Hi Anita,

Thanks again. I sent the above message with some small modifications. Sadly, she isn’t looking forward to a friendship, saying her new boyfriend may feel uncomfortable. I didn’t force her to think again and I’m accepting the situation. I had strong and have really positive feelings about her but looks like it’s time for something better.

Hi Anita, thanks again for your thoughtful reply. I appreciate it.

Yes I do understand this tactic and i dont really appreciate it, its better to be truthful or honest like you dont feel a connection or the long distance is bothering me.

But these feelings were not as strong throughout the 3 months, not same intensity, and your attention was often elsewhere. Same is true to her, her feelings don’t stay the same.

I am sorry I could not understand what you were trying to say here.

There is no basis in reality to this belief.

I agree, all I can do is express my viewpoint one last time and hope for the best irrespective of what her reply is.

What do you have to lose with this approach?

I agree with this approach and at this point I got nothing to lose but I dont want to come off as desperate, so I am just trying to frame the right message which conveys what I feel in my mind and heart. Not good at writing or expressing my feelings, lol.

I am not in a rush to text her. I need to first clear in mind if I want her as a friend right now given the long distance or ask her if we can reconnect romantically. Whenever I have the answer clear. Ill surely text her.

Waiting for your reply patiently Anita. Thanks again

Hi Anita, thanks for your thoughtful reply. I haven’t texted her yet. Don’t know how to start the conversation with her, whether I should just write a whole paragraph and send her or to first ask about casual stuff first.

I’ll tell you what I’m confused about. While breaking up she told me that because of the distance and the timings, its better we stop talking, after that I talked to her a bit and not much. Then after a few days she texted me she met someone else ( even though I know that she was lying because she does not generally date in her hometown). At that moment I accepted it, because I didn’t want to beg someone to stay or to accept me. I let it go and stopped talking to her. She hoped we could stay friends but I refused and said if I want to be friends I’ll reach out. It’s been almost 3 months since we talked and still I can’t get rid of these feelings. These feelings scare me but the though about her makes me smile a lot. I think that happens when you really like someone.

What I’m confused about are my intentions to text her, I think I just want to let her know my feelings just in case I wasn’t clear when we were dating. It’s a risk that I’m willing to take even though I’m kind of putting my respect on the line. I don’t expect a relationship from her as I also think it would be really hard given the distance.

Hope you will let me know your thoughts Anita. Thanks again

Hi Anita, I hope you’re doing well. Again thank you for your thoughtful reply.

1. So, we push away that which we are afraid of

I agree with you but how should I deal with this? Ik there may not be a chance with SK now, im not hoping for it, but i want to be ready for the future.

2. But you do know, don’t you, that it was not your choice to not accept her love. It was a natural, physiological reaction to fear

I know, i never blamed myself for this, I even apologised to SK and she understands that its my pain point. But still I am filled with regret and resentment thinking things could have been different. How should I deal with this natural response of mine? and how should i let go of this regret?

3. This makes me think that she needed love that’s expressed through words and non-physical attention.

Maybe you’re right. She is subconsiously seeking support. Even when she started dating she told me that after some time she’s getting some support.

4. It is impossible to meet the needs of an adult whose needs were not met in childhood because needs that were unmet for so long, are very intense needs

Thank you for this thought, I never thought of my unmet needs this way. I’ll be more mindful of them in the future

5. Your numbed hurt and fear woke up in the context of the relationship with SK. (Numbed emotions are still there, they are not dead or gone)

My emotions were always numbed with SK. i refused to say I love you to her many times, I was scared, I bursted out with anger sometimes too. But deep in my heart I felt all those emotions fully. I regret not expressing myself too her in the moment. I think I was also scared of not getting to explore more and I though i would fall really deeply for simran. I had FOMO.

6. What does a 13-year-old boy think and feel when he sees his mother cry a lot?

Honestly i dont know. But now if i think about it I would be really scared and confused of it and I would’nt know what to do.

7. do you remember the circumstances of those hugs: did you hug her when she cried a lot, to make her feel better, and/ or did she hug you when you were upset, to make you feel better

They were mostly when we are in bed and it was like cuddling. It always felt nice but with time as i grew up they started getting less, especially after the domestic violence incident in 2014.

8. is this partly the reason why your mother hugged you a lot? Did she or your father turn to you- or to a sibling of yours- for the attention and interactions that they were lacking in their marriage?

Maybe, but my father never did this. With age now he does depend on me much more now

9. Maybe it happened to SK before she met you that she was touched sexually when all she wanted was to be touched affectionally, and … maybe that’s what was behind her rejecting you sexually at one point?

