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How to move on from the end of an adult friendship?

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This topic contains 62 replies, has 3 voices, and was last updated by  Brandy 1 week, 4 days ago.

Viewing 3 posts - 61 through 63 (of 63 total)
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  • #311659

    Karina
    Participant

    You’ve both presented me with interesting perspectives.

    Brandy, I appreciate your response bc it forced me to think about my motivations for responding. I’m actually not worried at all about the bad blood. They haven’t discussed with anyone outside of their immediate social circle, and it’s the same for me. (I think they are slowly realizing that they’ve made a mistake in their approach.) The advice that you both gave earlier to stop discussing it and let it die was really smart and worked. I’ve also realized that I don’t really care. They’re living their lives, I’m living mine. The fact that they’re surprised we’ve decided not to join back in with the couples dinners, speaks volumes. They wanted to put me in my place, it didn’t work and now they are being “nice.” Their leader prides herself on taking the high road. (I see her everywhere, by the way. And it’s been the best thing ever bc there’s no stigma around her anymore. Our kids are in the same class and even sit at the same table.)

    Anita, I thought about your response quite a bit as well. “w” definitely had some aloof and standoffish qualities that may have mimicked my mom on a much, much smaller scale. I examined my motivations to not responding to her…I think I just want her to leave me alone. She’s not a parent at our school anymore, she’s in the neighboring town. I have not seen her since the week of the dinner where she ambushed me. Out of sight and out of mind. Even if I did see her, I think I would be able to be nice and genuinely greet her with a hello, how are you.

    I think the move for me right now is not to respond. It certainly wasn’t intentional and it happened organically. The message slipped further and further down my texts. Brandy, I do agree that writing back to her would be the gracious move, but for different reasons…It would give her closure and probably making her feel like she did the right thing by extending an olive branch to me. I’m sure that her leader told it’s the “high road.” It’s the kind thing to do for HER, but I also want to be kind to myself. Is that wrong?  I certainly don’t feel like I owe her anything at this point. I apologized three times and she never truly accepted. I poured my remorse into an email that she ignored completely. Then she went out of her way to spend time with the other women, ostracizing me and posting about it all over social media to make me feel terrible. I’m just done. I don’t feel anger or resentment or the need for closure. It’s just finished for me.

    I am meeting with the husband of one of the couples from tomorrow, the one we’re still friends with. I think he wants to fill me in on the dinner. It sounds like a discussion came up as to why we stopped participating in the dinners. I’m curious to hear the responses on their side, but on another level I have to say I’d manage just fine not knowing.

    K

    #311671

    anita
    Participant

    Dear Karina:

    I think that you made the right choice to not respond to her.

    “I apologized thee times… poured my remorse into an email”. Her response: “she never accepted… she ignored me completely… ostracizing me”-

    – responding to her email, taking the “high road”- is not really taking a high road at all, it is taking a low road: submitting to mistreatment, sending the message: it is okay for you to not accept my repeated and sincere apologies, to ignore me, to ostracize me.

    But these things are not okay. So do take the high road, the assertive road of self esteem and respect.

    anita

    #311677

    Brandy
    Participant

    Hi Karina,

    You are welcome, and it sounds like you’ve thought through your options carefully and are now doing what’s best for you and your family, and that’s a good thing. To answer your question, no, I don’t think it’s wrong at all. I’m happy you’re healing from this unfortunate situation.

    What you know now is that when crappy things happen, you’ll be able to weather each storm and be just fine. Well done. 🙂

    B

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