August 12, 2017 at 7:29 am #163562NatalieParticipant
I started talking and dating with this guy for about a month, and everything was going just fine. He would text me all the time, go out whenever possible due to our busy work schedules, talk about everything. I really felt a connection, and I saw in him everything I ever wanted in a man. He is intelligent, well spoken, educated, successful and definitely the most handsome man I’ve ever dated.
He got out of a long term relationship not a long time ago. He was very honest to me about it, and I realized he had been very hurt. I decided to give him time, meaning I didn’t want to rush him or myself to commit that fast or something like that. Actually he was the one rushing things, talking all the time about future us.
Then we had a fight, since I had made plans with my friends for two weekends. He got mad because we wasn’t making time each other, I couldn’t spend a weekend with him and, that he had been always second or third to friends, parties, plans in his previous relationship. I reassured him that I wanted to spend my time with him more than anything, and I actually never said no every time he invited me out, but these were plans I made before I was even talking/dating him. He apologized, and told me that he just likes me that much and doesn’t want to spend a second away from me, and I had the power to bring him up and I make him very happy. This made me realize that he was still hurt, but I thought he had honest intentions with me, otherwise why would he be mad.
Then after a while, he started acting distant and ignoring me. He didn’t text me back, didn’t answer my calls, and then he would come up with lame excuses like he forgot his phone, he was busy.
When I asked him for a coffee because I hated texting, so we could talk about us, because it was obvious that something is not okay, and if I had done something wrong since he was acting like he was mad at me (because of the weekend thing). He told me that he was busy, just got out of a relationship and this is all he can do right now(which was nothing, compared to what he was doing in the beginning) and that he wasn’t even measuring if we were ok or not, everything is good at my end, and that we would talk about it.
And this was it. Never contacted me again. Never contacted him again.
Now I know it was only a month, but he was perfect and everything I ever wished for. I have been struggling with low self esteem, depression and anxiety for the most part of my life, ever since my mom died. The time I spent with him made me so happy, having a guy like him like someone like me, made me feel like I can enjoy life too, that there’s more to life than being sad and scared all the time.
Then he just disappeared. Without a decent explanation. Now I’m back to my misery, even worse.
How do I get him, and the way he made me feel out of my head?August 12, 2017 at 9:37 am #163616anitaParticipant
You wrote: “Then we had a fight, since I had made plans with my friends for two weekends. He got mad because we wasn’t making time each other..” –
It takes two to have a fight, two parties (or more) attacking each other. I understand he attacked you, verbally, for choosing to spend time with your friends. What was the nature of your attacking him?
(I ask this because that fight seemed to be what brought this one month relationship to an end).
anitaAugust 12, 2017 at 11:10 am #163622NatalieParticipant
I don’t think I ever attacked him, I just got defensive because I didn’t like to be compared to other people.August 12, 2017 at 11:45 am #163626anitaParticipant
If you would like to share, how did you defend yourself during that fight?
anitaAugust 12, 2017 at 3:29 pm #163640jayParticipant
Observe the thoughts that you have about him and eventually they will go away. Also, you’re literally feeling miserable about the past which does not exist, it’s all in your head. The past and future are illusions of your own mind, therefore it’s just as simple as letting go.August 12, 2017 at 5:21 pm #163654ElianaParticipant
I’m sorry this happened. I know what it’s like to like someone so much, then we have hopes and dreams of a possible future of a person because during the brief time you were together, there were good memories, and those memories are hard to let go.
Perhaps, what happened, is things got intense too quick. You weren’t together very long and he starts to act very controlling just because you wanted to spend time with your friends, he had a temper tantrum, got hurt, because it reminded him of the pain of his recent break-up and he decided the intensity, too much, too soon frightened him off..no ones fault..he simply wasn’t ready or emotionally available. Even if you did reconcile, would you always want to be “walking on eggshells” afraid to do anything with your friends because of his insecurity? You would not have been happy in the long run, and neither would he. He was just not ready.
August 12, 2017 at 7:34 pm #163674giaParticipant
- This reply was modified 3 years ago by Eliana.
<p>Dear Natalie, I am sorry you are living in the process of what you described. I felt you when you said you were so happy with him, because “having a guy like him like someone like me” — that’s my self talk as well, when someone I am attracted to pays me attention. What I do when that attention ceases is I plunge, as if to an endless bottom. You said he hadn’t contacted you again after telling you everything was good on your end. He placated you to avoid what he imagined would be unpleasant, so he chose that way out. I have done that to others; I have also had that done to me. When I was the one doing it, I had no intention of re-establishing contact; when it was done to me, I began to mentally cling onto the person, thinking him into this all-loving, all-perfect person that doesn’t and never did exist. I hope I didn’t sound cruel with what I said. I wanted to share my experience with you so you could walk free from expectations that he was great and that it was your loss. Take care of yourself, Natalie. Gia</p>August 14, 2017 at 10:23 am #163918AmberParticipant
When you first met him was he actively dating and then you guys became exclusive? From what I can tell on the whole dating thing is people nowadays look for love on dating websites and seem to keep the relationship “open” for a better opportunity and once it comes along, they disappear. It could very well be that or he reconciled with an ex of his?
Even though it was only a month of dating I fully understand how that can feel when he basically ghosted you. I think only time can heal you and the more and more time goes by the more he’ll fade from your memory. It hurts right now but it won’t always be like that. I would keep yourself busy and try as best you can to keep him from your mind (better said than done). I experienced this a few times when I was dating a few people. They would just suddenly disappear (because they were talking to someone else they thought was more compatible) and that would be the end of the contact. It took a few weeks depending on the person but I’d soon realize they simply weren’t right for me. I was fortunate enough to meet someone amazing and couldn’t be happier!August 14, 2017 at 2:10 pm #163938JanieParticipant
I have the exact same situation. I was with a man for 6 years & he had been away working for a month & after he had been to see his kids he phoned me to meet but I had a lecture which I couldn’t miss, so I told him he could come round after, later that night, or the next night. He then started acting funny & didn’t come to see me for a week, of me convincing him that nothing had changed between us, I was genuine busy. Then we had an argument & I said a couple of things I shouldn’t have said, purely out of frustration. Then we met up & I asked him if we could fix it & he said, yes of course. Then proceeded to ignore me & now hasn’t spoken to me for over a month. I just don’t get it! Why say we can fix it, if you don’t want to? I really miss him. And most of all, I feel so bad for what I said, I try to be such a nice & good person & I believe I am, but for the first time in my life, I said something horrid & I don’t know why. It really damaged my integrity & who I believed I was.