Hello Ladies,

I wanted to give you an update. I met with my friend for coffee, the male friend who continues to be in the group with the rest of the couples. We had a very nice catch up and then discussed why the “victim” maybe have reached out to me with the text to get together. They had all gotten together and one of them brought it up. All the women seemed surprised we chose not to come back to the group. He and his wife basically relayed how upset I felt, how ganged up on by the two ladies and that we were definitely done with their group. Interestingly they are all behaving as if they did nothing wrong.

I was momentarily baffled that they thought we’d come back, but you’ll both be proud to know, I didn’t ruminate on any of it and let it go. I still occasionally feel the injustice of the situation, but 90 percent…I just don’t care and feel better off. I messed up, betrayed confidence…absolutely. And I didn’t deserve the response… mean and passive aggressive. I don’t need those types of relationships in my life. And guess what? I don’t have them anymore!

My sister told me that she feels I have no middle ground with people. Either they are best friends or dead to me…there is definitely some truth to this statement.  I’m questioning a lot about myself…did I force these friendships? Why did I befriend them in the first place? What type of people do I want in my life moving forward? What about my relationship with my mother fuels my female relationships? It feels a little like growth.

This forum helped me so much. You ladies have such wisdom and I truly appreciate the insight, compassion and understanding that I felt I didn’t deserve at the time. This forum has brought an awareness to my relationships and an appreciation of mindfulness that is valuable and absolutely appreciated. While you may hear from me for an update every now and again, I truly feel like I’m in a place of control and strength over my mind and I have the two of you to thank.

-K

Ok ladies, I don’t consider this a relapse but it’s definitely a situation I’m unclear on how to handle.

My husband and I agreed that we’re no longer attending the couples dinners, so we’ve skipped the last two. The couple we are still friends with is aware. The 2nd dinner we declined was yesterday, and today I received a text from the woman whose separation information I shared. She said she’s sorry we decided not to participate anymore and would I like to meet with her to have a fresh start. The answer to this no. A face to face is out of the question for coffee, for drinks…no. This feels like a “fool me once” situation.

It’s been four months…I’ve experienced extreme distress, sadness, disappointment, anger…my body processed the stress in such a physically damaging way. I’m finally moving forward. I don’t think we could ever be friends again- there’s no trust. But do I owe her a response? Do I owe her anything? What’s the gracious move here?

Brandy, once you said relational aggression, it clicked for me. My role, their role, the whole toxic dynamic. And it’s true, the people I love the most, they don’t have a group. One misstep and I was ousted. I refuse to put myself anywhere near that situation again.

And once her text message popped I felt a rush of anxiety and my heart started racing. I acknowledged the feeling and I’m working on letting it go.

What should I do? How do I respond?

Hi Anita, I wanted to thank you for pointing the issues about my Mother and that while they are in the past, they are still indeed current. While I am at peace with our relationship, I have clearly been struggling with deeper issues related to my relationship with her…the need for approval from women and insecurity, trust issues. Just thinking about this and how it relates to my relationship with her has helped me move forward. While I should have been upset with this situation, maybe my intense feelings were rooted somewhere else. Just thinking about where my feelings are coming from, I’ve already noticed that I’m letting go of the anxieties with friendships. You’re correct, “deeper emotional understanding” is needed and likely I’ll need the help of a professional to get there. Your insight has been truly appreciated. I’m in a better place and attribute much of this to your kindness and observations. I do still reserve the right to relapse and come here for support! 😉

I shouldn’t misrepresent myself regarding social media. I do post a few times a month, and I’m now questioning my motivations and taking a step back. It never occurred to me that I was making others feel bad.

Brandy, you mentioned your challenges with the parent group at your kids’ school. How did you move forward from this experience and how long did it take? Where did you land emotionally? Apathy? Indifference? I’ve started to think about it much less, and there’s no mourning for the relationships just anger and resentment. I no longer talk about it with my friends (I never spoke to anyone who was a mutual friend), it’s just exhausting to rehash and I don’t want to waste conversation or thought on this topic anymore. I want to stop thinking about it altogether and stop having imaginary conversations in my head for closure.

