Forum Replies Created
January 31, 2024 at 8:53 pm #427461
Hi Anita, I hope you’re doing well. Again thank you for your thoughtful reply.
1. So, we push away that which we are afraid of
I agree with you but how should I deal with this? Ik there may not be a chance with SK now, im not hoping for it, but i want to be ready for the future.
2. But you do know, don’t you, that it was not your choice to not accept her love. It was a natural, physiological reaction to fear
I know, i never blamed myself for this, I even apologised to SK and she understands that its my pain point. But still I am filled with regret and resentment thinking things could have been different. How should I deal with this natural response of mine? and how should i let go of this regret?
3. This makes me think that she needed love that’s expressed through words and non-physical attention.
Maybe you’re right. She is subconsiously seeking support. Even when she started dating she told me that after some time she’s getting some support.
4. It is impossible to meet the needs of an adult whose needs were not met in childhood because needs that were unmet for so long, are very intense needs
Thank you for this thought, I never thought of my unmet needs this way. I’ll be more mindful of them in the future
5. Your numbed hurt and fear woke up in the context of the relationship with SK. (Numbed emotions are still there, they are not dead or gone)
My emotions were always numbed with SK. i refused to say I love you to her many times, I was scared, I bursted out with anger sometimes too. But deep in my heart I felt all those emotions fully. I regret not expressing myself too her in the moment. I think I was also scared of not getting to explore more and I though i would fall really deeply for simran. I had FOMO.
6. What does a 13-year-old boy think and feel when he sees his mother cry a lot?
Honestly i dont know. But now if i think about it I would be really scared and confused of it and I would’nt know what to do.
7. do you remember the circumstances of those hugs: did you hug her when she cried a lot, to make her feel better, and/ or did she hug you when you were upset, to make you feel better
They were mostly when we are in bed and it was like cuddling. It always felt nice but with time as i grew up they started getting less, especially after the domestic violence incident in 2014.
8. is this partly the reason why your mother hugged you a lot? Did she or your father turn to you- or to a sibling of yours- for the attention and interactions that they were lacking in their marriage?
Maybe, but my father never did this. With age now he does depend on me much more now
9. Maybe it happened to SK before she met you that she was touched sexually when all she wanted was to be touched affectionally, and … maybe that’s what was behind her rejecting you sexually at one point?
Yes, thank you for opening my eyes anita, she was groped sexually when she was very young, I never thought it can effect her this way, because apart from sex she has always been really sexual. Even it was not sex we did other stuff. She told me that that incident made her feel more sexual.
10. do you feel that you did not accept SK for who she is and/ or that she did not accept you for who you are?
Sometimes I do feel this, maybe I was not okay with the emotional dependence she brought in the relationship, because I was never emotionally dependent on anyone since I was young. I never seeked emotional dependence apart from the times when i was bullied and cried in front of my father.
11. Another experience to add, when I was young, I think around 8 years old, my bigger sister and mother got into an argument which ended with my mother choking me for a few seconds.
Please share your thoughts on this.January 30, 2024 at 8:52 pm #427445
Dear Roberta, hope you’re doing well
Would you want SK to be still with you even if she was unhappy in the relationship and conversely would you still want to be in a relationship with SK and you be unhappy?
No, I dont think it would have good for either of us. But my parents have always been unhappy with each other and they rarely interact even after living in the same house. The thing which concerns me is that I was not able to love her fully because of my push and pull.
Thank you for sharing your experience of finding your core value and how you found your framework to stick your core values. Maybe i’ll try the same technique, and will let you know about how it goes.January 30, 2024 at 8:35 pm #427444
Dear Anita, I had a restful sleep. Thank you
In this post, I want to investigate the sources of your anxiety and negative feelings in regard to the relationship with SK.
this sentence means that she gave you love but you had trouble accepting her love.
Yes, I agree, she did give me the love and I had trouble accepting it. Even now when i think someone will love me I will end up pushing them away. I’m scared of that deep comittement. I was not scared when i started it with SK, but with time I guess the thought of settling down made me scared. I regret alot not accepting her love.
her codependence on you, her excessive need for you to be attentive to her bothered you, it made you angry.
It did not make me angry, but it did irritate me sometimes and made me drain out. I also made her drain out of energy when I was in my depression stage.
Could be that her excessive need for your attention stopped you from falling in love with her. Could be that a combination of her excessive need for you and your childhood emotional trauma and still troubled home life
I really don’t know to be true. I could just feel in my gut that something was wrong
here, it seems like your need for her was greater than her need for you: you pressured her to see you, not the other way around
Sometimes now I think about it my both our needs were greater than others at some point. I love more through physical touch, whether it be through physical intimacy or by a hug.
this does not fit with the idea that SK is codependent: a codependent person is eager to please and makes the relationship about the other person, that’s in the definition of codependence
Sometimes she did not my needs fully. which ik is selfish of me. But we were very emotionally dependant on each other.
can’t accept means that you rejected SK as the person she was.
