeling of “crazy,” “dying inside,” and wanting to scream. I understand that once you are attached to someone, it is hard to not try to find them on social media, and I know personally how you can find out if somebody has blocked you or not. I have done that kind of sleuthing myself, and finding out that that person has done so does spin you on your head.
I am reluctant to analyse the situation (what she meant by what she said, and did, etc.) as it may not be helpful to you right now. Can you tell us what you need the most now, so I or somebody else can be with you / sit with you (figuratively) in this moment?
(I am hoping my post doesn’t have the html codes that hinder reading. What’s not helpful is that I only started having them show up in my last few posts).
Gia
giaParticipantDear Natalie, I am sorry you are living in the process of what you described. I felt you when you said you were so happy with him, because “having a guy like him like someone like me” — that’s my self talk as well, when someone I am attracted to pays me attention. What I do when that attention ceases is I plunge, as if to an endless bottom. You said he hadn’t contacted you again after telling you everything was good on your end. He placated you to avoid what he imagined would be unpleasant, so he chose that way out. I have done that to others; I have also had that done to me. When I was the one doing it, I had no intention of re-establishing contact; when it was done to me, I began to mentally cling onto the person, thinking him into this all-loving, all-perfect person that doesn’t and never did exist. I hope I didn’t sound cruel with what I said. I wanted to share my experience with you so you could walk free from expectations that he was great and that it was your loss. Take care of yourself, Natalie. Gia
giaParticipant(N.B. I am sorry for the html codes making it hard to read. I tried different ways to get rid of them until I wasn’t allowed to make any more edits.)
giaParticipantDear Hana,
When the police came last time, they said it seemed the man was delusional. They said they were going to have him go to the hospital for a mental health assessment. This I do not know whether happened or not, as after checking in with me, they went to see him and I did not know what the outcome of that meeting was or what he said to them.What triggered my fear of not being believed, or worse, that I was the problem, was that the man seemed charming and “normal”, a “very very nice man” (my resident manager’s words. A woman). I tried to get her to see the discrepancy between his outward behaviour and what he does in the dark of the night (so to speak), but my anxiety these days stem from wondering how successful he is a manipulator (or his mental health conditions that affect his Hyde/Jekyll behaviour). I am grateful that you reassured me that I was at least not naive/wrong to seek him out the first instance. Yes, I did get the impression that what’s his outward is incongruent with what’s inside (he had just banged angrily at the wall out of frustration. And in person, 5 minutes later, he was all good manners and charm, being socially adept, asking the right questions and initiating pleasant exchanges such as our work. All the while there was a tension and animosity simmering under the surface of the slickness).
I am on pleasant but not familiar terms with the burly man and his family who live next door. The last time I crossed path with me had to be more than half a year ago. At Christmas in 2016, when he threw snow and uttered a threat, they were the first people I tried to seek out to check in with. They were home but ignored my knocks. I understood people’s concerns for their own safety with regard to unexpected knocks on their door.
Hana, you are right. I do believe the tenant would probably not have been as aggressive in his texts and their messages were I a man or with a man the first time I saw him. I am also small. Neither do I look particularly menacing or destructive.
I told the police most everything, apart from perhaps bits and pieces that I neglected to mention. I was candid with them, though in June, the officer in charge frightened me to tears as she appeared to accuse me of being in the wrong (the way she asked me, in a patronising tone that was totally uncalled for, “so, what’s going on?” when she had heard the details of my call to the station on her way here).
After the police incident, my resident manager (who has always insisted that he was a “very very nice man” “going out in the morning in his little bow tie on his bike” and other endearing manners of talking about him) has continued to be nonchalant. She *chatted* with him about the police visits. This time, she even relegated a message from him. He told her to tell me (no doubt the police would have asked him to stop harassing me by contacting me. That’s what they said what he was no longer supposed to be doing.) that “I won.” I found that greatly disturbing, explaining my gradual buildup of fear of the man’s depth of the delusion. I didn’t want anything to do with him; I wanted it to be the end of it. Once more he projected his beliefs/delusions onto me: that I engaged him in a “war” by “making the noises worse” after he complained, but somehow, in his eye now, “I’ve won” and “he’s lost”.
A number of friends and family have gently suggested that I moved away, and I am grateful that you attempted to do so gently with me. Thank you, Hana. Laziness and affordability are the reasons I have put off considering moving…
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