I’d like to not feel completely devastated when I see a picture of them together. Enjoying eachother’s friendships and not giving a thought to how much they’ve hurt me and how unkindly they behaved.

I’m not absolving myself of my mistake, in fact I reread the text sent by the “victim” and saw it with fresh eyes (going back to that Einstein quote) and I definitely hurt her. I don’t agree with dragging it out for months, going on a trip with someone (I feel used) and then bringing a 3rd party into the conversation. I absolutely think it didn’t have to be made into this level of drama and that she’s easily manipulated.  At the end of the day, she only has her friends (her family is there but doesn’t seem all that reliable) and I betrayed her. I feel sorry for her at the end of the day. She needed approval from this group so badly, she crucified me to get it.

I mentioned above to Anita that I’m on month 3….am I making too much of this experience?

K

It will help you when at one point, you will see that when a mother makes her child feel like a horrible person, she is not doing her best. She probably suffered from depression and was in a marriage that brought her misery. The only way I’ve been able to move forward and not resent her and be angry as an adult is to acknowledge that she was overwhelmed and probably needed medication. As a parent I can’t imagine treating either of my children the way she treated me.

To no longer believe that your mother was right when she dubbed you selfish or bad, you have to believe that she didn’t do good by you (“did her best”) but instead, she did bad by you. No, she wasn’t right at all and at the end of the day she was emotionally abusive. It takes years to undo messaging from someone who is supposed to love you unconditionally. Your pointing this out is giving me something to think about for sure, it never occurred to me that I don’t really see myself as a truly good person worthy of good friendships bc my flaws as a child (who isn’t a little selfish and naughty as a child?) were constantly pointed out.

Brandy, it’s impossible not to run into them. I skipped our dinner club on Friday and instead hung out with my bestie and her family. I was feeling good about my decision. Then in my social media pops up a picture of the three of them partying it up together for the “wronged” woman’s birthday today. It’s an occasion that I was invited to last year and was intentionally left out of this year. Even though I AM grateful to know what kind of friends they are, it doesn’t make me feel any less sad or betrayed. Or that this whole situation was unnecessary.

I can now recognize that my mental health takes precedence over my curiosity about their social media and I’ve unfollowed them on everything.

I appreciate your understanding and that quote is really very true. Mostly I’m able to focus on what I’ve learned and how to be a better friend and appreciate my current tribe. I’m able to recognize the reality of those friendships and feel grateful that I’m no longer wasting time on them.

I spent the weekend with all the best people and felt very warm and loved. Instead of focusing on my loss I need to refocus to all the good friends and family in my life. Relapses happen and I’m very relieved to have this forum as a safe space.

Brandy, it’s funny but my husband last night finally said that he thinks the woman who motivated the drama is threatened by me and that he thinks I’m a “Queen Bee” who doesn’t know it and she was looking for an opportunity to push me out. How coincidental that you both used the same term in this situation and were able to accurately identify what happened. And it’s true, those who are still in the group don’t question her opinions and follow her advice/guidelines. That was never me.

I agree that they should be ashamed of themselves and I’m better off without them. It just smarts a little each time I see them together. Often I find myself having imaginary conversations telling them off or giving them hard truths about themselves. It feels unjust that I”m the one giving up our dinner club and I’m the one who is perceived as the bad guy and I’ve also been scapegoated into taking one for the team.

-K

So the wronged friend didn’t come to the party. (Phew!) And I’ve made some serious strides in moving past this situation, but I still see these women everywhere and the fact that they are all hanging out together and throwing it in my face is just confirmation that they’re a bunch of jerks.

If they invited me, I wouldn’t go, but it really sucks to realize that they are moving on from me too. I wasn’t really forgiven and my apology/tears fell on deaf ears and was returned with cruelty. I’ve also realized that while these women are very “nice,” they aren’t kind.

I’ve been facilitating group outings with friends who were not so close with her but hung out bc of me. And it’s been seamless. No one asks about her or notices that she isn’t there.

Here’s the last bit…how do I stop caring that they are ostracizing me? There’s a dinner gathering in two weeks and I will not be going. SO I’m making the choice, but they were so mean. I wish they’d feel remorse.

What I REALLY wish that is that they’d get back from the universe what they’ve put into it. Childish mean girl games and toxicity.