Dear Anita, I had a restful sleep. Thank you

In this post, I want to investigate the sources of your anxiety and negative feelings in regard to the relationship with SK.

Okay Anita

this sentence means that she gave you love but you had trouble accepting her love.

Yes, I agree, she did give me the love and I had trouble accepting it. Even now when i think someone will love me I will end up pushing them away. I’m scared of that deep comittement. I was not scared when i started it with SK, but with time I guess the thought of settling down made me scared. I regret alot not accepting her love.

her codependence on you, her excessive need for you to be attentive to her bothered you, it made you angry.

It did not make me angry, but it did irritate me sometimes and made me drain  out. I also made her drain out of energy when I was in my depression stage.

Could be that her excessive need for your attention stopped you from falling in love with her. Could be that a combination of her excessive need for you and your childhood emotional trauma and still troubled home life

I really don’t know to be true. I could just feel in my gut that something was wrong

here, it seems like your need for her was greater than her need for you: you pressured her to see you, not the other way around

Sometimes now I think about it my both our needs were greater than others at some point. I love more through physical touch, whether it be through physical intimacy or by a hug.

this does not fit with the idea that SK is codependent: a codependent person is eager to please and makes the relationship about the other person, that’s in the definition of codependence

Sometimes she did not my needs fully. which ik is selfish of me. But we were very emotionally dependant on each other.

can’t accept means that you rejected SK as the person she was.

Maybe that’s true, but isnt it selfish to not accept someone for how they are, if you really care about them.

was your mother sort of codependent on you? Were you overwhelmed by her emotional neediness?

No she was never dependant on me, at that time I was young and I did not process those feelings ever, I just ignored feeling anything, usually i went numb. My mother was never dependamt emotionally on anyone, but i did see her cry a lot. She went through depression and PTSD after 2014. But i do remember me and my mother used to hug a lot. I think thats why I really like physical touch.

I really miss SK, although I am talking to other girls and when i dated someone else for 2 months, i realised i did not move on from SK. SK says its over romantically, but its hard imagining a life without her and to imagine her with someone else. I was never guided when I was young and was bullied several times in school. These factors add to my push and pull. I just want to get better and never hurt someone who i really care about and love.

Looking forward to hearing from you Anita

Hi again, I had some thoughts to add to the posts above. It may seem I may be rambling on, but it makes me comfortable, thank you for sticking.

1. I’m filled with regrets and guilt on how I should have been in the relationship. I should have been more tune with my feelings.

2. From the starting of the relationship I thought there is something wrong but I couldn’t place my finger on it. And I got into overthinking about what was wrong. I forgot to enjoy the moment and that things will clear up with time. The relationship was always filled with anxiety and negative feelings. Is it bad that I can’t accept someone for who they are, to tell them to improve?

3. I’m still in touch with SK, and I have apologized to her for treating her badly and also told her what went wrong from her side. She is very caring in this aspect. As to answer her attachment style. I think she has anxious attachment. That’s why she’s always in a rush to get into a relationship with someone. She has no real friends and is very lonely I think. So sometimes I think she’s still talking to me because she’s scared of being alone, but she has a bf now. Why is she still answering to my texts?

4. Sometime back I got a thought that when you can’t wish good for people, it’s better not to wish anything for them at all, rather than wishing them bad things. I’m trying to do the same for SK at the moment. In my imagination I’m sending her all the love from my heart, because I feel my capacity to love is unlimited. I’m doing this get her away from my life and give her the love she deserved, maybe this is out of guilt. But thinking about her and the relationship just hurts me and fills with resentment and memories. I thought this is a better way to move on.

5. I still feel a bond with her, which is now fading away I think, I’m scared to let her go. I removed all the heart and caring chords with her. I don’t know what lies in the future, I’m not hoping for her to come back. Is it okay for me to stop caring her even though she has no real friends? Today I sat with myself and read my gut feeling which said she’s not the one. Maybe in the future you’ll meet again ( but this thought makes my throat a little tight)

Please do share your thoughts on the above.

And sometimes I feel I wouldn’t find someone as beautiful and caring as her.