Maybe that’s true, but isnt it selfish to not accept someone for how they are, if you really care about them.
was your mother sort of codependent on you? Were you overwhelmed by her emotional neediness?
No she was never dependant on me, at that time I was young and I did not process those feelings ever, I just ignored feeling anything, usually i went numb. My mother was never dependamt emotionally on anyone, but i did see her cry a lot. She went through depression and PTSD after 2014. But i do remember me and my mother used to hug a lot. I think thats why I really like physical touch.
I really miss SK, although I am talking to other girls and when i dated someone else for 2 months, i realised i did not move on from SK. SK says its over romantically, but its hard imagining a life without her and to imagine her with someone else. I was never guided when I was young and was bullied several times in school. These factors add to my push and pull. I just want to get better and never hurt someone who i really care about and love.
Looking forward to hearing from you AnitaJanuary 30, 2024 at 11:36 am #427429
Dear Anita, thank you again for your time and inputs. I went through your thoughts in a hurry, and I agree with the fearful avoidant attachment style.
Dear Roberta, thank you again for your time and inputs. I went through your post in a hurry. Thank you for sharing the prayer, those phrases hold a lot of weight.
It’s midnight where I live and I will surely go through both the posts thoroughly to give you both a more constructive reply.
And I think as much I want to make it work with SK, there’s too much between us that it wouldn’t be okay to pursue her at the moment. Sometime later in future if we both are single (low chances) I will try for sure.January 30, 2024 at 7:46 am #427423
Hi again, I had some thoughts to add to the posts above. It may seem I may be rambling on, but it makes me comfortable, thank you for sticking.
1. I’m filled with regrets and guilt on how I should have been in the relationship. I should have been more tune with my feelings.
2. From the starting of the relationship I thought there is something wrong but I couldn’t place my finger on it. And I got into overthinking about what was wrong. I forgot to enjoy the moment and that things will clear up with time. The relationship was always filled with anxiety and negative feelings. Is it bad that I can’t accept someone for who they are, to tell them to improve?
3. I’m still in touch with SK, and I have apologized to her for treating her badly and also told her what went wrong from her side. She is very caring in this aspect. As to answer her attachment style. I think she has anxious attachment. That’s why she’s always in a rush to get into a relationship with someone. She has no real friends and is very lonely I think. So sometimes I think she’s still talking to me because she’s scared of being alone, but she has a bf now. Why is she still answering to my texts?
4. Sometime back I got a thought that when you can’t wish good for people, it’s better not to wish anything for them at all, rather than wishing them bad things. I’m trying to do the same for SK at the moment. In my imagination I’m sending her all the love from my heart, because I feel my capacity to love is unlimited. I’m doing this get her away from my life and give her the love she deserved, maybe this is out of guilt. But thinking about her and the relationship just hurts me and fills with resentment and memories. I thought this is a better way to move on.
5. I still feel a bond with her, which is now fading away I think, I’m scared to let her go. I removed all the heart and caring chords with her. I don’t know what lies in the future, I’m not hoping for her to come back. Is it okay for me to stop caring her even though she has no real friends? Today I sat with myself and read my gut feeling which said she’s not the one. Maybe in the future you’ll meet again ( but this thought makes my throat a little tight)
Please do share your thoughts on the above.January 30, 2024 at 2:39 am #427422
<p style=”text-align: center;”>Thank you for the reply and guidence Roberta. I think I do not fully know my core values at the moment and what do with my life. I will try to get in more touch with them. And if possible I will surely check out that book.</p>
If possible can you please elaborate on how you found your own core values and how did you stick to them so as to not let anyone change them.January 29, 2024 at 7:09 pm #427409
And sometimes I feel I wouldn’t find someone as beautiful and caring as her.January 29, 2024 at 7:06 pm #427408
Hi Anita, thanks for your thoughtful reply.
1. She was always arrogant during the relationship, we did not maturely clear our misunderstandings and fights. She also failed to make time for dates when we were together. She was sometimes a little disrespectful towards me and kind of made me buy her gifts sometimes, which I did out of love and do not regret.
2. I was really infatuated with her in the beginning. What made our relationship beautiful was the trust, care and closeness. We shared almost everything with each other about our lives. During FWB I was always trying to calm her down during anxiety attacks.
3. During the retrospective jealousy phase I went through depression and she was always there for me. What made me scared to love her was that I won’t get to explore more. She was my first intimate relationship. I tried to break up several times stating I want a more casual relationship, but she never understood and I did not have the guts to break up.
4. I care deeply about her, she does too but I regret a lot and feel guilty of but trying harder. I did what I could. During FWB phase I pulled away bit by bit which I regret.
5. SK had suicidal thoughts sometimes, and was anxious almost all the time, she was also very negative. I tried to pay for therapy for her but she didn’t accept, I was burning out I told her.
6. I think my childhood affects my relationship, which I want to work upon. I loved SK and still care deeply, but she says it’s over romantically. I’m always anxious when I wake up and miss her and our relationship. I have downloaded dating apps to move forward with life and focusing more on my studies. BTW I’m 23.