Yes, thank you for opening my eyes anita, she was groped sexually when she was very young, I never thought it can effect her this way, because apart from sex she has always been really sexual. Even it was not sex we did other stuff. She told me that that incident made her feel more sexual.

10. do you feel that you did not accept SK for who she is and/ or that she did not accept you for who you are?

Sometimes I do feel this, maybe I was not okay with the emotional dependence she brought in the relationship, because I was never emotionally dependent on anyone since I was young. I never seeked emotional dependence apart from the times when i was bullied and cried in front of my father.

11. Another experience to add, when I was young, I think around 8 years old, my bigger sister and mother got into an argument which ended with my mother choking me for a few seconds.

Please share your thoughts on this.

Dear Anita, I had a restful sleep. Thank you

In this post, I want to investigate the sources of your anxiety and negative feelings in regard to the relationship with SK.

Okay Anita

this sentence means that she gave you love but you had trouble accepting her love.

Yes, I agree, she did give me the love and I had trouble accepting it. Even now when i think someone will love me I will end up pushing them away. I’m scared of that deep comittement. I was not scared when i started it with SK, but with time I guess the thought of settling down made me scared. I regret alot not accepting her love.

her codependence on you, her excessive need for you to be attentive to her bothered you, it made you angry.

It did not make me angry, but it did irritate me sometimes and made me drain  out. I also made her drain out of energy when I was in my depression stage.

Could be that her excessive need for your attention stopped you from falling in love with her. Could be that a combination of her excessive need for you and your childhood emotional trauma and still troubled home life

I really don’t know to be true. I could just feel in my gut that something was wrong

here, it seems like your need for her was greater than her need for you: you pressured her to see you, not the other way around

Sometimes now I think about it my both our needs were greater than others at some point. I love more through physical touch, whether it be through physical intimacy or by a hug.

this does not fit with the idea that SK is codependent: a codependent person is eager to please and makes the relationship about the other person, that’s in the definition of codependence

Sometimes she did not my needs fully. which ik is selfish of me. But we were very emotionally dependant on each other.

can’t accept means that you rejected SK as the person she was.

Maybe that’s true, but isnt it selfish to not accept someone for how they are, if you really care about them.

was your mother sort of codependent on you? Were you overwhelmed by her emotional neediness?

No she was never dependant on me, at that time I was young and I did not process those feelings ever, I just ignored feeling anything, usually i went numb. My mother was never dependamt emotionally on anyone, but i did see her cry a lot. She went through depression and PTSD after 2014. But i do remember me and my mother used to hug a lot. I think thats why I really like physical touch.

I really miss SK, although I am talking to other girls and when i dated someone else for 2 months, i realised i did not move on from SK. SK says its over romantically, but its hard imagining a life without her and to imagine her with someone else. I was never guided when I was young and was bullied several times in school. These factors add to my push and pull. I just want to get better and never hurt someone who i really care about and love.

Looking forward to hearing from you Anita

Hi again, I had some thoughts to add to the posts above. It may seem I may be rambling on, but it makes me comfortable, thank you for sticking.

1. I’m filled with regrets and guilt on how I should have been in the relationship. I should have been more tune with my feelings.

2. From the starting of the relationship I thought there is something wrong but I couldn’t place my finger on it. And I got into overthinking about what was wrong. I forgot to enjoy the moment and that things will clear up with time. The relationship was always filled with anxiety and negative feelings. Is it bad that I can’t accept someone for who they are, to tell them to improve?

3. I’m still in touch with SK, and I have apologized to her for treating her badly and also told her what went wrong from her side. She is very caring in this aspect. As to answer her attachment style. I think she has anxious attachment. That’s why she’s always in a rush to get into a relationship with someone. She has no real friends and is very lonely I think. So sometimes I think she’s still talking to me because she’s scared of being alone, but she has a bf now. Why is she still answering to my texts?

4. Sometime back I got a thought that when you can’t wish good for people, it’s better not to wish anything for them at all, rather than wishing them bad things. I’m trying to do the same for SK at the moment. In my imagination I’m sending her all the love from my heart, because I feel my capacity to love is unlimited. I’m doing this get her away from my life and give her the love she deserved, maybe this is out of guilt. But thinking about her and the relationship just hurts me and fills with resentment and memories. I thought this is a better way to move on.

5. I still feel a bond with her, which is now fading away I think, I’m scared to let her go. I removed all the heart and caring chords with her. I don’t know what lies in the future, I’m not hoping for her to come back. Is it okay for me to stop caring her even though she has no real friends? Today I sat with myself and read my gut feeling which said she’s not the one. Maybe in the future you’ll meet again ( but this thought makes my throat a little tight)

Please do share your thoughts on the above.

And sometimes I feel I wouldn’t find someone as beautiful and caring as her.