September 11, 2019 at 10:39 am #311659KarinaParticipant
You’ve both presented me with interesting perspectives.
Brandy, I appreciate your response bc it forced me to think about my motivations for responding. I’m actually not worried at all about the bad blood. They haven’t discussed with anyone outside of their immediate social circle, and it’s the same for me. (I think they are slowly realizing that they’ve made a mistake in their approach.) The advice that you both gave earlier to stop discussing it and let it die was really smart and worked. I’ve also realized that I don’t really care. They’re living their lives, I’m living mine. The fact that they’re surprised we’ve decided not to join back in with the couples dinners, speaks volumes. They wanted to put me in my place, it didn’t work and now they are being “nice.” Their leader prides herself on taking the high road. (I see her everywhere, by the way. And it’s been the best thing ever bc there’s no stigma around her anymore. Our kids are in the same class and even sit at the same table.)
Anita, I thought about your response quite a bit as well. “w” definitely had some aloof and standoffish qualities that may have mimicked my mom on a much, much smaller scale. I examined my motivations to not responding to her…I think I just want her to leave me alone. She’s not a parent at our school anymore, she’s in the neighboring town. I have not seen her since the week of the dinner where she ambushed me. Out of sight and out of mind. Even if I did see her, I think I would be able to be nice and genuinely greet her with a hello, how are you.
I think the move for me right now is not to respond. It certainly wasn’t intentional and it happened organically. The message slipped further and further down my texts. Brandy, I do agree that writing back to her would be the gracious move, but for different reasons…It would give her closure and probably making her feel like she did the right thing by extending an olive branch to me. I’m sure that her leader told it’s the “high road.” It’s the kind thing to do for HER, but I also want to be kind to myself. Is that wrong? I certainly don’t feel like I owe her anything at this point. I apologized three times and she never truly accepted. I poured my remorse into an email that she ignored completely. Then she went out of her way to spend time with the other women, ostracizing me and posting about it all over social media to make me feel terrible. I’m just done. I don’t feel anger or resentment or the need for closure. It’s just finished for me.
I am meeting with the husband of one of the couples from tomorrow, the one we’re still friends with. I think he wants to fill me in on the dinner. It sounds like a discussion came up as to why we stopped participating in the dinners. I’m curious to hear the responses on their side, but on another level I have to say I’d manage just fine not knowing.
KSeptember 11, 2019 at 11:04 am #311671anitaParticipant
I think that you made the right choice to not respond to her.
“I apologized thee times… poured my remorse into an email”. Her response: “she never accepted… she ignored me completely… ostracizing me”-
– responding to her email, taking the “high road”- is not really taking a high road at all, it is taking a low road: submitting to mistreatment, sending the message: it is okay for you to not accept my repeated and sincere apologies, to ignore me, to ostracize me.
But these things are not okay. So do take the high road, the assertive road of self esteem and respect.
anitaSeptember 11, 2019 at 11:39 am #311677BrandyParticipant
You are welcome, and it sounds like you’ve thought through your options carefully and are now doing what’s best for you and your family, and that’s a good thing. To answer your question, no, I don’t think it’s wrong at all. I’m happy you’re healing from this unfortunate situation.
What you know now is that when crappy things happen, you’ll be able to weather each storm and be just fine. Well done. 🙂
BOctober 28, 2019 at 2:08 pm #320287KarinaParticipant
I wanted to give you an update. I met with my friend for coffee, the male friend who continues to be in the group with the rest of the couples. We had a very nice catch up and then discussed why the “victim” maybe have reached out to me with the text to get together. They had all gotten together and one of them brought it up. All the women seemed surprised we chose not to come back to the group. He and his wife basically relayed how upset I felt, how ganged up on by the two ladies and that we were definitely done with their group. Interestingly they are all behaving as if they did nothing wrong.
I was momentarily baffled that they thought we’d come back, but you’ll both be proud to know, I didn’t ruminate on any of it and let it go. I still occasionally feel the injustice of the situation, but 90 percent…I just don’t care and feel better off. I messed up, betrayed confidence…absolutely. And I didn’t deserve the response… mean and passive aggressive. I don’t need those types of relationships in my life. And guess what? I don’t have them anymore!
My sister told me that she feels I have no middle ground with people. Either they are best friends or dead to me…there is definitely some truth to this statement. I’m questioning a lot about myself…did I force these friendships? Why did I befriend them in the first place? What type of people do I want in my life moving forward? What about my relationship with my mother fuels my female relationships? It feels a little like growth.
This forum helped me so much. You ladies have such wisdom and I truly appreciate the insight, compassion and understanding that I felt I didn’t deserve at the time. This forum has brought an awareness to my relationships and an appreciation of mindfulness that is valuable and absolutely appreciated. While you may hear from me for an update every now and again, I truly feel like I’m in a place of control and strength over my mind and I have the two of you to thank.
-KOctober 28, 2019 at 2:33 pm #320289anitaParticipant
I appreciate your update. And you are welcome.
“I don’t need those types of relationships in my life. And guess what? I don’t have them anymore!”-
– reads so simple, not needing a particular type of relationship-> not having that type of relationship in one’s life, and yet it seems like most people have those anyway, knowing they don’t need it or want it, and yet maintaining such relationships for decades, be it with friends, spouses, siblings and parents.
To accomplish what you have accomplished is rare.
Your sister told you that you have “no middle ground with people”. Unfortunately for us humans, we are so used to aggression from our parents, family members and to a less extent, others, that we figure we have to tolerate some, to take the middle ground of tolerating some aggression, some abuse, some mistreatment.
But unless we are physically trapped with some individuals, we don’t have to- we can take the.. unusual no-middle-ground position of no aggression, no abuse in the context of our relationships!
anitaOctober 28, 2019 at 3:47 pm #320299BrandyParticipant
You are welcome, and thanks so much for your update.
Interestingly they are all behaving as if they did nothing wrong. Maybe that’s what happens in “groupthink” situations. Nobody learns anything. Too bad for them.
I messed up, betrayed confidence… We’ve all done what you did. They have too!
I truly feel like I’m in a place of control and strength over my mind… That’s awesome. Well done!